Friday, June 13, 2014

I don't know what to think, my head has been all over the place.  I feel like I can sit here and tell myself, this is for the best.  It's better now.  It's better that this happens before we did anything and we had to work together and feel worse, because he'd... he'd hate me if he dated me.  Pretty certain of it.

It's totally cool.  I get it.  It's an illusion at first that people can take me.  I don't really mean to be awful, I genuinely thought I could have fun with him.  I only thought about how we could have fun together, how I wanted to spend the night with TVK, and I understand why-- but since he doesn't, I'm just a big huge jerk.

So it's for the best.  But I wish I could immediately stop caring like he did.  I wish that I wasn't laying in bed and thinking about the sun and stupid his smile and stupid things.

I feel like such an idiot.

I couldn't have made it happen anyway.  Not really.  Everything would have been more ruined.

I wonder how long it will take me to stop posting these and feeling stuff.
tvk hates me.
he says he doesnt, but he does.


i thought maybe, just maybe he was going to be the one who was able to forgive me for the stupid mistakes i make and my misunderstandings of human beings.  maybe because he's done so much stupid stuff too.  but i guess not.

i know this is probably for the best.  someone who can't forgive me is probably not someone i should attach myself to.

after my walk with meg i feel moderately better.

still sad.  still real sad.

Steph, this is your opportunity to recover.
I cant believe I hid that stupid note in his backpack.  I hope he never finds it.  Because that would be embarrassing, and I can't bring myself to tell him anything I feel, because I don't know what to do with those feelings since I self destruct all the time. 

The best thing I can do is to leave him alone and let him go.  This should be my new mantra.  Just repeat it to yourself, self.

It's okay.

I wouldn't know what to do with him if I were able to be honest.  or with my life.  or with anything.  And we'd probably fight all the time and it would be awful and our friendship and work would be more ruined.

Just leave him alone.
Just leave him alone.

Oof.
It is terrifying to talk to you.  I don't know why you're mad at me, I hate that you are, I hate that we're no longer friends.

It was so scary to bring your bag back to you, but so nice to see you.  It's dumb the way I feel when I see you.  I'm really sorry I do all this.  It makes my chest hurt.  I know I'm a complete lunatic in my head. 

But also, you're so scary.  So scary....

Thursday, June 12, 2014

I'm in love with TVK.  At least a little bit.  I spend my time thinking of a future with him now, not Scorps.  But every time TVK and I hang out it just turns into shit.  I blame myself.  Because that's how it is with everyone I really like.  It was good before those feelings.  Except he hated it.

I didn't want the pressure, and I didn't want to play the field.

I wish I had posted for months and months my feelings for TVK.  How I think about being an animation super star with him, and having children, and moving to Minnesota, and having a winter wedding, and how it makes me squee and happy but also really squeamish and scared.

He always gets so angry at me, and it makes me want to cry, and I want to know if it would be that way if we were together, but I imagine he would and that would be worse if I were WITH him and he was mad at me all the time, because I'd fall apart a lot.   And I don't want that.  It's terrifying.

I could never tell him how I feel, because I'm already torturing him.  Ha, to tell him how I think about going up to him and just saying, Hey, please be my boyfriend.  I don't know a world where that possibility could exist.

I feel terrible for all this.  I really do love Scorps in a lot of ways, but I don't feel the same.  But I guess the feelings I have for TVK are too scary.

Anyway, I told Lilit he likes her, so he could move on and be happy since he's so mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me.  I just want him to be happy.  It really hurts to think about him with her, and having a future with her, but if he's going to be smiling and not as upset and crazy as he is around me then that's probably worth it.

OH WELLSIES.  ONE MILLION SHRUGS, SELF.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Day 01 of taking my medication to supposedly suppress my moods and also keep me from being so paranoid.  So far no luck, all my same triggers are my same triggers, and I actually felt more emotional than usual (more up and down, I had been feeling manic before).  I'm not sure if that's because my Psychiatrist told me to cut back on the prozac for today.

I've felt sort of sleepy and out of it all day.  Calmer sometimes, but once it faded I felt more emotional.  My neck and shoulders feel more and more stiff lately (massage?  chiropractor?  a symptom? who knows).

I got a lot of work done but I also felt so out of it.

Work offered to let me have time off starting May 09th and that sounds really appealing, but I'm not really sure what I would do with all that free time.

A part of me wishes I could spend it with maxx, but it's a part of me that is sequestered because I fully expect him to break up with me very soon.  He says he's depressed, and I know he is, but I can also tell that he's sort of done.  He wants to run away, and feels terrible about everything, but there's nothing I can do and it hurts me too sometimes.

I wonder what's wrong with him-- like I wonder if he went to a psychologist if they would say, you have this thing, like they said to me.  It took me awhile to get to that point, I don't know why Maxx wouldn't hit it.

Maybe I'm just more proactive.

I'm kind of mad that my parents didn't take better care of me.  They were so busy with Chris that this went unchecked for so long.  I told someone this, I think Maxx, last night, and I dunno if he was even listening.

I also deleted him from my phone so I can't text as much.  This might test to see if he will actually talk to me.

Look at me, going off into People hate Me and I'm Paranoid.

TVK has been really great to me.  I think I'm most grateful for him in my life right now, and it makes me feel really guilty.  But I don't much feel like I could stand on my own at the moment.

My head hurts a lot and I feel kind of like my vision is blurred.  So this will be it.  Maybe I'll post later as the night progresses to keep track of my dumb feelings.

I wish Bowie would stop barking.
Today, my psychiatrist confirmed with me that I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  A part of me is glad-- I feel like there's an answer for a lot of my behavior.  A part of me is also sad.  I know a lot of people with BPD are really extreme, and I may be on a lesser scale of it, but I definitely feel miserable and out of control of my emotions a lot (but I feel like I have been able to perceive them and focus them well, despite how out of control they feel).

Tomorrow morning is the first of my new anti-psychotics.  When I got into this three years ago or so with Kyle, I never thought it would have sent me down this path.

I guess I never knew what was truly going on.

I hope it will do for me what it's needed.

Tonight I feel anxious.  Maxx hates me, for sure.  I want attention to fill the hole in my chest (the constant hole).  My stomach hurts, but I feel separate from my body, not completely aware of its needs because who cares.  I check in.  Occasionally.

I feel worried, but excited, conflicted, tired.  Mostly needy.  I want love.  I feel bad about it.

I feel silly, and like I can't sleep.

And Bo won't stop barking.