Sunday, July 21, 2013

I'm sad that I miss you.  I'm sad that I still want to be with you.  Anna says i need to just sit and accept those feelings, but its hard to do when you know you should do something about them.

But I guess the point is you can't.

I wish you would think about the situation at hand and just decide what you want.  If you don't want me, really, it's fine, we could be friends.  But you have to not keep me in limbo, you have to come to a conclusion.  A No, a real no now, you can change that.  Going from a no to a yes is wonderful.  Going from a maybe to a no is terrible.  Maybe is terrible.

I love you.  I think about you a lot.  It hurts me to not talk to you.  It fucking sucks.   I hate it and I want to communicate with you freely all the time.

But then I think about how little interest you've actually shown in my thoughts, my life, me the mast few years and I don't even know what I'm doing here.

I don't even know what I'm doing here, and it hurts me so deeply inside I don't even know how to express it.

That's why I this has mattered so much.

I wish you would see me and know me enough to understand that and figure out if you do care or not instead of flipping between the two.

But I don't know.
Maybe you don't care what happens in my life.

You only care about what happens in yours.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

i miss you.  still.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Whats frustrating is that I still want to date you.  I have all these concerns, but they are concerns to me.  I want to find a way to put the past behind us and be with you.  I still feel like you're the right person for me.

I hate it because then I have to tell myself, "But he doesn't love you.  He doesn't want you."  That sucks.  It hurts pretty bad.

These concerns are real concerns, but somewhere I must not believe that the bad ones can actually apply to you.  I don't know if you really are that person, or if I'm in love with the person you want to be and present yourself to be and not the real you, or what.

But the Kyle I feel I know so well, who tells me his thoughts, who would never use a girl and would never do something to someone that he did recently to me.  That Kyle.  He was a champion.  He was wonderful.  I wish I knew what had happened to him and how to get him back.

I'm not a bad person.  I didn't do anything but love you-- the problems I had I sought help for.  Clearly I still have issues with them, but I seem to also be dealing with them overall better.  I feel all the same, but my handling of it has changed.  I don't know what I could have done, and if you knew I wish you would tell me.

sometimes i'm scared you're the boyfriend in this comment.

"For example, last week when my boyfriend and I were walking on the waterfront on a sunny Thursday evening, we were approached by a big guy who attempted to intimidate us then ask for money. When we said "sorry, no", he "joked" that he was going to rob us. Mr. Crazy then followed us for 2 blocks trying to get my boyfriend to fight him by taunting us and cat calling me. My instinct was to "talk the guy down"...make him think it wasn't a big deal, we just wanted to be on our way - as a response to him yelling at me. Then Mr. Crazy runs after us, throws me in the street, and starts throwing punches at my boyfriend. The police were called, etc...we pressed assault charges. Two days later, my (now ex) boyfriend decided that it was somehow *my* fault for "engaging with the asshole and emasculating me"... He (because of the privilege bestowed upon tall attractive white dudes) had never been in a fight, never felt like he couldn't walk in his neighbourhood, never felt like he was at any risk. He willfully refused to consider my reaction as protectionist behaviour developed over a lifetime of being a woman trying to move freely on the planet, and instead chose to blame me for the actions of a violent offender with a history of jail time for violent crimes."

(I feel like you'd get mad at me for being preyed upon, sometimes)

(Though one would assume Kyle was trying to avoid that and failing miserable, considering what he said)
I think I feel shitty because I hate the idea that he was thinking of me just as a friend, he knows what I've been through, and maybe I shouldn't get 'special treatment' for my past, I dunno
I feel like, he knew more than anyone the details of what I'd been through
And I don't understand why I am looking back and feeling a weird lack of empathy
even though there was a lot of empathy sometimes, which is why its confusing
And I don't know how much of it was me feeling things just because I feel them
or me feelings things because of things kyle was projecting
Like, in general, I feel like ther's a lack of empathy from people, but is there really or is it just the way I feel because of my trauam, etc
yeah, but I think I also take situations and my brain goes into worst case and makes enemies of things to protect myslf
And so like
Something harmless can become "WTF WTF WTF why don't you CARE"

