Sunday, July 21, 2013

I'm sad that I miss you.  I'm sad that I still want to be with you.  Anna says i need to just sit and accept those feelings, but its hard to do when you know you should do something about them.

But I guess the point is you can't.

I wish you would think about the situation at hand and just decide what you want.  If you don't want me, really, it's fine, we could be friends.  But you have to not keep me in limbo, you have to come to a conclusion.  A No, a real no now, you can change that.  Going from a no to a yes is wonderful.  Going from a maybe to a no is terrible.  Maybe is terrible.

I love you.  I think about you a lot.  It hurts me to not talk to you.  It fucking sucks.   I hate it and I want to communicate with you freely all the time.

But then I think about how little interest you've actually shown in my thoughts, my life, me the mast few years and I don't even know what I'm doing here.

I don't even know what I'm doing here, and it hurts me so deeply inside I don't even know how to express it.

That's why I this has mattered so much.

I wish you would see me and know me enough to understand that and figure out if you do care or not instead of flipping between the two.

But I don't know.
Maybe you don't care what happens in my life.

You only care about what happens in yours.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

i miss you.  still.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Whats frustrating is that I still want to date you.  I have all these concerns, but they are concerns to me.  I want to find a way to put the past behind us and be with you.  I still feel like you're the right person for me.

I hate it because then I have to tell myself, "But he doesn't love you.  He doesn't want you."  That sucks.  It hurts pretty bad.

These concerns are real concerns, but somewhere I must not believe that the bad ones can actually apply to you.  I don't know if you really are that person, or if I'm in love with the person you want to be and present yourself to be and not the real you, or what.

But the Kyle I feel I know so well, who tells me his thoughts, who would never use a girl and would never do something to someone that he did recently to me.  That Kyle.  He was a champion.  He was wonderful.  I wish I knew what had happened to him and how to get him back.

I'm not a bad person.  I didn't do anything but love you-- the problems I had I sought help for.  Clearly I still have issues with them, but I seem to also be dealing with them overall better.  I feel all the same, but my handling of it has changed.  I don't know what I could have done, and if you knew I wish you would tell me.

sometimes i'm scared you're the boyfriend in this comment.

"For example, last week when my boyfriend and I were walking on the waterfront on a sunny Thursday evening, we were approached by a big guy who attempted to intimidate us then ask for money. When we said "sorry, no", he "joked" that he was going to rob us. Mr. Crazy then followed us for 2 blocks trying to get my boyfriend to fight him by taunting us and cat calling me. My instinct was to "talk the guy down"...make him think it wasn't a big deal, we just wanted to be on our way - as a response to him yelling at me. Then Mr. Crazy runs after us, throws me in the street, and starts throwing punches at my boyfriend. The police were called, etc...we pressed assault charges. Two days later, my (now ex) boyfriend decided that it was somehow *my* fault for "engaging with the asshole and emasculating me"... He (because of the privilege bestowed upon tall attractive white dudes) had never been in a fight, never felt like he couldn't walk in his neighbourhood, never felt like he was at any risk. He willfully refused to consider my reaction as protectionist behaviour developed over a lifetime of being a woman trying to move freely on the planet, and instead chose to blame me for the actions of a violent offender with a history of jail time for violent crimes."

(I feel like you'd get mad at me for being preyed upon, sometimes)

(Though one would assume Kyle was trying to avoid that and failing miserable, considering what he said)
I think I feel shitty because I hate the idea that he was thinking of me just as a friend, he knows what I've been through, and maybe I shouldn't get 'special treatment' for my past, I dunno
I feel like, he knew more than anyone the details of what I'd been through
And I don't understand why I am looking back and feeling a weird lack of empathy
even though there was a lot of empathy sometimes, which is why its confusing
And I don't know how much of it was me feeling things just because I feel them
or me feelings things because of things kyle was projecting
Like, in general, I feel like ther's a lack of empathy from people, but is there really or is it just the way I feel because of my trauam, etc
yeah, but I think I also take situations and my brain goes into worst case and makes enemies of things to protect myslf
And so like
Something harmless can become "WTF WTF WTF why don't you CARE"

