Friday, May 31, 2013

Dammit, I really love your elephant gif.  It's my favourite so far.  You look so adorable.  I adore it.

I hope you will actually talk to me and don't shut me out of your life for two weeks.  If you do, I dunno if you deserve more dates-- I adore you,  I wanna go on them, I know you care about me, but you really can't seem to get yourself together enough to just commit to doing this and having fun.
Oy oy all this push and pull.

It makes me anxious.

I really enjoyed our date.  I want it to be the first of many.  But I admit I get anxious you pull away as soon as we have one.  You seem keen to go see a show, go see movies, have more pokemon dates-- and I know you're feeling the E3 Crisis (it's hard for me to imagine, I wish you'd just lay out what one of your days is like for me to help me out).  But it also feels like you're going to just pull away again, push me out, and then I'm going to be on the other end of your freakout.  And then you'll go back, and pull me back in and go on another date, or kiss me again, and it's this repeating pattern.

I like kissing you, and I like going on dates.  Let's just... do that.  You made the decision, just stick to it, keep us both from hurting.  We can take it slow.  Your anxiety doesn't have to win.  Your anxiety wins because you keep -not choosing-.

A date is a big deal.  We did it.  That's a huge step forward in what's been our relationship.

I want to go on more.

I want to hold your hand again.

But the push and pull has made me so inevitably anxious, I can't do it forever.  Not to this extreme.

I'm excited about you.  I like you.  I know I'm getting ahead of myself with the anxiety, but it still feels like in between your "on" periods, when you're pulling away and being distant, I become less of a person to you.

Do you really not want me to talk to you until E3 is over?


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I'll admit that I think the (physical) things I miss the most about a relationship are holding hands, little kisses, and long hugs.

Just having someone you can go to who wants to be around you is nice, too.

I want more cuddles, haha.

I hope you ask me out on another date sometime. /).(\

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

May 27th, I really liked that first date.

I'm worried you're going to swing away and we'll get no more dates, no more cuddles, again, until you swing back.  I had a lot of fun though.  I thought it was an easy thing, with boundaries, which I liked a lot.

I liked you kissing me at my car. :) That was a nice kiss.

And, of course, some of the fun when I got home.

I hope you'll ask me on another one!  I'd like to go see a movie again at some point.  I'm a little disappointed no good ones are coming out for awhile.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

KB Toys

This morning I thought about how much I wanted to be with you.  How angry I am about Elyse (I'm still afraid you're waiting for her, or that she's 'winning' over me, despite your protests).  But it still feels like you pick her over me.  Continuously.  And for what reason?  She doesn't want to do anything for you, she doesn't even seem to want to be with you.  Does she?  Does that make you feel better?

So if I randomly decided I stopped wanting to be with you, is that when you'd want to be with me again?  If I stopped caring about everything that we do, and supporting you, and going to your things.... how does she manage to give you just the right amount where you don't freak out and you remain OBSESSED with her?

You broke my heart with her.  She continues to stick around.  She messes up every chance you start to give me.  She plays a role that I don't want to deal with and I hate it.  I just want us to try a relationship without her.  I want us both to commit.  It's like improv.  If you just say yes, and you just commit, it'll make a better scene-- it'll make a better relationship.

I'm terrified, and convinced as of this morning, that you won't care if I disappear from your life.  You'd care if Elyse did.  But not me.  I could go, and you wouldn't message me to ask me how I'm doing, or what's going on in my life.  You just don't want to care (even though I think you do care).

Would you care that I stood up for myself yesterday at work?  Would you care that they asked me back for Superjail?

And you say you know me, there's nothing "new" to discover.  But do you really?

Do you know my favourite colour?
Do you know my favourite things?
Do you know the things that I really enjoy?
Do you know the things that make me smile?
Do you know what things to get me that would make me happiest?
Do you know what I would do with my spare time if I had all the spare time in the world?

Wruf.  I dunno.  You might know portions of those things, but you've been trying so hard to not pay attention to the things I care about for so long, I'm not really sure you even know who I am/who I've become.  Little glimpses.  You know I like you.  And that I'm easy going when it comes to you, and the things you do, and the way you act, and that you treat me with all of this.

I wish you would spend less time forcing distance between us, and more time trying to figure out what you really want.  Is that Elyse?  Is it completely?  Is it me?  Do you know for sure it's not?

