Wednesday, December 28, 2016

I care so much about Ramzi.  He is so amazing, interesting, clever, intelligent.  I am so sad that there is strife in our friendship, relationship, whatever we were.  I don't know what we are, or what we will be-- if he will even want to be anything.  But I hope he will.  I hope he will be my friend, because he has been overall a great influence, even if there was sadness and confusion.

I have heard many rumors-- who he dated before me, a lot of people I know, how he just seems to run through women.  I hope those aren't true in my case.  Not because I especially care about the romance (though I do, I did, he was an amazing person to date who filled all of my needs at the time, and an amazing lover, and I miss the sex a lot).  But because, in general, he was a close friend.  Like Kyle, Amanda, even Shoshana-- he is a life partner to me -- in whatever form it takes.  And sometimes that takes time and space, and I hope that I will successfully navigate this so that we will become friends again.

If we become lovers again, I am not so sure.  I would love to have that with him, it was amazing, he's amazing, and having a full love would be awesome, I'm sure.  But Ramzi is afraid of that, and so am I.  I don't know if that's what I was asking for, but I am very tired of being a secret... for him and I, it was only half secret.  Our friends knew, we'd go out in public together.  But I wasn't allowed to post pictures about him, we rarely interacted over Facebook where other females and people he knew might see, and I never knew the reason for that.  After he started being accusatory about his phone, and had started sharing about us with his mom, I was more confused.  I would still be with him, sleep with him, support him that way, if it weren't a secret.

But that is so not necessary to me.  It does matter to me if he sees and is seeing someone else.  Of course that would hurt.  But knowing HIM, being friends with HIM, caring about each other at all was and is more important to me than those things.  Those things are things that everyone slides through throughout their entire lives.  It hurts, but if people are wonderful then they should matter more than romantic dalliances.  And I Thought he felt the same way, that is what he would say and seem to explain and think and he told me that our friendship was more important than the other things, too.  It is so confusing for me, because he played down the romantic aspects of what we had, but in the end it seems to really have mattered?

I care about him still.  Ramzi, I know you'll never read this-- I almost hope you never will-- but I care so much about you.  You are one of the top people in my life, and we have such a strong connection.

I hope we will speak again.  As friends, as lovers, as real loves, I don't know.  But I want to work on that bathroom.  I want to talk to you.  I will continue working on myself, doing my thing as I do, but I am thinking about you, I miss you, and I truly care about how you are, how you feel, how your father is....  you are very important to me.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Every day I want to die more. I'm not allowed. I ruined my friendships I care the most about. Ramzi will never talk to me again. Caitlin will never want to be my friend again. I didn't mean to do these things but because of my brain and what's wrong with me it seems to happen and in ramz is case I don't even understand why. I suspect he's seeing someone else. Which is fine. sad but fine. But I miss our friendship and working on the house and talking about politics and house stuff and I doubt he even thinks of me any more or cares at all and probably would tell her I never existed because to him I probably never did anymore and I don't know what I did wrong. I'm so bad at life I wish I could just quit it but everyone wants me to try harder than I've already tried for years and tells me it's just a matter of perspective like it's as easy as that but they're not the ones losing people like flies dropping and they all have good lives and decent relationships and money and don't seem to understand loss.

I wish I could just not wake up one day and let that be the end.

I'm just tired of trying what's the post If everyone starts hating you anyway when you're spending a fortune trying to "get better"

I just don't see the point anymore of even trying

When I dated Candice I felt under arrest by her condition and I sisnt want ramzi to feel trapped by me but he did I guess and doesn't care st all I'm gone and probably has moved on and doesn't even want to be my friend.

I wish I could shoot mysslf.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

So here it comes, I guess I'm far along enough in my (non) relationship, or at least in a certain point of the month, or something, where I'm wracked with paranoia and anxiety, thinking that the boy who I'm dating who has shown no inclination to not be trust worthy (except, perhaps, hitting on and asking out a friend I introduced him to when we first met) might be sleeping around, or growing impatient, or hating on me.

But I feel it.  I mean, he keeps seeking me out.  I guess the only thing I could do at this time would be to stop seeking him out and just deal with my feelings.  His birthday is this weekend.

He didn't want a relationship, and he doesn't want this kind of emotionality.  I wish I could control it better.  I know its kind of all part of the borderline and anxiety, I know it's all from this place that I will lose him (and if i'm going to, can't he just do it already?)

Not sure why.  I imagine I have to get over this hump to fall in love again.  It's been impossible, and since he and I aren't in a real relationship its probably good that its coming up so that it can fizzle out and I can just help with the house and it not be a romantic thing because I like him a lot and have strong feelings and apparently that makes me a crazy person who is terrified all the time.

I am a little afraid to go out of town without Bowie with him.  Not of him.  Just-- Bowie is my little safety guard, for my emotions.  I'm already feeling paranoid and anxious.  I don't want to fight with Ram, I really like him.  I don't want another Montana to happen- Montana really caused me to feel terrible.  I don't think he ever really liked me.  I can't say I think Ram does either.  I don't know what his feelings are about me, but I think they add up to "she's okay for now."

It's kind of a bummer.  I wish I were better than "okay for now", but I think that's just how dudes view me.  And maybe its best, because clearly I cant be trusted in a relationship to feel like a normal person, and they probably can't be trusted either.

I'm going to disappear after his birthday, I think, unless he wants physical help with the house and only then.  I can't take the pressure of being a not good enough girl, once my feelings start getting in there.  And I am getting rid of my feelings.  But it was only supposed to be there for fun, and I'm having less fun the more stressed I get thinking I'm pissing him off or stressing him out or that he hates me, or wants another girl more than me, or that I'm purposefully temporary.

just stay cool until his birthday steph, through the weekend, then disappear.