That's probably one of the reasons I was always forgiving of Kyle stuff
Because I dont' know how much is him
and how much is me
and i've never known, with any of my boyfriends
how much is them, how much is me.
i woke up today wondering if kyle liked me better more broken
and kyle -- it felt, especially
like kyle gaslit a lot
and was always putting things back on me
but it felt that way about Brian and jeff too
But I remember feeling like I wsa wrong all the time with Kyle
and I don't know how much of that was really him
and how much of that was me making him into that
and thats all very confusing
I miss him horribly, I wanna talk to him, I wish I could figure this stuff out
I hate everything I think
Like I was thinking about how maybe if he cared about me he would have contacted me by now
and he kicked me out of his life so clearly he doesn't give a shit
I was thinking about E3 and how not interested he was in talking to me about it
(But how interested he was in making out)
but then confused because he still wnateed to see me every weekend
I was thinking about other things; like stuff at work, and how he didn't seem to ask a lot
And I was always like, he's just busy
But was he?
he would listen if I talked to him
But I'm just not sure
And how it sucks, because if you question someone on that it hurts him
Like, that shitty feeling of feeling used, that really hurt him, I hate hurting him
But I also felt shitty and like I was being used
And I don't know what to do with that
And then the Elyse stuff
I was thinking about how he thought he had told me
And he hadn't, and how that's just a simple miscommunication, we should have just been like Oh, well, I'm glad we talkeda bout this because we clearly both had the wrong idea
and then I think about how he hsaid that "The flirting was all but over." and then explained that to mean, that it was nearly kind of almost over
And I was thinking, well, almost isn't exactly good enough is it
And thinking about that made me feel like it was just a consoling thing, and that he did that a lot while we were dating, "Well, I've basically almost told her that we did this thing, or that this isn't okay."
...Which was just like, wait, no, that means you didn't tell her
And that's very conflicting to me too
And then I don't understand why I'm so hung up on this guy
And if I was even right to think he was at all caring and thoughtful and empathetic to me
Or if I was just making him that
And I have no idea what reality is
And I hate that
I hate that i have no idea what reality is.
I don't know what relaity is with anyone
I want so much to BELIEVE what they say, but then I feel like actions don't match up, and my interpretations of those actions
which is why I go to so many people
because I've never had a good sense of reality because my life has been fucekd up since before I can remember.
and it kills me.
i just hate it.
and I wish he could read all that, and be empathetic to the fact that I have these issues and am working on them, instead of taking them offensively and being hurt by them.
because I don't WANT to make him a bad guy
I try very very very hard to defend him and keep in a goodguy
Because I am terrified I villainize everyone and i don't know what to do
I can't trust my instincts, and I can't trust other people
and so I don't know what to do.
he did
but not after we started having sex
he asked me a ton before
thats part of why if ell for him again i think
because he was asking me so much and cared so much
I mean he said a lot of things
he said it meant a lot to him and that he couldnt' just have sex without a relationship
etc etc
and i was like, i didnt realize thats what we were trying
i never wanted that
with him
and i feel like he blames it all on me
and like now i'm being punished because all I wanted to do was date him, but I don't know if maybe I really did fuck up
Was it terrible of me to bring up the Elyse thing?
Was it fair?
Nobody wants to be harped on for the past
But it didn't feel like the past, it felt like fucking now.
because he hadn't told me anything had cahnged
and, because, he said that thigns had almost changed, really, in the end
and i don't know.
i don't know if he even cares about me
i'm so confused
and what sucks is
i feel like if he knew that i was questioning him caring
he'd be butt hurt
and use it as a reason to be mad at me
I'd be hurt if he felt like, right now, I dont' care about him
But if I knew that I'd do anything to prove to him that I do.
and I don't undrestand it
I don't understand this other mindset that's like
"Well, you think that I don't care, and I'm mad at you for it."
I mean, maybe if he'd been trying over and over to prove it
and maybe he did during our relationship?
and I fucked it up?
that one is hard to tell because he was also always pooping on it and saying it wasn't meant to be and talkking about elyse and his fat binghantom wife and
....there was so much time when I felt close to him, and then I don't know what he did
I don't know if he really doesnt want me around or if he's protecting himself or what
because its been all over the place.
and it hurts.
and i'm confused.
and i can't do it again.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

I don't wanna go to Pacific Rim with these guys; I wanna go with you.