That's probably one of the reasons I was always forgiving of Kyle stuff
Because I dont' know how much is him
and how much is me
and i've never known, with any of my boyfriends
how much is them, how much is me.
i woke up today wondering if kyle liked me better more broken
and kyle -- it felt, especially
like kyle gaslit a lot
and was always putting things back on me
but it felt that way about Brian and jeff too
But I remember feeling like I wsa wrong all the time with Kyle
and I don't know how much of that was really him
and how much of that was me making him into that
and thats all very confusing
I miss him horribly, I wanna talk to him, I wish I could figure this stuff out
I hate everything I think
Like I was thinking about how maybe if he cared about me he would have contacted me by now
and he kicked me out of his life so clearly he doesn't give a shit
I was thinking about E3 and how not interested he was in talking to me about it
(But how interested he was in making out)
but then confused because he still wnateed to see me every weekend
I was thinking about other things; like stuff at work, and how he didn't seem to ask a lot
And I was always like, he's just busy
But was he?
he would listen if I talked to him
But I'm just not sure
And how it sucks, because if you question someone on that it hurts him
Like, that shitty feeling of feeling used, that really hurt him, I hate hurting him
But I also felt shitty and like I was being used
And I don't know what to do with that
And then the Elyse stuff
I was thinking about how he thought he had told me
And he hadn't, and how that's just a simple miscommunication, we should have just been like Oh, well, I'm glad we talkeda bout this because we clearly both had the wrong idea
and then I think about how he hsaid that "The flirting was all but over." and then explained that to mean, that it was nearly kind of almost over
And I was thinking, well, almost isn't exactly good enough is it
And thinking about that made me feel like it was just a consoling thing, and that he did that a lot while we were dating, "Well, I've basically almost told her that we did this thing, or that this isn't okay."
...Which was just like, wait, no, that means you didn't tell her
And that's very conflicting to me too
And then I don't understand why I'm so hung up on this guy
And if I was even right to think he was at all caring and thoughtful and empathetic to me
Or if I was just making him that
And I have no idea what reality is
And I hate that
I hate that i have no idea what reality is.
I don't know what relaity is with anyone
I want so much to BELIEVE what they say, but then I feel like actions don't match up, and my interpretations of those actions
which is why I go to so many people
because I've never had a good sense of reality because my life has been fucekd up since before I can remember.
and it kills me.
i just hate it.
and I wish he could read all that, and be empathetic to the fact that I have these issues and am working on them, instead of taking them offensively and being hurt by them.
because I don't WANT to make him a bad guy
I try very very very hard to defend him and keep in a goodguy
Because I am terrified I villainize everyone and i don't know what to do
I can't trust my instincts, and I can't trust other people
and so I don't know what to do.
he did
but not after we started having sex
he asked me a ton before
thats part of why if ell for him again i think
because he was asking me so much and cared so much
I mean he said a lot of things
he said it meant a lot to him and that he couldnt' just have sex without a relationship
etc etc
and i was like, i didnt realize thats what we were trying
i never wanted that
with him
and i feel like he blames it all on me
and like now i'm being punished because all I wanted to do was date him, but I don't know if maybe I really did fuck up
Was it terrible of me to bring up the Elyse thing?
Was it fair?
Nobody wants to be harped on for the past
But it didn't feel like the past, it felt like fucking now.
because he hadn't told me anything had cahnged
and, because, he said that thigns had almost changed, really, in the end
and i don't know.
i don't know if he even cares about me
i'm so confused
and what sucks is
i feel like if he knew that i was questioning him caring
he'd be butt hurt
and use it as a reason to be mad at me
I'd be hurt if he felt like, right now, I dont' care about him
But if I knew that I'd do anything to prove to him that I do.
and I don't undrestand it
I don't understand this other mindset that's like
"Well, you think that I don't care, and I'm mad at you for it."
I mean, maybe if he'd been trying over and over to prove it
and maybe he did during our relationship?
and I fucked it up?
that one is hard to tell because he was also always pooping on it and saying it wasn't meant to be and talkking about elyse and his fat binghantom wife and
....there was so much time when I felt close to him, and then I don't know what he did
I don't know if he really doesnt want me around or if he's protecting himself or what
because its been all over the place.
and it hurts.
and i'm confused.
and i can't do it again.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

I don't wanna go to Pacific Rim with these guys; I wanna go with you.


Are you okay?

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Ugh!  I am so worried about you!  I hope you are just busy preparing for comic con and you're okay.  Maybe you have met a new girl and are just spending all your time with her and enjoying that and I shouldn't be worried about it and she's perfect for you.

Of course a little part of me wants you to be sad over me (because I'm sad over you, and I want it to be equal, and I want you to miss me and come back to me, unfairly).  But if it were true that you were suffering over me I'd be miserable.  I hope you're not suffering.  If you are and you realize you need me, you can come talk to me at any time, you know.

I know you hate needing people though, so I'm sure if you are thinking that, you're fighting against it with everything you have.

I shouldn't be worried.  But I am, wringing my hands almost.  I hope eventually I stop thinking about it (that would probably be preferable to you, because you clearly don't want me in your life).

I wonder if you do miss me.

I wonder if you think about me and are hurting for me too.

