Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Day 01 of taking my medication to supposedly suppress my moods and also keep me from being so paranoid.  So far no luck, all my same triggers are my same triggers, and I actually felt more emotional than usual (more up and down, I had been feeling manic before).  I'm not sure if that's because my Psychiatrist told me to cut back on the prozac for today.

I've felt sort of sleepy and out of it all day.  Calmer sometimes, but once it faded I felt more emotional.  My neck and shoulders feel more and more stiff lately (massage?  chiropractor?  a symptom? who knows).

I got a lot of work done but I also felt so out of it.

Work offered to let me have time off starting May 09th and that sounds really appealing, but I'm not really sure what I would do with all that free time.

A part of me wishes I could spend it with maxx, but it's a part of me that is sequestered because I fully expect him to break up with me very soon.  He says he's depressed, and I know he is, but I can also tell that he's sort of done.  He wants to run away, and feels terrible about everything, but there's nothing I can do and it hurts me too sometimes.

I wonder what's wrong with him-- like I wonder if he went to a psychologist if they would say, you have this thing, like they said to me.  It took me awhile to get to that point, I don't know why Maxx wouldn't hit it.

Maybe I'm just more proactive.

I'm kind of mad that my parents didn't take better care of me.  They were so busy with Chris that this went unchecked for so long.  I told someone this, I think Maxx, last night, and I dunno if he was even listening.

I also deleted him from my phone so I can't text as much.  This might test to see if he will actually talk to me.

Look at me, going off into People hate Me and I'm Paranoid.

TVK has been really great to me.  I think I'm most grateful for him in my life right now, and it makes me feel really guilty.  But I don't much feel like I could stand on my own at the moment.

My head hurts a lot and I feel kind of like my vision is blurred.  So this will be it.  Maybe I'll post later as the night progresses to keep track of my dumb feelings.

I wish Bowie would stop barking.
Today, my psychiatrist confirmed with me that I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  A part of me is glad-- I feel like there's an answer for a lot of my behavior.  A part of me is also sad.  I know a lot of people with BPD are really extreme, and I may be on a lesser scale of it, but I definitely feel miserable and out of control of my emotions a lot (but I feel like I have been able to perceive them and focus them well, despite how out of control they feel).

Tomorrow morning is the first of my new anti-psychotics.  When I got into this three years ago or so with Kyle, I never thought it would have sent me down this path.

I guess I never knew what was truly going on.

I hope it will do for me what it's needed.

Tonight I feel anxious.  Maxx hates me, for sure.  I want attention to fill the hole in my chest (the constant hole).  My stomach hurts, but I feel separate from my body, not completely aware of its needs because who cares.  I check in.  Occasionally.

I feel worried, but excited, conflicted, tired.  Mostly needy.  I want love.  I feel bad about it.

I feel silly, and like I can't sleep.

And Bo won't stop barking.