In the meantime I'm sad without you.  I want you to come to me, I want you to talk to me, but I'm terrified of giving anyone that space because I don't think they'll come back.

They never have, and I'm probably not worth it.

And the saddest, most secret thing I thought this morning is that I don't want to live in a world where you won't give me another chance.
That thing is just a thought, a feeling though.  It's not a threat.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Here's another truth:

When I drew that drawing for you of the leaf and the caterpillar.  When I was drawing it, I thought, Kyle is the leaf.  I did actually think that.  Then I was too embarrassed to tell you, I was too afraid of letting that truth go.  Then you said it was cute, and I wish I had told you all along.

You are my leaf.  You make me feel protected.  You make me feel safe.  You make me feel stronger.

I don't want that to go away.  Please don't take that away.  I just want to be with you.  I want you to know how you feel for me, and to hold me again.  I keep thinking about us in sexy times, and it's terrible, and I start crying.  Because I want it so much, I keep thinking, that can't be the last time, that's unacceptable.

ugh.  i hate this.  i hate myself.
I'm hurting.
I feel sick.  I feel anxious.  I can't sleep.  I'm exhausted.  Physically.  Mentally.  Emotionally.

It all comes around this decision, the decision if I should lock you out of my life for awhile.  Let you draw away, let you stop caring about me.  The moment that happens I fear my heart will break completely.  I don't want to give up on you, and I don't think I ever will, not really, I'll always be willing to give you a chance.  But I don't want to date others (I'm too afraid, the desire isn't there).  I just want to see if it can work with you.

A lot of it is about safety.  You make me feel safe, emotionally.  In a way that I've never been able to feel in my life, before.  That it's okay to feel the way I feel, and you'll accept it.  What I dislike is that you're trying to change the way I feel by saying you're still discouraging me.  I don't like you trying to change the way I feel.  But I guess it's fair game.  I haven't tried to change the way you've felt, this time.  I understood it.  I told you it seems like you have some thinking you have to do-- because YOU said you don't know, YOU said maybe.  And the only real discouragement you can give me is by saying an actual no.  By not wanting me.  And instead it feels like a part of you wants that future with me, too, where we're retired together in Colorado and we hold hands on a porch swing and laugh about how stupid all this was.

Because this is stupid.

But it also makes me anxious, and sick, and feel horrible, and I don't want to never talk to you again because you make me feel safe.  And I don't want to feel completely alone in the world again.  And like clearly I'm not worth it.  And I am afraid of dating again, because I think it doesn't matter how long it is, but if someone else dates me, and breaks up with me, I won't be able to handle it.  The nail in the coffin.

I can take it from you.

I know that no matter what you and I still like each other, we still come together.  I've stated that.  You've said that seems to be true, too.  So what, in another six months you'll be in the same cycle, not saying you discourage me, wanting to rub my feet, feeling lonely and horny, and then what am I?  Am I just some lady you fuck when you feel that way, or is there more-- are you scared because of feelings you have inside of you, or what I did?

I know I have put too much pressure on this.  I do want it to work.  I care a lot about it.  That's all true.  I still want to try.  I still think you're worth it.  But I'm also terrified of anything else.

I do hate this situation.

Everyone thinks if I stop talking to you then there will be space and you can figure out what you want. I'm trying to give you space and talk to you only when you talk to me.  I went to your show, and I'm waiting for you to ask me what I thought about it, and guess which sketch is yours, because otherwise I'm not sure if you care to know.

I think you do, I'm sure you'd want to know.  You forget easily.  But also, you are trying to distance yourself from me and not care about what I think, and that hurts me terribly.  Its the last thing I want, you know, for the one person who has cared so much about me to stop caring about me.

I feel used.  I feel sick.  I feel stupid.  I feel unloved and unworthy.  I also feel like you look at me and I'm the Queen of the world-- of the jungle-- of everything.  I feel like, in your eyes, I can do anything.  And if I stuck with it, I could be with you.  But I realize you have to come to me.  It's the only way you'll know you want it.  Even if you are the one who starts cuddling, snuggling, kissing-- you START all of that.  I sit by you and try to respect your boundaries and go with your flow every time, and every time you freak out.  And every time you blame it on me.  I could not talk about your anxieties and what you're doing with me and just let you use me, but I respect myself too much to be used and then thrown away when your anxiety gets too much.

This is your stupid cycle.

But it's hurting me.

And I don't know what to do.