I wonder if you'll miss me coming to your show next week.

but likely you're really busy with work things and you haven't been thinking about it much at all and life is the same with or without me.  You've probably even met new, better people.

urf, I still like you a lot.

Friday, July 12, 2013

I wanna commit to memory that I confronted Jeff tonight about my feelings from the past few months (feeling shitty about our encounter, feeling like he did things with me without having feeling for me, that he kept trying to sleep with me, his interpretation of past me).  He handled the situation wonderfully, he was very nice to me, he was understanding, he was upset and hurt by my feelings but seemed to forgive me and work through our feelings with me rather than shut off and get actually mad at me for my feelings.  I appreciate that.  It sucked to confront him, but I'm glad I did-- we worked it out, worked through some misconceptions we both had, agreed to not consider current us as past us (side note: I don't think that means he will actually look at Me Now and want to date me, or actually think of me as a different person.  I know I'm not terribly fond of the idea of dating Jeff anymore, but I guess I still want to be considered for some real reason that I don't understand -- probably rooting from feeling not good enough, wanting to be given another chance, really wanting kyle to do it and want to date me again).

It was a good thing.  I don't want to look back at this in a few months and villainize.  I might feel like I was bullied into forgiving him, I might feel like his anger forced me to not be completely honest (this is my fault, not his).  I think Jeff handled it really, really surprisingly well and I'm proud of him.  I hope that this will help my feelings of him; and if he was hurt by this and starts to get grumpy that he will practice what he preaches and come to me about it.

It was a really hard thing to do; I cried a lot.  It felt like talking to Kyle all over again, which was awful.

I still want to be with him though, for him to want to be with me.  Lame.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I love you.  It sucks.
I am admittedly worried about you.  I know I ought not be-- but I can't seem to help it.

I hope you're okay.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I guess maybe it was a good thing.

I hope we can at least be friends.

I know that I have more feelings than that, which is complicated, but hopefully this time apart will sort some of that out for both of us.

But no matter what I'd like us to be good friends, and I hope we can achieve that.

This makes me really sad.  I wonder if you are having as much depression about it as I am.

Or if you'll ever even miss me.
i really thought your email was a good thing.  my original interpretation was

"I understand why you did what you did.  Our circumstances were weird, and it made sense for that.  Anyway, don't sweat it-- I was being a bad friend, so I guess I deserved it, I'm sorry."

But I don't know if I just read into it too much, and looked for what I wanted to see, and you were being extremely dismissive actually, and want to have nothing to do with me, and don't want to be friends ever again, and want me completely out of your life, which isn't fair to me because I haven't done anything to you but be good to you.

And I want to be friends, and I want you to care about me, and I want you to apologize for hurting me but not for doing any of the romantic things, because I liked the romantic things.  And I don't know if I want to date you, I know I love you, I know I need a break, but I don't know what will happen when we start talking again, but I'd like to know for a fact that we can be friends again after we take a little break-- that you would like to be friends again.

Everyone said your email was dismissive.  Was it?  Were you dismissing how I feel, again, were you dismissing the situation, again?

Do you care about this at all?

Were you denying that we'd been half dating half not dating for the last four months?  That we were -something- even if that something was confusing?

I LOVE doing things with you.  I'm scared I'll always fall for you and you'll always fall for me, but I don't know until we get some space--but I want to do it healthily, and I want us to make our amends and take space on a positive note, not a negative one.

Do you want to do that?

Do you think you can do that?

Do you think you will just villainize me and make me the worst and hate me forever and never want to be my friend again?  Or more?  Because I have no idea what lays in our future.  But I know you hurt me really deeply.  I know you didn't mean to use me, but I also know that you know how much I love you and wanted to date you, and that you kept doing those kinds of things with me regardless of being wishy washy on how you felt, and you have no explanation and no apology and I don't... I don't even know what to make of that. 

What does that mean?

Monday, July 8, 2013

i feel like i'm a horrible person
i feel like i probably deserve these things
i feel like i probably have ruined the people who loved me
i feel like i probably don't deserve love.  i have done something wrong, i don't know what it is, but i am unfixable and i am unlovable.

i want to deserve love
i want to be a good person
i try very hard to be a good person
but, at heart, i think i may be just a really terrible person who doesn't belong in anyones lives.

i am afraid that i go for the abuse because i don't know anything else
i'm afraid i deserve it

i don't think anyone will ever treat me right

i'm afraid i don't even know what right is or if i even like it

and who am i to deserve it

i try to do good things
but i think i probably made these things happen

because i am probably the worst.

