This morning I thought about how much I wanted to be with you. How angry I am about Elyse (I'm still afraid you're waiting for her, or that she's 'winning' over me, despite your protests). But it still feels like you pick her over me. Continuously. And for what reason? She doesn't want to do anything for you, she doesn't even seem to want to be with you. Does she? Does that make you feel better?
So if I randomly decided I stopped wanting to be with you, is that when you'd want to be with me again? If I stopped caring about everything that we do, and supporting you, and going to your things.... how does she manage to give you just the right amount where you don't freak out and you remain OBSESSED with her?
You broke my heart with her. She continues to stick around. She messes up every chance you start to give me. She plays a role that I don't want to deal with and I hate it. I just want us to try a relationship without her. I want us both to commit. It's like improv. If you just say yes, and you just commit, it'll make a better scene-- it'll make a better relationship.
I'm terrified, and convinced as of this morning, that you won't care if I disappear from your life. You'd care if Elyse did. But not me. I could go, and you wouldn't message me to ask me how I'm doing, or what's going on in my life. You just don't want to care (even though I think you do care).
Would you care that I stood up for myself yesterday at work? Would you care that they asked me back for Superjail?
And you say you know me, there's nothing "new" to discover. But do you really?
Do you know my favourite colour?
Do you know my favourite things?
Do you know the things that I really enjoy?
Do you know the things that make me smile?
Do you know what things to get me that would make me happiest?
Do you know what I would do with my spare time if I had all the spare time in the world?
Wruf. I dunno. You might know portions of those things, but you've been trying so hard to not pay attention to the things I care about for so long, I'm not really sure you even know who I am/who I've become. Little glimpses. You know I like you. And that I'm easy going when it comes to you, and the things you do, and the way you act, and that you treat me with all of this.
I wish you would spend less time forcing distance between us, and more time trying to figure out what you really want. Is that Elyse? Is it completely? Is it me? Do you know for sure it's not?
In the meantime I'm sad without you. I want you to come to me, I want you to talk to me, but I'm terrified of giving anyone that space because I don't think they'll come back.
They never have, and I'm probably not worth it.
And the saddest, most secret thing I thought this morning is that I don't want to live in a world where you won't give me another chance.
That thing is just a thought, a feeling though. It's not a threat.