Saturday, August 5, 2017

the saga

And now Ramzi is not talking to me again.  I guess it doesn't feel like hell this time, but a strong discomfort.   It wouldn't be quite as bad if I knew what I'd done to make him go silent...

But I'm under the impression that he turned off his caring card and is ghosting.

I do know why, maybe.  It's not the messaging.  I don't think it's something I said.  "I miss knowing things," doesn't seem like a bad thing to say.  It could be that he's just stressed, but it's not just that he's stressed -- he'd still include me some and not give me the silent treatment.

It's the conversation that we had where we talked about what this was, and I requested that we were exclusive.  Ramzi doesn't see me as a person he can have a future with -- I'm not sure if it's just because of the way I presented myself to his friends.

I have a suspicion that he doesn't think I'd be a good mom, or that I'm good with things in general.  Which isn't right.  I've had a lot of weak points, but I'm growing stronger all the time.  I definitely need to be able to keep it under control and I can't always.  But I would be a good mom.  I also am not that bad with money.  I do make purchases that I probably shouldn't (I also am good at making returns of my biggest mistakes now) and I still have so much money in the bank-- and now more coming in.  Ramzi worries about my money because he isn't being great with money, so when he seems me spending anything without a job, he's overprotective.

Some of this is because he's protective of me.  Some of it is because I guess he sees flaws in me that are there but are also not there.  I'm this irresponsible because I can be.  I've spent the last few years of my life dating guys, not super in a relationship, single as fuck, not giving another thought for the first time in my life to how people were viewing me.  It wasn't going to be something that lasts forever.  Also, he takes my jokes way too seriously.

Anyway, I know he's still on tinder (I guess) even though I deleted mine.  He's not talking to me, I guess because he can't handle ending things with me.  If he's dead set that I can't be the one for him, then I can't.

Even if I wish I were.  Who knows about the one.  I guess I mean the one you spend the rest of your life with, so that's whoever ends up being the one.  But its the one you see a future with.  I rarely see a future at all because life in Los Angeles is so chaotic.

But Ramzi, I want to help you build that house.  I want to live in that house.  I want to travel the world with you.  I want to love you and for you to love me, openly.  I want to continue growing as individuals together and apart.  I want to have your children.  I want to meet your mom.  I want to make Lebanese food and continue passing that along.  I want to meet the rest of your family.  I want to go to Houston with you.  I want you to come to Colorado with me and meet my family.

In short.  I love you.  You've been the one for me since we started seeing one another.

If only you'd talk to me about your qualms and fears instead of running away.

Anyway, it's right on schedule.  Don't worry, this year won't be like last.  My mom didn't die again.

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