Sunday, July 7, 2013


I don't know how twitter added marci buehler to my follow list.

i hate that you unfollowed me on twitter.  i don't know if its related.  i think it was probably from reading your twitter.  i'm completely bummed about it.

i don't want to never ever be friends again.   i really hate this.

i feel like its all my fault and Ive done everything wrong.

i'm the hugest idiot

real friends don't give ultimatums.

i don't deserve you either.

i just wanted you to have a reason to stop hurting me, to care about it, i guess.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

I feel really terrible and guilty and I hate that I gave you an ultimatum, and I hate that I feel like I had to do it.  I hate all of that.  I was trying to do what seemed best for both of us and it feels terrible and I feel like I've done something far worse than you've ever done.

I know you made the choice.   I know it, I know it, I know it.  And I clearly haven't given up on you, I still want to be there for you.  You chose to make me leave your life.


I'm an idiot.  I hate this.

this is the worst

I dreamed that I came to your show in awhile and you decided to kiss all the girls in New Money infront of me.  I think you saw me first.

Then I had a dream that my dad proposed an indecent relationship with me, and when I turned him down he asked if anything would ever be the same, and he said no, and I went to jump infront of a car-- and then I went to talk to him and explained how much that hurts me.  I had a healthy reaction in the end.  I may have invited it.  I don't know.

I miss you already.  Not in the way that I want to see you, and I have to talk to you-- though I would like to.  But knowing that we can't talk, we may never talk again, that hurts in my chest and aches way deeply with me.  I know you didn't want to either-- I can't believe you would choose this over stopping hurting me.

Because that's what I was asking for, you know.  I was asking "Please, stop hurting me, stop abusing me, do something about this behavior -- so we can be friends, or whatever it is that you want."  That's why I want you to figure out what's going on in your head.  You claim to care about me, so figure out in your brain why you treat me this way.  It's not 'easier' to force ourselves apart, its easier to just stop treating someone bad.  At least you have their support.  Pushing me away-- you told me, basically, that abusing me is more important to you than I actually am.  You chose laziness.

And that sucks.  You're at the age that this stuff can get set in stone.  And I'm perfectly aware that maybe I'm just terrible and you do this because of that and you never ever would with any other person ever.  But I don't believe it, because you weren't always nice to your closest friends either.

I wasn't telling you to change everything about yourself.  I like who you are.  I just don't want you to hurt me, and even if its without intention, ignoring it shows a deliberate lack of care that you -were- hurting someone.

But don't you think I've been hurt enough already?

You have, too.

I just want to care about you.

I know now I'm supposed to be focusing on me, and ignoring you, and not dealing with this at all anymore.  You made your decision, and you decided you don't want to have anything to do with me.

But I still am worried about you.

And, I suppose sadly, I still love you.  I still care so much about you.

I feel like I should've told you that I adore you but I hate some of your actions.  But it wouldn't have mattered.  You were already saying you don't care about my feelings.

You got mad at me for feeling used.  I can understand that would hurt you, and I'm happy you talked to me about it again-- the actions you do point to things that your words don't.  That's why I question you so much.  For how awful you felt with me being worried, how terrible do you think I felt feeling like the one person I trusted used me?  And has no interest in me?  And doesn't care about my feelings?  Would try to get my shirt off on a Saturday and to get sexy and within an hour say 'maybe' to another date.  Like if I behave well enough, I'll get one?

I know it was based on your anxieties and feelings-- but all the things I questioned you on I had every right to question you on.  It doesn't mean I can't trust you.  It means there are some huge gaps in communication-- you're not telling me things you say you're telling me, and I wasn't asking out of fear you'd react the way you did.

And your answer that flirting with Elyse had all but stopped.  So it had mostly stopped.  It had almost completely stopped.  There's that room for fudging there that's kind of unacceptable if you're having sex with me and grabbing my boobs.  There shouldn't be almost.  That was how it was when we were dating.  Its just leaving room for the fact that you have feelings for her that you're not willing to give up.

But you are willing to give up me.

It's so telling.  It hurts so much.  How can't you see how that would make me feel used?  Even if you do have feelings for me.  You refuse to have self awareness.

Why are you so afraid of that?

And I hate that I still miss you.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Did you use me?

KBos I am very hurt, very confused.


I don't want to believe you would use me.  I really don't.  It kills me inside.  But I have no explanation for your actions, and in the end it is using.  Unless you have something, some feelings, some explanation, some desire to make this work (which is seeming, admittedly, rather unlikely right now), it feels like you only would do things to get things-- we would go on dates, you would agree, and you would do things with me because you know I'd put out and you know you want me.  Sexually.  Only sexually.  The biggest Jeff ever, but meaner, because you know how I feel.  You know I want to be your girlfriend, and then you threw it in my face and said I would do that to you.

Everything you've done, touching my breasts, taking off my shirt, kissing me, dating me, that all means something to me.  It means, there's a connection here, there are feelings, I want to see where this goes.   But you won't man up and let it go anywhere, you say you don't even know if you want it to, you get mad at me, and you keep Elyse around.

