Today, my psychiatrist confirmed with me that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. A part of me is glad-- I feel like there's an answer for a lot of my behavior. A part of me is also sad. I know a lot of people with BPD are really extreme, and I may be on a lesser scale of it, but I definitely feel miserable and out of control of my emotions a lot (but I feel like I have been able to perceive them and focus them well, despite how out of control they feel).
Tomorrow morning is the first of my new anti-psychotics. When I got into this three years ago or so with Kyle, I never thought it would have sent me down this path.
I guess I never knew what was truly going on.
I hope it will do for me what it's needed.
Tonight I feel anxious. Maxx hates me, for sure. I want attention to fill the hole in my chest (the constant hole). My stomach hurts, but I feel separate from my body, not completely aware of its needs because who cares. I check in. Occasionally.
I feel worried, but excited, conflicted, tired. Mostly needy. I want love. I feel bad about it.
I feel silly, and like I can't sleep.
And Bo won't stop barking.