Friday, July 12, 2013

I wanna commit to memory that I confronted Jeff tonight about my feelings from the past few months (feeling shitty about our encounter, feeling like he did things with me without having feeling for me, that he kept trying to sleep with me, his interpretation of past me).  He handled the situation wonderfully, he was very nice to me, he was understanding, he was upset and hurt by my feelings but seemed to forgive me and work through our feelings with me rather than shut off and get actually mad at me for my feelings.  I appreciate that.  It sucked to confront him, but I'm glad I did-- we worked it out, worked through some misconceptions we both had, agreed to not consider current us as past us (side note: I don't think that means he will actually look at Me Now and want to date me, or actually think of me as a different person.  I know I'm not terribly fond of the idea of dating Jeff anymore, but I guess I still want to be considered for some real reason that I don't understand -- probably rooting from feeling not good enough, wanting to be given another chance, really wanting kyle to do it and want to date me again).

It was a good thing.  I don't want to look back at this in a few months and villainize.  I might feel like I was bullied into forgiving him, I might feel like his anger forced me to not be completely honest (this is my fault, not his).  I think Jeff handled it really, really surprisingly well and I'm proud of him.  I hope that this will help my feelings of him; and if he was hurt by this and starts to get grumpy that he will practice what he preaches and come to me about it.

It was a really hard thing to do; I cried a lot.  It felt like talking to Kyle all over again, which was awful.

I still want to be with him though, for him to want to be with me.  Lame.

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