What is with Elyse?

I feel more than ever that I was just a placeholder.  A sex placeholder until you could possibly get your hands on her.  You were keeping her romance alive, keeping me a secret, and using me in the meantime.

And now that you've been mean, and hurtful, you won't message me, you won't apologize, you won't do anything.  You know I wasn't wrong to bring up Elyse.  You know I'm not wrong to say she makes me feel uncomfortable.  At this point I have every right to say that.

So what am I to you
do you not even care about me at all?

I hate it.   I hate thinking you would do that to me.  We were friends, we were lovers-- you LOVED me once, even if you don't know, how could you do that to a person you loved?   How could you do that to a person you know has suffered so much?

Are you that selfish?  Or naive?

I genuinely don't understand.  And it's killing me.  I just want you to know what I mean to you and it feels more and more like it's nothing.  And I don't think I did anything to deserve that.  I don't think I did anything to deserve this at all.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I had a dream last night that you told Thanh that I was actually rather unappealing.  That you imagined that I thought you were rather standoffish most of the time.  And that I'm "skinny at best" as a way to describe how attractive you thought I was.

I know a lot of that is bogus, but it still hurt.  I guess because you'd be doing all this consciously knowing you find me unappealing.

I try to stay positive.  I try to give you so much benefit of the doubt.  You say you feel like you're mistreating me.  I have to say I agree.  So why don't you apologize and make good?

Are you upset about mistreating me because you care that my feelings are hurt (then apologize, and do what we both really want deep down and get back together with me and make some commitments, it'll make us both happier), or are you upset because you don't want to have to think of yourself as the type of person that would do this to someone?

If it's the second, then I guess you probably care about me a little, but not a whole lot.  Maybe it is just lust.  Maybe you don't care about me or love me at all.

You say you like talking on the phone with me.  Then do it.
You say you like cuddling with me.  Then do it.

You like SO MANY parts of being with me, things are SO different, so why not just stop sticking your toe in the pool then jumping out and actually dive in.  It doesn't mean we have to get married.  It means you have to commit and we have to try it, for reals, not this half in nonsense where you let your anxieties rule you.

That entails not pushing away (as much)
That entails not brushing me off (as much)
That entails not freaking out and saying things are over at the drop of a dime.
You won't LET yourself be happy.
You won't LET yourself have what you very (apparently to me anyway) seem to want.

Or is this just nice guy syndrome?  You don't want to hurt me?

Because you're hurting me worse by back and forthing than you ever could by dating me again and us breaking up again.

And you're hurting me worse by pushing me away emotionally than taking space for your brain out of stress.  Just because you need the weeks to yourself for E3 doesn't mean you have to be a cold turkey to me.  You can message me.  You can talk to me.  You can enjoy me.  And the only reason I think you want it so bad (as severely) is because you make it SO MESSY by letting your anxieties control you.

Sometimes I feel SO played, and I get scared that the only thing I'm good for to you is relating to Pokemon, being there when you're lonely, and most of all fucking fap material.

I'm more than that.

Recognize it and get into shape.  I adore you, I don't think you're a jerk, but what you're doing is very reminiscent of a lot of people that you look down on.  So cut it out and take me out on a date and go with this after E3 is over.

Monday, June 3, 2013

I want a hug from you very badly tonight.  I wish we could cuddle.

I am trying very hard to not say too much or guilt you.  Because, you know, I know you have stress on your plate right now.

But with all the things, I want to be with you so bad.  And I miss physical contact.  I want to cuddle more than anything.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Dammit, I really love your elephant gif.  It's my favourite so far.  You look so adorable.  I adore it.

I hope you will actually talk to me and don't shut me out of your life for two weeks.  If you do, I dunno if you deserve more dates-- I adore you,  I wanna go on them, I know you care about me, but you really can't seem to get yourself together enough to just commit to doing this and having fun.
Oy oy all this push and pull.

It makes me anxious.

I really enjoyed our date.  I want it to be the first of many.  But I admit I get anxious you pull away as soon as we have one.  You seem keen to go see a show, go see movies, have more pokemon dates-- and I know you're feeling the E3 Crisis (it's hard for me to imagine, I wish you'd just lay out what one of your days is like for me to help me out).  But it also feels like you're going to just pull away again, push me out, and then I'm going to be on the other end of your freakout.  And then you'll go back, and pull me back in and go on another date, or kiss me again, and it's this repeating pattern.

I like kissing you, and I like going on dates.  Let's just... do that.  You made the decision, just stick to it, keep us both from hurting.  We can take it slow.  Your anxiety doesn't have to win.  Your anxiety wins because you keep -not choosing-.