Are you okay?

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Ugh!  I am so worried about you!  I hope you are just busy preparing for comic con and you're okay.  Maybe you have met a new girl and are just spending all your time with her and enjoying that and I shouldn't be worried about it and she's perfect for you.

Of course a little part of me wants you to be sad over me (because I'm sad over you, and I want it to be equal, and I want you to miss me and come back to me, unfairly).  But if it were true that you were suffering over me I'd be miserable.  I hope you're not suffering.  If you are and you realize you need me, you can come talk to me at any time, you know.

I know you hate needing people though, so I'm sure if you are thinking that, you're fighting against it with everything you have.

I shouldn't be worried.  But I am, wringing my hands almost.  I hope eventually I stop thinking about it (that would probably be preferable to you, because you clearly don't want me in your life).

I wonder if you do miss me.

I wonder if you think about me and are hurting for me too.

I wonder if you'll miss me coming to your show next week.

but likely you're really busy with work things and you haven't been thinking about it much at all and life is the same with or without me.  You've probably even met new, better people.

urf, I still like you a lot.

Friday, July 12, 2013

I wanna commit to memory that I confronted Jeff tonight about my feelings from the past few months (feeling shitty about our encounter, feeling like he did things with me without having feeling for me, that he kept trying to sleep with me, his interpretation of past me).  He handled the situation wonderfully, he was very nice to me, he was understanding, he was upset and hurt by my feelings but seemed to forgive me and work through our feelings with me rather than shut off and get actually mad at me for my feelings.  I appreciate that.  It sucked to confront him, but I'm glad I did-- we worked it out, worked through some misconceptions we both had, agreed to not consider current us as past us (side note: I don't think that means he will actually look at Me Now and want to date me, or actually think of me as a different person.  I know I'm not terribly fond of the idea of dating Jeff anymore, but I guess I still want to be considered for some real reason that I don't understand -- probably rooting from feeling not good enough, wanting to be given another chance, really wanting kyle to do it and want to date me again).

It was a good thing.  I don't want to look back at this in a few months and villainize.  I might feel like I was bullied into forgiving him, I might feel like his anger forced me to not be completely honest (this is my fault, not his).  I think Jeff handled it really, really surprisingly well and I'm proud of him.  I hope that this will help my feelings of him; and if he was hurt by this and starts to get grumpy that he will practice what he preaches and come to me about it.

It was a really hard thing to do; I cried a lot.  It felt like talking to Kyle all over again, which was awful.

I still want to be with him though, for him to want to be with me.  Lame.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I love you.  It sucks.
I am admittedly worried about you.  I know I ought not be-- but I can't seem to help it.

I hope you're okay.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I guess maybe it was a good thing.

I hope we can at least be friends.

I know that I have more feelings than that, which is complicated, but hopefully this time apart will sort some of that out for both of us.

But no matter what I'd like us to be good friends, and I hope we can achieve that.

This makes me really sad.  I wonder if you are having as much depression about it as I am.

Or if you'll ever even miss me.
i really thought your email was a good thing.  my original interpretation was

"I understand why you did what you did.  Our circumstances were weird, and it made sense for that.  Anyway, don't sweat it-- I was being a bad friend, so I guess I deserved it, I'm sorry."

But I don't know if I just read into it too much, and looked for what I wanted to see, and you were being extremely dismissive actually, and want to have nothing to do with me, and don't want to be friends ever again, and want me completely out of your life, which isn't fair to me because I haven't done anything to you but be good to you.

