Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Today, my psychiatrist confirmed with me that I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  A part of me is glad-- I feel like there's an answer for a lot of my behavior.  A part of me is also sad.  I know a lot of people with BPD are really extreme, and I may be on a lesser scale of it, but I definitely feel miserable and out of control of my emotions a lot (but I feel like I have been able to perceive them and focus them well, despite how out of control they feel).

Tomorrow morning is the first of my new anti-psychotics.  When I got into this three years ago or so with Kyle, I never thought it would have sent me down this path.

I guess I never knew what was truly going on.

I hope it will do for me what it's needed.

Tonight I feel anxious.  Maxx hates me, for sure.  I want attention to fill the hole in my chest (the constant hole).  My stomach hurts, but I feel separate from my body, not completely aware of its needs because who cares.  I check in.  Occasionally.

I feel worried, but excited, conflicted, tired.  Mostly needy.  I want love.  I feel bad about it.

I feel silly, and like I can't sleep.

And Bo won't stop barking.

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