Sunday, October 21, 2012

I keep having dreams about us being together.  About you saying, hey, I think I may have been wrong and overreacting, and me saying Yeah.  Kind of.  And then we're just fine, you give it a try.

I don't want to say to you "you're overreacting to your anxieties," because I've been where you are, and  while it helps me now, it didn't help me then.  Maybe the best thing for us is NOT to be together, but I don't believe that.  And even though I don't really mind right now (even though I want it so, so bad.  The only thing I want more than that is for my mom to get better), I do want to be with you someday.

I want to talk to you about your anxieties and clear them out of the way.  I've written, and rewritten and email to you defending my actions and explaining how different I am now than I was a year ago, and how frustrated I am that you're viewing my actions in a similar light.  I understand why, though.  It's hard to let those things go and see the difference-- if something makes you FEEL similar, its hard to see through that.

But I'm afraid we're going to keep cycling.  Because we have fun, and we hang out, and in a few more months we'll be having fun and seeming fine and it'll be like "Well how are we able to have so much fun" and you'll go "That's just our brains tricking us".

But right now your brain is tricking you.  You're caught up in emotion (even though you say you're seeing things clearly), and in the anxiety of the idea of getting back together and things going bad, and you're tricking yourself into seeing things that aren't there.

Am I anxious?  Right now I am.  I care a lot about what's going on.  You've been saying 'No' for months, even while flirting.  I'm not sure when you gave it a chance to see how things went.  Nothing in our interactions have changed all that much in the last few months, except when you've distanced yourself recently. That has hurt.  It causes me anxiety right now because I want it so much.  I want it to work.  But I am in control of my anxiety.  The only place it escapes me is in my dreams.  And that anxiety would have been simply solved by giving it a real try and talking about what your anxieties are (falling back into the way you felt and breaking up).

I understand that you feel that way again, and I certainly don't want to make it worse and press you.  I have fun with you, and I love how fine we can be despite it.  I figured I'd wait until after Dan left, hang out with you a few more times and have fun-- see how often you'll let me just hang out with you and see if we can get along, and then unfortunately ambush you with a real, live person talk about your anxieties.  Because if we do cycle, I don't want us to keep hurting each other.  Like you and Elyse do.  We need to get these anxieties out of the way so that if we start to cycle we can say "Now isn't the time" if it isn't, but admit openly that we still have feelings and want it to, or get together without falling into these pitfalls, or having real easy ways of getting out of them.

Things ARE different for me.  I know you hated me bossing you around and telling you what to do with your feelings, and I'm not sure what to do about that.  You have very complicated, unstable feelings, and right now they are hurting us both.  I've stabilized.  It seems you don't think they have because you're taking dumb jokes, or quick questions, and making them into giant giant things.  I can tell you a million times that I don't think you purposely ignore me and it never makes me mad, and I ask if you're busy because I don't want to be a bother or because I'm curious (depending on the day) and you'll still go crazy and think I'm feeling bad.  When I'm truly not.  Recently I have said "It seems like you stop talking completely" because you do.  You know you do.  And that's fine.  However, you should tell me the things that are bothering you so that we can work through it as friends, or as lovers, and that's been a problem for awhile.  You'd just take such offense and make such a huge deal out of it when it was just like, Okay, so it seems like if I say this you get upset, do you want me to stop?  Yes.  Okay, I'll stop saying that as much, please understand that I did not say it to hurt you.  Okay, I get that.  Moving on, then we can have fun.

You keep getting all knotted up, and I don't understand where it's coming from.  I could do absolutely nothing and not get at all upset and not say anything and you'll get upset and think something is wrong. I think you understand that's your problem, even though I trigger it.  But those are your anxieties, and I love you anyway.

And I do still want to be with you.  I want to fix this between us. :(  I want you to go to a therapist and talk to a person about how anxious you get.  You can treat the anxieties between us like you do any other anxiety-- you just push through them and then they're over.

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