A date is a big deal.  We did it.  That's a huge step forward in what's been our relationship.

I want to go on more.

I want to hold your hand again.

But the push and pull has made me so inevitably anxious, I can't do it forever.  Not to this extreme.

I'm excited about you.  I like you.  I know I'm getting ahead of myself with the anxiety, but it still feels like in between your "on" periods, when you're pulling away and being distant, I become less of a person to you.

Do you really not want me to talk to you until E3 is over?


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I'll admit that I think the (physical) things I miss the most about a relationship are holding hands, little kisses, and long hugs.

Just having someone you can go to who wants to be around you is nice, too.

I want more cuddles, haha.

I hope you ask me out on another date sometime. /).(\

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

May 27th, I really liked that first date.

I'm worried you're going to swing away and we'll get no more dates, no more cuddles, again, until you swing back.  I had a lot of fun though.  I thought it was an easy thing, with boundaries, which I liked a lot.

I liked you kissing me at my car. :) That was a nice kiss.

And, of course, some of the fun when I got home.

I hope you'll ask me on another one!  I'd like to go see a movie again at some point.  I'm a little disappointed no good ones are coming out for awhile.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

KB Toys

This morning I thought about how much I wanted to be with you.  How angry I am about Elyse (I'm still afraid you're waiting for her, or that she's 'winning' over me, despite your protests).  But it still feels like you pick her over me.  Continuously.  And for what reason?  She doesn't want to do anything for you, she doesn't even seem to want to be with you.  Does she?  Does that make you feel better?

So if I randomly decided I stopped wanting to be with you, is that when you'd want to be with me again?  If I stopped caring about everything that we do, and supporting you, and going to your things.... how does she manage to give you just the right amount where you don't freak out and you remain OBSESSED with her?

You broke my heart with her.  She continues to stick around.  She messes up every chance you start to give me.  She plays a role that I don't want to deal with and I hate it.  I just want us to try a relationship without her.  I want us both to commit.  It's like improv.  If you just say yes, and you just commit, it'll make a better scene-- it'll make a better relationship.

I'm terrified, and convinced as of this morning, that you won't care if I disappear from your life.  You'd care if Elyse did.  But not me.  I could go, and you wouldn't message me to ask me how I'm doing, or what's going on in my life.  You just don't want to care (even though I think you do care).

Would you care that I stood up for myself yesterday at work?  Would you care that they asked me back for Superjail?

And you say you know me, there's nothing "new" to discover.  But do you really?

Do you know my favourite colour?
Do you know my favourite things?
Do you know the things that I really enjoy?
Do you know the things that make me smile?
Do you know what things to get me that would make me happiest?
Do you know what I would do with my spare time if I had all the spare time in the world?

Wruf.  I dunno.  You might know portions of those things, but you've been trying so hard to not pay attention to the things I care about for so long, I'm not really sure you even know who I am/who I've become.  Little glimpses.  You know I like you.  And that I'm easy going when it comes to you, and the things you do, and the way you act, and that you treat me with all of this.

I wish you would spend less time forcing distance between us, and more time trying to figure out what you really want.  Is that Elyse?  Is it completely?  Is it me?  Do you know for sure it's not?

In the meantime I'm sad without you.  I want you to come to me, I want you to talk to me, but I'm terrified of giving anyone that space because I don't think they'll come back.

They never have, and I'm probably not worth it.

And the saddest, most secret thing I thought this morning is that I don't want to live in a world where you won't give me another chance.
That thing is just a thought, a feeling though.  It's not a threat.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Here's another truth:

When I drew that drawing for you of the leaf and the caterpillar.  When I was drawing it, I thought, Kyle is the leaf.  I did actually think that.  Then I was too embarrassed to tell you, I was too afraid of letting that truth go.  Then you said it was cute, and I wish I had told you all along.

You are my leaf.  You make me feel protected.  You make me feel safe.  You make me feel stronger.

I don't want that to go away.  Please don't take that away.  I just want to be with you.  I want you to know how you feel for me, and to hold me again.  I keep thinking about us in sexy times, and it's terrible, and I start crying.  Because I want it so much, I keep thinking, that can't be the last time, that's unacceptable.

ugh.  i hate this.  i hate myself.
I'm hurting.
I feel sick.  I feel anxious.  I can't sleep.  I'm exhausted.  Physically.  Mentally.  Emotionally.

It all comes around this decision, the decision if I should lock you out of my life for awhile.  Let you draw away, let you stop caring about me.  The moment that happens I fear my heart will break completely.  I don't want to give up on you, and I don't think I ever will, not really, I'll always be willing to give you a chance.  But I don't want to date others (I'm too afraid, the desire isn't there).  I just want to see if it can work with you.

