Tuesday, July 16, 2013

(Though one would assume Kyle was trying to avoid that and failing miserable, considering what he said)
I think I feel shitty because I hate the idea that he was thinking of me just as a friend, he knows what I've been through, and maybe I shouldn't get 'special treatment' for my past, I dunno
I feel like, he knew more than anyone the details of what I'd been through
And I don't understand why I am looking back and feeling a weird lack of empathy
even though there was a lot of empathy sometimes, which is why its confusing
And I don't know how much of it was me feeling things just because I feel them
or me feelings things because of things kyle was projecting
Like, in general, I feel like ther's a lack of empathy from people, but is there really or is it just the way I feel because of my trauam, etc
yeah, but I think I also take situations and my brain goes into worst case and makes enemies of things to protect myslf
And so like
Something harmless can become "WTF WTF WTF why don't you CARE"

That's probably one of the reasons I was always forgiving of Kyle stuff
Because I dont' know how much is him
and how much is me
and i've never known, with any of my boyfriends
how much is them, how much is me.
i woke up today wondering if kyle liked me better more broken
and kyle -- it felt, especially
like kyle gaslit a lot
and was always putting things back on me
but it felt that way about Brian and jeff too
But I remember feeling like I wsa wrong all the time with Kyle
and I don't know how much of that was really him
and how much of that was me making him into that
and thats all very confusing
I miss him horribly, I wanna talk to him, I wish I could figure this stuff out
I hate everything I think
Like I was thinking about how maybe if he cared about me he would have contacted me by now
and he kicked me out of his life so clearly he doesn't give a shit
I was thinking about E3 and how not interested he was in talking to me about it
(But how interested he was in making out)
but then confused because he still wnateed to see me every weekend
I was thinking about other things; like stuff at work, and how he didn't seem to ask a lot
And I was always like, he's just busy
But was he?
he would listen if I talked to him
But I'm just not sure
And how it sucks, because if you question someone on that it hurts him
Like, that shitty feeling of feeling used, that really hurt him, I hate hurting him
But I also felt shitty and like I was being used
And I don't know what to do with that
And then the Elyse stuff
I was thinking about how he thought he had told me
And he hadn't, and how that's just a simple miscommunication, we should have just been like Oh, well, I'm glad we talkeda bout this because we clearly both had the wrong idea
and then I think about how he hsaid that "The flirting was all but over." and then explained that to mean, that it was nearly kind of almost over
And I was thinking, well, almost isn't exactly good enough is it
And thinking about that made me feel like it was just a consoling thing, and that he did that a lot while we were dating, "Well, I've basically almost told her that we did this thing, or that this isn't okay."
...Which was just like, wait, no, that means you didn't tell her
And that's very conflicting to me too
And then I don't understand why I'm so hung up on this guy
And if I was even right to think he was at all caring and thoughtful and empathetic to me
Or if I was just making him that
And I have no idea what reality is
And I hate that
I hate that i have no idea what reality is.
I don't know what relaity is with anyone
I want so much to BELIEVE what they say, but then I feel like actions don't match up, and my interpretations of those actions
which is why I go to so many people
because I've never had a good sense of reality because my life has been fucekd up since before I can remember.
and it kills me.
i just hate it.
and I wish he could read all that, and be empathetic to the fact that I have these issues and am working on them, instead of taking them offensively and being hurt by them.
because I don't WANT to make him a bad guy
I try very very very hard to defend him and keep in a goodguy
Because I am terrified I villainize everyone and i don't know what to do
I can't trust my instincts, and I can't trust other people
and so I don't know what to do.
he did
but not after we started having sex
he asked me a ton before
thats part of why if ell for him again i think
because he was asking me so much and cared so much
I mean he said a lot of things
he said it meant a lot to him and that he couldnt' just have sex without a relationship
etc etc
and i was like, i didnt realize thats what we were trying
i never wanted that
with him
and i feel like he blames it all on me
and like now i'm being punished because all I wanted to do was date him, but I don't know if maybe I really did fuck up
Was it terrible of me to bring up the Elyse thing?
Was it fair?
Nobody wants to be harped on for the past
But it didn't feel like the past, it felt like fucking now.
because he hadn't told me anything had cahnged
and, because, he said that thigns had almost changed, really, in the end
and i don't know.
i don't know if he even cares about me
i'm so confused
and what sucks is
i feel like if he knew that i was questioning him caring
he'd be butt hurt
and use it as a reason to be mad at me
I'd be hurt if he felt like, right now, I dont' care about him
But if I knew that I'd do anything to prove to him that I do.
and I don't undrestand it
I don't understand this other mindset that's like
"Well, you think that I don't care, and I'm mad at you for it."
I mean, maybe if he'd been trying over and over to prove it
and maybe he did during our relationship?
and I fucked it up?
that one is hard to tell because he was also always pooping on it and saying it wasn't meant to be and talkking about elyse and his fat binghantom wife and
....there was so much time when I felt close to him, and then I don't know what he did
I don't know if he really doesnt want me around or if he's protecting himself or what
because its been all over the place.
and it hurts.
and i'm confused.
and i can't do it again.

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