Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Here it is another Christmas, and I'm crying. I recognize it's silly for me to be sad.  I've had a great Christmas Eve, I actually enjoyed spending time with my family.  I'm happier today than I've been in a long time.  Things are bad, things have been bad, but I'm okay.

I know I don't need you in my life.

I was thinking about our talk.  I was thinking about all the things you said-- about wanting to get over me for Elyse.  About wanting to marry her.  About how you still have unresolved feelings for me.  About getting mad at me for the whole dumb Tattoos thing.

I think about how you said that you were never really in it with me and that was unfair.  You apologized.  I thought about how I asked you if you ever imagined marrying me.  You said you had.  Then I remembered you telling me time and time again how you were going to marry someone, your fat Binghamton wife, and that we were doomed.

That's when I started crying.

I know I will most ardently love you.  I think you shouldn't rush yourself to get over anything, al lot of my ex boyfriends have taken years-- so who cares if you take one or three or five.  I know we both have to try to move on, I imagine you'll do so more successfully than I will.  Because you already have.  You already say you don't love me anymore, you already say you'd want to marry Elyse.  You haven't even dated her.

Maybe that doesn't matter.

I can't imagine marrying anyone but you.  I can't imagine saying I love you to anyone but you.  I think about all the times I have said it, all the times I've wanted to say it.  I think about when we made love and I'd say it afterwards because I felt it so deeply and truly.  I've never felt more passionately than I did for you.  I felt that from you, too, so many times.  You'd rise and ebb with it, your moodiness would drive it, but it was so strong.  It's hard for me to imagine you doing that with another.

I recognize our brains are messes currently.  I know, I know, I know we are doing the right things.  I know you were so bad for me in so many ways.  I know you've in so many ways terrified me, made me afraid to interact, scared me from people, turned me off to the world, made me feel crazier and crazier, denied truths to protect I Don't Know What.  You weren't the cause of anything, but you certainly didn't help.  I know this.  I made myself flash cards for this.  I feel again for you, again and again, and it's always there inside of me, boiling deep underneath the layers, the same parts of myself that screams "I want my mom to get better!" "I want my car back" "I want so badly to love you again and share your bed and your heart".

It's easier to distract myself from these things when I'm in LA, when I can at least interact with you to take the edge off.  When I have shadows and puppets to make me not just not feel lonely.  You chided me, you told me to face my loneliness.  But it's not loneliness.  It's the fact that I love you.  Only you.  I can't have you.  You don't want me.  You even want another.  That alone should deter me, should make me not want you anymore, that's the way it was with Brian even.  But I want you.  I want you in years and years, I want to meet up and have ourselves be together and sit on porch swings.  I want to say I love you again and for it to not hurt you, because I hate hurting you with the fact that I adore you so very much.

I want so many things and I hate that this is in my mind.  I want my mom to get better so much.  It's miserable-- last Christmas I was so sad over you, and it was my last christmas with the Mom that I knew.  I didn't even get to spend it with her.  I was too busy just being a miserable mess.  I couldn't even help it.  And now she's just a shadow-- it's nice to spend time with her, and see her, and I love her still.  But I miss the Mom that I knew.  I miss the mom that would trim the tree and work so hard and love so much and do so many things.  I wish I could have it all back.

and then, of course
there's the part of me that balks in terror at the idea

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