Monday, December 12, 2016

Every day I want to die more. I'm not allowed. I ruined my friendships I care the most about. Ramzi will never talk to me again. Caitlin will never want to be my friend again. I didn't mean to do these things but because of my brain and what's wrong with me it seems to happen and in ramz is case I don't even understand why. I suspect he's seeing someone else. Which is fine. sad but fine. But I miss our friendship and working on the house and talking about politics and house stuff and I doubt he even thinks of me any more or cares at all and probably would tell her I never existed because to him I probably never did anymore and I don't know what I did wrong. I'm so bad at life I wish I could just quit it but everyone wants me to try harder than I've already tried for years and tells me it's just a matter of perspective like it's as easy as that but they're not the ones losing people like flies dropping and they all have good lives and decent relationships and money and don't seem to understand loss.

I wish I could just not wake up one day and let that be the end.

I'm just tired of trying what's the post If everyone starts hating you anyway when you're spending a fortune trying to "get better"

I just don't see the point anymore of even trying

When I dated Candice I felt under arrest by her condition and I sisnt want ramzi to feel trapped by me but he did I guess and doesn't care st all I'm gone and probably has moved on and doesn't even want to be my friend.

I wish I could shoot mysslf.

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