Tuesday, July 9, 2013

i really thought your email was a good thing.  my original interpretation was

"I understand why you did what you did.  Our circumstances were weird, and it made sense for that.  Anyway, don't sweat it-- I was being a bad friend, so I guess I deserved it, I'm sorry."

But I don't know if I just read into it too much, and looked for what I wanted to see, and you were being extremely dismissive actually, and want to have nothing to do with me, and don't want to be friends ever again, and want me completely out of your life, which isn't fair to me because I haven't done anything to you but be good to you.

And I want to be friends, and I want you to care about me, and I want you to apologize for hurting me but not for doing any of the romantic things, because I liked the romantic things.  And I don't know if I want to date you, I know I love you, I know I need a break, but I don't know what will happen when we start talking again, but I'd like to know for a fact that we can be friends again after we take a little break-- that you would like to be friends again.

Everyone said your email was dismissive.  Was it?  Were you dismissing how I feel, again, were you dismissing the situation, again?

Do you care about this at all?

Were you denying that we'd been half dating half not dating for the last four months?  That we were -something- even if that something was confusing?

I LOVE doing things with you.  I'm scared I'll always fall for you and you'll always fall for me, but I don't know until we get some space--but I want to do it healthily, and I want us to make our amends and take space on a positive note, not a negative one.

Do you want to do that?

Do you think you can do that?

Do you think you will just villainize me and make me the worst and hate me forever and never want to be my friend again?  Or more?  Because I have no idea what lays in our future.  But I know you hurt me really deeply.  I know you didn't mean to use me, but I also know that you know how much I love you and wanted to date you, and that you kept doing those kinds of things with me regardless of being wishy washy on how you felt, and you have no explanation and no apology and I don't... I don't even know what to make of that. 

What does that mean?

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