A lot of it is about safety.  You make me feel safe, emotionally.  In a way that I've never been able to feel in my life, before.  That it's okay to feel the way I feel, and you'll accept it.  What I dislike is that you're trying to change the way I feel by saying you're still discouraging me.  I don't like you trying to change the way I feel.  But I guess it's fair game.  I haven't tried to change the way you've felt, this time.  I understood it.  I told you it seems like you have some thinking you have to do-- because YOU said you don't know, YOU said maybe.  And the only real discouragement you can give me is by saying an actual no.  By not wanting me.  And instead it feels like a part of you wants that future with me, too, where we're retired together in Colorado and we hold hands on a porch swing and laugh about how stupid all this was.

Because this is stupid.

But it also makes me anxious, and sick, and feel horrible, and I don't want to never talk to you again because you make me feel safe.  And I don't want to feel completely alone in the world again.  And like clearly I'm not worth it.  And I am afraid of dating again, because I think it doesn't matter how long it is, but if someone else dates me, and breaks up with me, I won't be able to handle it.  The nail in the coffin.

I can take it from you.

I know that no matter what you and I still like each other, we still come together.  I've stated that.  You've said that seems to be true, too.  So what, in another six months you'll be in the same cycle, not saying you discourage me, wanting to rub my feet, feeling lonely and horny, and then what am I?  Am I just some lady you fuck when you feel that way, or is there more-- are you scared because of feelings you have inside of you, or what I did?

I know I have put too much pressure on this.  I do want it to work.  I care a lot about it.  That's all true.  I still want to try.  I still think you're worth it.  But I'm also terrified of anything else.

I do hate this situation.

Everyone thinks if I stop talking to you then there will be space and you can figure out what you want. I'm trying to give you space and talk to you only when you talk to me.  I went to your show, and I'm waiting for you to ask me what I thought about it, and guess which sketch is yours, because otherwise I'm not sure if you care to know.

I think you do, I'm sure you'd want to know.  You forget easily.  But also, you are trying to distance yourself from me and not care about what I think, and that hurts me terribly.  Its the last thing I want, you know, for the one person who has cared so much about me to stop caring about me.

I feel used.  I feel sick.  I feel stupid.  I feel unloved and unworthy.  I also feel like you look at me and I'm the Queen of the world-- of the jungle-- of everything.  I feel like, in your eyes, I can do anything.  And if I stuck with it, I could be with you.  But I realize you have to come to me.  It's the only way you'll know you want it.  Even if you are the one who starts cuddling, snuggling, kissing-- you START all of that.  I sit by you and try to respect your boundaries and go with your flow every time, and every time you freak out.  And every time you blame it on me.  I could not talk about your anxieties and what you're doing with me and just let you use me, but I respect myself too much to be used and then thrown away when your anxiety gets too much.

This is your stupid cycle.

But it's hurting me.

And I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I'm so happy when I'm with you.
I'm so happy when I think about being with you.

Those moments make me smile.  I love you, I love you so much.  

But in between, I need to admit and face my fear and anxiety.

I'm so tired of Elyse.  I'm so tired of her.  It's wearing me out.  We make out, and we have done more, we send photos, we talk about how much we want each other, but she looms above us, not even aware, not even paying attention, not even caring.  

I hate the idea of you sleeping with me, being intimate with me, and chasing this other girl.  I hate it.  It makes me furious, it makes me sad.  I don't know what you're really doing, I've been avoiding it, I've been too afraid to ask.  I don't want to know the answer, because I don't want to stop.  I want to win you from her, even if it's the long game.  But I'm afraid I won't.  More importantly, I'm afraid I can't.

I'm afraid that because you slept with me and think of her the next day, that you like her more.
I'm afraid that if she had been with you, if she had slept with you, you would not think about me.  You wouldn't think about me at all, that I would fade to a memory, your feelings for me would fade.

I'm afraid that if you started dating her, you would let me fade.  That you'd let me disappear.  I'm afraid that you'd let me disappear now, and the only reason there is still anything there is because I doggedly chase you.  That I don't let you forget.  That you would, you would choose that.

Then I think about all the times I've said, maybe we should.  I think about my time with Tattoos, and you were frustrated and jealous and messaged me and checked in on me.  

I am so proud of the things you do.

I ask you about how you are.

I wish you luck. 

I think of you. 

I want to see you.

Does she?
I'm sure she does.

Do you run to her, wanting to tell her about how things go, but not tell me?
Do you want to talk to her, does she not have to draw it out of you?

Are you closed off to me because of her, or because of me?

When we're in person, you tell me.  But I think of it, and you never ask me to see me in person, that's always me.

That's how you are with everyone.

