Thursday, June 9, 2016

So here it comes, I guess I'm far along enough in my (non) relationship, or at least in a certain point of the month, or something, where I'm wracked with paranoia and anxiety, thinking that the boy who I'm dating who has shown no inclination to not be trust worthy (except, perhaps, hitting on and asking out a friend I introduced him to when we first met) might be sleeping around, or growing impatient, or hating on me.

But I feel it.  I mean, he keeps seeking me out.  I guess the only thing I could do at this time would be to stop seeking him out and just deal with my feelings.  His birthday is this weekend.

He didn't want a relationship, and he doesn't want this kind of emotionality.  I wish I could control it better.  I know its kind of all part of the borderline and anxiety, I know it's all from this place that I will lose him (and if i'm going to, can't he just do it already?)

Not sure why.  I imagine I have to get over this hump to fall in love again.  It's been impossible, and since he and I aren't in a real relationship its probably good that its coming up so that it can fizzle out and I can just help with the house and it not be a romantic thing because I like him a lot and have strong feelings and apparently that makes me a crazy person who is terrified all the time.

I am a little afraid to go out of town without Bowie with him.  Not of him.  Just-- Bowie is my little safety guard, for my emotions.  I'm already feeling paranoid and anxious.  I don't want to fight with Ram, I really like him.  I don't want another Montana to happen- Montana really caused me to feel terrible.  I don't think he ever really liked me.  I can't say I think Ram does either.  I don't know what his feelings are about me, but I think they add up to "she's okay for now."

It's kind of a bummer.  I wish I were better than "okay for now", but I think that's just how dudes view me.  And maybe its best, because clearly I cant be trusted in a relationship to feel like a normal person, and they probably can't be trusted either.

I'm going to disappear after his birthday, I think, unless he wants physical help with the house and only then.  I can't take the pressure of being a not good enough girl, once my feelings start getting in there.  And I am getting rid of my feelings.  But it was only supposed to be there for fun, and I'm having less fun the more stressed I get thinking I'm pissing him off or stressing him out or that he hates me, or wants another girl more than me, or that I'm purposefully temporary.

just stay cool until his birthday steph, through the weekend, then disappear.