Friday, November 23, 2012

I guess my last post is a way of saying that I know I need to make a big long post about my feelings but I can't seem to express them.

Everything usually reminds me of heartbreak.  I want to be held, I want to be romanced, I want to find love, but I guess I don't want to commit to any of that.  I'm still in love with Kyle.  I was looking at pictures of Brian, because facebook just has them.  It has all my boys, just lined up, like so many cans to shoot at.  I never look at Brian and feel all that sad, but there is a sort of comforting way I guess he hugged me.  He knew how to hold me that made me feel safe.  But I guess I was never that safe.

I don't think Jeff did that.  Jeff romanced me without having to try too hard.  Kyle won my heart and my soul by being so much like myself and so much himself.  I don't have anything to show from it, and I know less of what I want than ever.

I doubt that anything I do is a good idea.  What's the point in having memories, anyway?

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