And I want to be friends, and I want you to care about me, and I want you to apologize for hurting me but not for doing any of the romantic things, because I liked the romantic things.  And I don't know if I want to date you, I know I love you, I know I need a break, but I don't know what will happen when we start talking again, but I'd like to know for a fact that we can be friends again after we take a little break-- that you would like to be friends again.

Everyone said your email was dismissive.  Was it?  Were you dismissing how I feel, again, were you dismissing the situation, again?

Do you care about this at all?

Were you denying that we'd been half dating half not dating for the last four months?  That we were -something- even if that something was confusing?

I LOVE doing things with you.  I'm scared I'll always fall for you and you'll always fall for me, but I don't know until we get some space--but I want to do it healthily, and I want us to make our amends and take space on a positive note, not a negative one.

Do you want to do that?

Do you think you can do that?

Do you think you will just villainize me and make me the worst and hate me forever and never want to be my friend again?  Or more?  Because I have no idea what lays in our future.  But I know you hurt me really deeply.  I know you didn't mean to use me, but I also know that you know how much I love you and wanted to date you, and that you kept doing those kinds of things with me regardless of being wishy washy on how you felt, and you have no explanation and no apology and I don't... I don't even know what to make of that. 

What does that mean?

Monday, July 8, 2013

i feel like i'm a horrible person
i feel like i probably deserve these things
i feel like i probably have ruined the people who loved me
i feel like i probably don't deserve love.  i have done something wrong, i don't know what it is, but i am unfixable and i am unlovable.

i want to deserve love
i want to be a good person
i try very hard to be a good person
but, at heart, i think i may be just a really terrible person who doesn't belong in anyones lives.

i am afraid that i go for the abuse because i don't know anything else
i'm afraid i deserve it

i don't think anyone will ever treat me right

i'm afraid i don't even know what right is or if i even like it

and who am i to deserve it

i try to do good things
but i think i probably made these things happen

because i am probably the worst.

Sunday, July 7, 2013


I don't know how twitter added marci buehler to my follow list.

i hate that you unfollowed me on twitter.  i don't know if its related.  i think it was probably from reading your twitter.  i'm completely bummed about it.

i don't want to never ever be friends again.   i really hate this.

i feel like its all my fault and Ive done everything wrong.

i'm the hugest idiot

real friends don't give ultimatums.

i don't deserve you either.

i just wanted you to have a reason to stop hurting me, to care about it, i guess.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

I feel really terrible and guilty and I hate that I gave you an ultimatum, and I hate that I feel like I had to do it.  I hate all of that.  I was trying to do what seemed best for both of us and it feels terrible and I feel like I've done something far worse than you've ever done.

I know you made the choice.   I know it, I know it, I know it.  And I clearly haven't given up on you, I still want to be there for you.  You chose to make me leave your life.


I'm an idiot.  I hate this.

this is the worst

I dreamed that I came to your show in awhile and you decided to kiss all the girls in New Money infront of me.  I think you saw me first.

Then I had a dream that my dad proposed an indecent relationship with me, and when I turned him down he asked if anything would ever be the same, and he said no, and I went to jump infront of a car-- and then I went to talk to him and explained how much that hurts me.  I had a healthy reaction in the end.  I may have invited it.  I don't know.

I miss you already.  Not in the way that I want to see you, and I have to talk to you-- though I would like to.  But knowing that we can't talk, we may never talk again, that hurts in my chest and aches way deeply with me.  I know you didn't want to either-- I can't believe you would choose this over stopping hurting me.

Because that's what I was asking for, you know.  I was asking "Please, stop hurting me, stop abusing me, do something about this behavior -- so we can be friends, or whatever it is that you want."  That's why I want you to figure out what's going on in your head.  You claim to care about me, so figure out in your brain why you treat me this way.  It's not 'easier' to force ourselves apart, its easier to just stop treating someone bad.  At least you have their support.  Pushing me away-- you told me, basically, that abusing me is more important to you than I actually am.  You chose laziness.

