Friday, June 13, 2014

I don't know what to think, my head has been all over the place.  I feel like I can sit here and tell myself, this is for the best.  It's better now.  It's better that this happens before we did anything and we had to work together and feel worse, because he'd... he'd hate me if he dated me.  Pretty certain of it.

It's totally cool.  I get it.  It's an illusion at first that people can take me.  I don't really mean to be awful, I genuinely thought I could have fun with him.  I only thought about how we could have fun together, how I wanted to spend the night with TVK, and I understand why-- but since he doesn't, I'm just a big huge jerk.

So it's for the best.  But I wish I could immediately stop caring like he did.  I wish that I wasn't laying in bed and thinking about the sun and stupid his smile and stupid things.

I feel like such an idiot.

I couldn't have made it happen anyway.  Not really.  Everything would have been more ruined.

I wonder how long it will take me to stop posting these and feeling stuff.
tvk hates me.
he says he doesnt, but he does.


i thought maybe, just maybe he was going to be the one who was able to forgive me for the stupid mistakes i make and my misunderstandings of human beings.  maybe because he's done so much stupid stuff too.  but i guess not.

i know this is probably for the best.  someone who can't forgive me is probably not someone i should attach myself to.

after my walk with meg i feel moderately better.

still sad.  still real sad.

Steph, this is your opportunity to recover.
I cant believe I hid that stupid note in his backpack.  I hope he never finds it.  Because that would be embarrassing, and I can't bring myself to tell him anything I feel, because I don't know what to do with those feelings since I self destruct all the time. 

The best thing I can do is to leave him alone and let him go.  This should be my new mantra.  Just repeat it to yourself, self.

It's okay.

I wouldn't know what to do with him if I were able to be honest.  or with my life.  or with anything.  And we'd probably fight all the time and it would be awful and our friendship and work would be more ruined.

Just leave him alone.
Just leave him alone.

Oof.
It is terrifying to talk to you.  I don't know why you're mad at me, I hate that you are, I hate that we're no longer friends.

It was so scary to bring your bag back to you, but so nice to see you.  It's dumb the way I feel when I see you.  I'm really sorry I do all this.  It makes my chest hurt.  I know I'm a complete lunatic in my head. 

But also, you're so scary.  So scary....

Thursday, June 12, 2014

I'm in love with TVK.  At least a little bit.  I spend my time thinking of a future with him now, not Scorps.  But every time TVK and I hang out it just turns into shit.  I blame myself.  Because that's how it is with everyone I really like.  It was good before those feelings.  Except he hated it.

I didn't want the pressure, and I didn't want to play the field.

I wish I had posted for months and months my feelings for TVK.  How I think about being an animation super star with him, and having children, and moving to Minnesota, and having a winter wedding, and how it makes me squee and happy but also really squeamish and scared.

He always gets so angry at me, and it makes me want to cry, and I want to know if it would be that way if we were together, but I imagine he would and that would be worse if I were WITH him and he was mad at me all the time, because I'd fall apart a lot.   And I don't want that.  It's terrifying.

I could never tell him how I feel, because I'm already torturing him.  Ha, to tell him how I think about going up to him and just saying, Hey, please be my boyfriend.  I don't know a world where that possibility could exist.

I feel terrible for all this.  I really do love Scorps in a lot of ways, but I don't feel the same.  But I guess the feelings I have for TVK are too scary.

Anyway, I told Lilit he likes her, so he could move on and be happy since he's so mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me.  I just want him to be happy.  It really hurts to think about him with her, and having a future with her, but if he's going to be smiling and not as upset and crazy as he is around me then that's probably worth it.

OH WELLSIES.  ONE MILLION SHRUGS, SELF.