Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I had a dream last night that you told Thanh that I was actually rather unappealing.  That you imagined that I thought you were rather standoffish most of the time.  And that I'm "skinny at best" as a way to describe how attractive you thought I was.

I know a lot of that is bogus, but it still hurt.  I guess because you'd be doing all this consciously knowing you find me unappealing.

I try to stay positive.  I try to give you so much benefit of the doubt.  You say you feel like you're mistreating me.  I have to say I agree.  So why don't you apologize and make good?

Are you upset about mistreating me because you care that my feelings are hurt (then apologize, and do what we both really want deep down and get back together with me and make some commitments, it'll make us both happier), or are you upset because you don't want to have to think of yourself as the type of person that would do this to someone?

If it's the second, then I guess you probably care about me a little, but not a whole lot.  Maybe it is just lust.  Maybe you don't care about me or love me at all.

You say you like talking on the phone with me.  Then do it.
You say you like cuddling with me.  Then do it.

You like SO MANY parts of being with me, things are SO different, so why not just stop sticking your toe in the pool then jumping out and actually dive in.  It doesn't mean we have to get married.  It means you have to commit and we have to try it, for reals, not this half in nonsense where you let your anxieties rule you.

That entails not pushing away (as much)
That entails not brushing me off (as much)
That entails not freaking out and saying things are over at the drop of a dime.
You won't LET yourself be happy.
You won't LET yourself have what you very (apparently to me anyway) seem to want.

Or is this just nice guy syndrome?  You don't want to hurt me?

Because you're hurting me worse by back and forthing than you ever could by dating me again and us breaking up again.

And you're hurting me worse by pushing me away emotionally than taking space for your brain out of stress.  Just because you need the weeks to yourself for E3 doesn't mean you have to be a cold turkey to me.  You can message me.  You can talk to me.  You can enjoy me.  And the only reason I think you want it so bad (as severely) is because you make it SO MESSY by letting your anxieties control you.

Sometimes I feel SO played, and I get scared that the only thing I'm good for to you is relating to Pokemon, being there when you're lonely, and most of all fucking fap material.

I'm more than that.

Recognize it and get into shape.  I adore you, I don't think you're a jerk, but what you're doing is very reminiscent of a lot of people that you look down on.  So cut it out and take me out on a date and go with this after E3 is over.

Monday, June 3, 2013

I want a hug from you very badly tonight.  I wish we could cuddle.

I am trying very hard to not say too much or guilt you.  Because, you know, I know you have stress on your plate right now.

But with all the things, I want to be with you so bad.  And I miss physical contact.  I want to cuddle more than anything.