Thursday, June 12, 2014

I'm in love with TVK.  At least a little bit.  I spend my time thinking of a future with him now, not Scorps.  But every time TVK and I hang out it just turns into shit.  I blame myself.  Because that's how it is with everyone I really like.  It was good before those feelings.  Except he hated it.

I didn't want the pressure, and I didn't want to play the field.

I wish I had posted for months and months my feelings for TVK.  How I think about being an animation super star with him, and having children, and moving to Minnesota, and having a winter wedding, and how it makes me squee and happy but also really squeamish and scared.

He always gets so angry at me, and it makes me want to cry, and I want to know if it would be that way if we were together, but I imagine he would and that would be worse if I were WITH him and he was mad at me all the time, because I'd fall apart a lot.   And I don't want that.  It's terrifying.

I could never tell him how I feel, because I'm already torturing him.  Ha, to tell him how I think about going up to him and just saying, Hey, please be my boyfriend.  I don't know a world where that possibility could exist.

I feel terrible for all this.  I really do love Scorps in a lot of ways, but I don't feel the same.  But I guess the feelings I have for TVK are too scary.

Anyway, I told Lilit he likes her, so he could move on and be happy since he's so mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me.  I just want him to be happy.  It really hurts to think about him with her, and having a future with her, but if he's going to be smiling and not as upset and crazy as he is around me then that's probably worth it.


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