And that sucks.  You're at the age that this stuff can get set in stone.  And I'm perfectly aware that maybe I'm just terrible and you do this because of that and you never ever would with any other person ever.  But I don't believe it, because you weren't always nice to your closest friends either.

I wasn't telling you to change everything about yourself.  I like who you are.  I just don't want you to hurt me, and even if its without intention, ignoring it shows a deliberate lack of care that you -were- hurting someone.

But don't you think I've been hurt enough already?

You have, too.

I just want to care about you.

I know now I'm supposed to be focusing on me, and ignoring you, and not dealing with this at all anymore.  You made your decision, and you decided you don't want to have anything to do with me.

But I still am worried about you.

And, I suppose sadly, I still love you.  I still care so much about you.

I feel like I should've told you that I adore you but I hate some of your actions.  But it wouldn't have mattered.  You were already saying you don't care about my feelings.

You got mad at me for feeling used.  I can understand that would hurt you, and I'm happy you talked to me about it again-- the actions you do point to things that your words don't.  That's why I question you so much.  For how awful you felt with me being worried, how terrible do you think I felt feeling like the one person I trusted used me?  And has no interest in me?  And doesn't care about my feelings?  Would try to get my shirt off on a Saturday and to get sexy and within an hour say 'maybe' to another date.  Like if I behave well enough, I'll get one?

I know it was based on your anxieties and feelings-- but all the things I questioned you on I had every right to question you on.  It doesn't mean I can't trust you.  It means there are some huge gaps in communication-- you're not telling me things you say you're telling me, and I wasn't asking out of fear you'd react the way you did.

And your answer that flirting with Elyse had all but stopped.  So it had mostly stopped.  It had almost completely stopped.  There's that room for fudging there that's kind of unacceptable if you're having sex with me and grabbing my boobs.  There shouldn't be almost.  That was how it was when we were dating.  Its just leaving room for the fact that you have feelings for her that you're not willing to give up.

But you are willing to give up me.

It's so telling.  It hurts so much.  How can't you see how that would make me feel used?  Even if you do have feelings for me.  You refuse to have self awareness.

Why are you so afraid of that?

And I hate that I still miss you.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Did you use me?

KBos I am very hurt, very confused.


I don't want to believe you would use me.  I really don't.  It kills me inside.  But I have no explanation for your actions, and in the end it is using.  Unless you have something, some feelings, some explanation, some desire to make this work (which is seeming, admittedly, rather unlikely right now), it feels like you only would do things to get things-- we would go on dates, you would agree, and you would do things with me because you know I'd put out and you know you want me.  Sexually.  Only sexually.  The biggest Jeff ever, but meaner, because you know how I feel.  You know I want to be your girlfriend, and then you threw it in my face and said I would do that to you.

Everything you've done, touching my breasts, taking off my shirt, kissing me, dating me, that all means something to me.  It means, there's a connection here, there are feelings, I want to see where this goes.   But you won't man up and let it go anywhere, you say you don't even know if you want it to, you get mad at me, and you keep Elyse around.

What is with Elyse?

I feel more than ever that I was just a placeholder.  A sex placeholder until you could possibly get your hands on her.  You were keeping her romance alive, keeping me a secret, and using me in the meantime.

And now that you've been mean, and hurtful, you won't message me, you won't apologize, you won't do anything.  You know I wasn't wrong to bring up Elyse.  You know I'm not wrong to say she makes me feel uncomfortable.  At this point I have every right to say that.

So what am I to you
do you not even care about me at all?

I hate it.   I hate thinking you would do that to me.  We were friends, we were lovers-- you LOVED me once, even if you don't know, how could you do that to a person you loved?   How could you do that to a person you know has suffered so much?

Are you that selfish?  Or naive?

I genuinely don't understand.  And it's killing me.  I just want you to know what I mean to you and it feels more and more like it's nothing.  And I don't think I did anything to deserve that.  I don't think I did anything to deserve this at all.