Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I'm so happy when I'm with you.
I'm so happy when I think about being with you.

Those moments make me smile.  I love you, I love you so much.  

But in between, I need to admit and face my fear and anxiety.

I'm so tired of Elyse.  I'm so tired of her.  It's wearing me out.  We make out, and we have done more, we send photos, we talk about how much we want each other, but she looms above us, not even aware, not even paying attention, not even caring.  

I hate the idea of you sleeping with me, being intimate with me, and chasing this other girl.  I hate it.  It makes me furious, it makes me sad.  I don't know what you're really doing, I've been avoiding it, I've been too afraid to ask.  I don't want to know the answer, because I don't want to stop.  I want to win you from her, even if it's the long game.  But I'm afraid I won't.  More importantly, I'm afraid I can't.

I'm afraid that because you slept with me and think of her the next day, that you like her more.
I'm afraid that if she had been with you, if she had slept with you, you would not think about me.  You wouldn't think about me at all, that I would fade to a memory, your feelings for me would fade.

I'm afraid that if you started dating her, you would let me fade.  That you'd let me disappear.  I'm afraid that you'd let me disappear now, and the only reason there is still anything there is because I doggedly chase you.  That I don't let you forget.  That you would, you would choose that.

Then I think about all the times I've said, maybe we should.  I think about my time with Tattoos, and you were frustrated and jealous and messaged me and checked in on me.  

I am so proud of the things you do.

I ask you about how you are.

I wish you luck. 

I think of you. 

I want to see you.

Does she?
I'm sure she does.

Do you run to her, wanting to tell her about how things go, but not tell me?
Do you want to talk to her, does she not have to draw it out of you?

Are you closed off to me because of her, or because of me?

When we're in person, you tell me.  But I think of it, and you never ask me to see me in person, that's always me.

That's how you are with everyone.

But that's not how you used to be with me.  I'm not saying all the time.  We have to keep separate.  And honestly things are really confusing right now.  I want things to be right between us.

I'm afraid if we start the relationship on this note, you'll never be willing to be in it.  But I'm so happy to be doing it, I don't want to stop.  If we do this, this slow build, will you build?  Will you join me and feel for me the way I feel for you?

Or will we slowly build, and you'll do all this with me, and then one day Elyse will say 'I'm coming to LA" and then she'll take your world away from me, because it was never mine to begin with?

If she were here, would you want to hang out with her all the time?
Would you cherish time with her more than alone time? 
Would you want her to sit around and watch you play video games, just so you could be near her some extra time?

Or would you be the same as you are with me?

How much of this is because you are lonely, or because you're holding out.

Am I just for sex?

I know you have feelings for me, it's clear when we're together-- but you compartmentalize them so much, I don't know what to take away from it.  And I don't know how much of it is me wanting to see something because I love you and want you so damn much.

I want to be with you, KBos.  I want to be with you even if I gotta spend time away from you for awhile.  I want to have a slow build, I want to work out the kinks, I want to have your children and watch you parent them.  I want to do everything with you.  I dream of marrying you.

But what if all of this, all of this stuff I dream of with you, you can't imagine with me.  What if I'm just sexual release, for now, but your feelings are always stronger for her, and you imagine all that with her?

I'm scared I'm just your mistress.  Your secret mistress, that will be discarded easily when your choice has to be made.

I wouldn't fear any of this if she weren't in the picture.
I wouldn't fear any of this if you would make the choice, choose me, and work on removing your feelings from her. 

If you would make that choice at all, that real choice.  I would not think during the week that you love someone more than me, and that's why you don't want to see me.  I'd know you were busy.

I wouldn't think that because you don't tell me something, or because you don't talk to me, it's because you don't care.

If you tell her first.  If you think of her first.  If you are desperate for her approval, for her attention....

Then what are you doing with me.
You seek none of that with me.