Friday, November 23, 2012

Sometimes when I see Tats online, I think "is he looking at my name, wondering if he should message me too?"  I imagine this must happen, sometimes.  Because we're all human and we all think of things.  I like to imagine we're two proud wolves, or some type of predatory animal.  Foxes, wolves, snakes.  We are aware of one another, we both have a desire to connect, but we're too proud to actually do it.  To make that move.

I often let my pride slip first.

Either that or he doesn't think these things.  Which would also be reasonable and acceptable, but far less poetic.

I want to write stories about him.  I want to write a novel about this chapter of my life, more than any other chapter.  I hate the other chapters, in a way, because they all end with I Want To Marry You and then the inevitable Heartbreak.  This one is exciting.  This one seems like an adventure.  If I had more words stored in my brain, ones that could link together to form sentences, structures that people would find fascinating, I would do it.  I would write a story based on my experience. But I would need more experiences.  I would want to be a journalist, covering him, solely the story of Tats.

Maybe I will.  Maybe I should.  Should I start here?  The more pageviews this post has, the more I'll be tempted.

Can you tell I'm bored?  I've read two books today, alone.
I guess my last post is a way of saying that I know I need to make a big long post about my feelings but I can't seem to express them.

Everything usually reminds me of heartbreak.  I want to be held, I want to be romanced, I want to find love, but I guess I don't want to commit to any of that.  I'm still in love with Kyle.  I was looking at pictures of Brian, because facebook just has them.  It has all my boys, just lined up, like so many cans to shoot at.  I never look at Brian and feel all that sad, but there is a sort of comforting way I guess he hugged me.  He knew how to hold me that made me feel safe.  But I guess I was never that safe.

I don't think Jeff did that.  Jeff romanced me without having to try too hard.  Kyle won my heart and my soul by being so much like myself and so much himself.  I don't have anything to show from it, and I know less of what I want than ever.

I doubt that anything I do is a good idea.  What's the point in having memories, anyway?
I don't want anything to mean anything, but I want everything to mean something.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I'm really bad at this.  And it makes me sad.

I do have conflicting feelings; I love KBos very much, he's the best.  He's concerned, he cares, he's interested, he's interesting.  I can't believe how lucky I am every day we're talking.

I like this other kid, he's interesting and fascinating. I try to give him a shot. I go for it, he seemingly tries to talk me into taking him more seriously.  I think about it, then he stops talking to me completely.  Guess this is the hot and cold affect.  I think the point is to stop caring about it.
WHICH SUCKS, because he can be pretty great.

But I'm tired of dealing with this, so it's time to just go back to being a fun person who doesn't care about either of these guys.  Right?  I wish it were that easy.  I want KBos, can't have him, want this other kid, and he's being a big baby.

Boys are babies.  Moral of this story.

If that kid gave me herpes on my lips I'm going to be soso angry.
"no one ever really dies"

i like that.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

this won't ever change.

because i love you more than i could ever promise
and you take me the way i am.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I can't ever seem to sleep.  Even when I get kept up late, and am tired, I will wake up so stupid early and I don't understand it.  The day I slept into 11 was probably just an insane fluke.

I don't know if I'm anxious? (Probably).  I shouldn't be following after this guy.  He says sweet things and is surely a great person, but I know he's not what I want a guy, and I mean, there's the whole loving KB thing.  It's just fun.  And I don't want to give up the fun.

I guess things didn't have to be.  If I could separate my feelings better and just look at this and go who cares, it's totally okay with me to be used for this thing, then it would be different.

Woof.  I don't know.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

l still love you.  Obviously.  I care os much about you, you make me feel so good.  I look forward to seeing you.

I like this guy.  He's pretty great sometimes.  But I know he's a danger.  I gotta back off.  Also I was called a prowler at my work last night and it really hurt my feelings.  I'm a flirt, and I've tested the waters because those are the only guys I know and see.  I'm not a prowler by any means.  And a lot of that was months and months ago, I gave up that behavior and returned to normal, which I'd say is the opposite of a slut or a prowler.

I probably shouldn't have been offended.  It hurt really bad, but it shouldn't have.  I was being a big baby.  Probably from the drinking.

So this guy.  I think he'd destroy me.  I should stop talking to him.  I've liked him for awhile, he's been my alternative, and I thought I liked him because I could never take him seriously and we both understood that.  I need to either actually keep that in mind or figure out what to do.  Or stop talking to him now.  That's probably my best bet.

Jeez Louise...

I hate all this because I know it wouldn't be an issue if I could just be.. with you.  My dear dear you.  You are what I want.