But that's not how you used to be with me.  I'm not saying all the time.  We have to keep separate.  And honestly things are really confusing right now.  I want things to be right between us.

I'm afraid if we start the relationship on this note, you'll never be willing to be in it.  But I'm so happy to be doing it, I don't want to stop.  If we do this, this slow build, will you build?  Will you join me and feel for me the way I feel for you?

Or will we slowly build, and you'll do all this with me, and then one day Elyse will say 'I'm coming to LA" and then she'll take your world away from me, because it was never mine to begin with?

If she were here, would you want to hang out with her all the time?
Would you cherish time with her more than alone time? 
Would you want her to sit around and watch you play video games, just so you could be near her some extra time?

Or would you be the same as you are with me?

How much of this is because you are lonely, or because you're holding out.

Am I just for sex?

I know you have feelings for me, it's clear when we're together-- but you compartmentalize them so much, I don't know what to take away from it.  And I don't know how much of it is me wanting to see something because I love you and want you so damn much.

I want to be with you, KBos.  I want to be with you even if I gotta spend time away from you for awhile.  I want to have a slow build, I want to work out the kinks, I want to have your children and watch you parent them.  I want to do everything with you.  I dream of marrying you.

But what if all of this, all of this stuff I dream of with you, you can't imagine with me.  What if I'm just sexual release, for now, but your feelings are always stronger for her, and you imagine all that with her?

I'm scared I'm just your mistress.  Your secret mistress, that will be discarded easily when your choice has to be made.

I wouldn't fear any of this if she weren't in the picture.
I wouldn't fear any of this if you would make the choice, choose me, and work on removing your feelings from her. 

If you would make that choice at all, that real choice.  I would not think during the week that you love someone more than me, and that's why you don't want to see me.  I'd know you were busy.

I wouldn't think that because you don't tell me something, or because you don't talk to me, it's because you don't care.

If you tell her first.  If you think of her first.  If you are desperate for her approval, for her attention....

Then what are you doing with me.
You seek none of that with me.

Friday, March 15, 2013

I was yours forever before you were famous
I will be yours forever even after it fades

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Pretty miserable.

Tattoos, I liked you.  Gotta let you go.  Can't help but imagine you with Kendra or Sakari tonight, even though I know I know I know it's impossible.  Faith tells me, impossible.  Paranoia and reasonable doubt in humanity and the world tells me, eh, maybe.  My brain takes eh maybe and just gives me sad images that bother me.


Great phone conversation with KBos.  I wish it actually meant anything.  I wish he'd take any of the good things we have together and not make them into sad things.  I wish he'd appreciate me and my help, and have it actually touch him.  Instead of holding it at an arms length.

As they all do.

We're a ridiculous species.

What if love is just the strict arithmetic of convenience?

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare

i was forgotten i went on a trip and i was forgotten, and then i thought i left all my luggage there.  i made pancakes in a hotel.  i went home and i was forgotten by my parents, i got picked up by holly and left somewhere, i somehow got my bags back and got home, my parents didn't remember me, there was a little girl who fainted and rolled down the street, i got home and was angry at my parents, they forgot me, i was telling them a story, i went down to my room because i was so angry, chris was in my bed.  i was furious.  i told him to get out.  he was in bed with my little sister.

i was seeing red.  i was terrified.  i thought at that moment i was going to die.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Oh man, those weirdos are ridiculous.  Spending a mass amount of time with them is bizarre to me.  They're all such characters.  Tattoos is so californian (they all are).  They're all the typical camera-y, film-y, but not quite Hollywood, more underground... writers, smokers, drinkers.  They're bizarre.  Ohio is the sweet one who considers morels, Tattoos is the crazy, beautiful one.   I don't know what to nickname him.  Hearts?  Haha, maybe.  He's a stealer of hearts.  I don't know what to believe of them-- I don't know how much Tattoos covers up.  I want to believe everything he says, because he'd be such a character that way, but from what it sounds like with his life he probably is going to play some of it down.  I loved hanging out with them, because I want to write about them.  Its not even necessarily spending time with Tattoos (though he is an interesting person), it's hearing these weird stories and perspectives that aren't from my world at all.  They're so typical, in a way, its weird to hang out with people like that and think "I can't believe these guys exist".

Ohio seems like he might be a nicer person than Tattoos.  Or more genuine.  Anyway, that's why he gets the ladies.  I can't tell when Tattoos genuine moments are.  I hope I see some of them, because man, he's a fictional character if I ever met one.

(And he's kind of mine).

Nobody can claim someone like that.  They just have to be along for the ride and ready to jump on and off the tracks of it.

It's confusing.  I can clearly understand why my heart is still where it is.

Oh man so much to write!!!