Saturday, October 20, 2012

I'm so frustrated with you!
I'm even a little upset.  Obviously I'm super depressed based on what you said.  I assumed your feelings were great than they were.  That said, you declaring that things went exactly like they did before is a great load of crock.

Do you remember the nights of crying in the bathroom?  Of freaking out?  Of saying I don't think I can handle you doing things?  I do.  And I don't feel that way anymore.  I'm not at all like that anymore.  I happily let you do whatever you want.  I've barely been anxious, and I'm still working on conquering my anxieties.  Nothing that has happened over the past few months has made me that anxious, up until now.  THIS makes me anxious and sad.  And I still don't blame you for it.  However, the frustration of being viewed so unjustly IS your fault.

I have a whole letter to you that I intend to give you after Dan leaves to defend myself.  I'm sure that a lot of my tone has been read wrong via our texts-- a lot of the times I've said something you've taken it anxious and I've had to say, I'm not anxious!

And what about the behavior you've shown and I've simply called you out for.  I've never been all that grumpy about it.  I just called you out on it.  And what about you saying you hate when someone tells you how you feel?  I assumed, but you never corrected me.  Once you did, I stopped saying it.  I never would tell you how you feel (except when I say you're afraid, which is merely quoting what you said).

When you didn't want to talk about my mom's letter, I dropped it.

When you didn't want to talk about so many other things, I dropped it.

The only time I've been RIDICULOUSLY anxious and upset was while you were in London with Elyse.  I knew I had no right to be, but I was upset then.  And you know what?  I dealt with it.  That was my issue, and when you got back, I was fine and I thought everything was okay.

You are right that things are turning out like how they were, but it's not because of any action I actually did, and that's the frustrating part.  I'm not pretending to be better, and I'm not trying to trick you.  I don't know where your anxieties come from, but in my eyes they're coming from phantoms that you're seeing and believing and I don't know a good way to tell you that.  And I don't mean it just for me.  I mean it because that's just not a good thing to do.  You said you gave it a shot, but if you did it was only for a couple of days, and I'm not sure what could have happened in those days to make you feel bad.  Because I was in Colorado.  You said you were over it by the time I got back.  It couldn't have had anything to do with Noah, like you claimed.  Because that all happened after I got back.

I LOVED the flirting.  And I've handled you making me so sad like a champ.  I can't tell if you're anxious about us talking because things would end so bad before, or if its something you get anxious about if ANYONE talks to you.  If its anyone, then maybe you should talk to someone.  If its me, then let's find a way to get around it already, because you're not tearing me apart every time we talk, and we still have fun when we do.  The only increasing anxiety is within you, and I honestly don't know where it stems from.  And I want to ask, and help you figure it out so you don't have that as a problem anymore, but I can't without making you anxious.

Right now I'm upset, but I'm not so upset that it's ruining my life (just stressing me out some) or ruining our friendship.  Nothing has gotten in the way of our friendship.  Nothing gets in the way of us-- can you not see how strong we are because of that?

You're being a big baby.  I guess you need more time to stew, and to go out and maybe see another girl and get something to base off of besides me.  Because, as far as I know, every girl is going to want to talk about it if you're acting like a weirdo.

And I'd like to DOUBLE note, every time I brought up your behavior, I dropped it and we continued hanging out and everything was fine.  Urf!!!!

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