Sunday, October 28, 2012

I want to use my imagination on yooou.
Man, how can we have so much fun together and you get so anxious about us.  I feel like a part of you wants to kiss me as bad as I want to kiss you-- otherwise you wouldn't be so scared of all the little touches we could do.  You're making an effort to be very strict on contact, and its to cut yourself off from those feelings but it hasn't worked before!

I runno, KB, I'm fine accepting we can't be together now-- it hurts, it sucks, but I want to be with you eventually.  I want to kiss you, rub your dandruff hair, sleep by your side, go into that one position we used to do all the time, have you touch my legs and butt, rub your feet.  I want to have the relationship that we have when we're good-- and you take the time you need to do things, and I take the time I need to do things, while just... continuing to have a good time together, and hang out, and actually make out.

I want to talk about your anxieties already.

I don't want to be over.

When I use my "imagination" I just end up thinking about how bad I want you and then I cry.  At least some of the time.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

I keep having dreams about us being together.  About you saying, hey, I think I may have been wrong and overreacting, and me saying Yeah.  Kind of.  And then we're just fine, you give it a try.

I don't want to say to you "you're overreacting to your anxieties," because I've been where you are, and  while it helps me now, it didn't help me then.  Maybe the best thing for us is NOT to be together, but I don't believe that.  And even though I don't really mind right now (even though I want it so, so bad.  The only thing I want more than that is for my mom to get better), I do want to be with you someday.

I want to talk to you about your anxieties and clear them out of the way.  I've written, and rewritten and email to you defending my actions and explaining how different I am now than I was a year ago, and how frustrated I am that you're viewing my actions in a similar light.  I understand why, though.  It's hard to let those things go and see the difference-- if something makes you FEEL similar, its hard to see through that.

But I'm afraid we're going to keep cycling.  Because we have fun, and we hang out, and in a few more months we'll be having fun and seeming fine and it'll be like "Well how are we able to have so much fun" and you'll go "That's just our brains tricking us".

But right now your brain is tricking you.  You're caught up in emotion (even though you say you're seeing things clearly), and in the anxiety of the idea of getting back together and things going bad, and you're tricking yourself into seeing things that aren't there.

Am I anxious?  Right now I am.  I care a lot about what's going on.  You've been saying 'No' for months, even while flirting.  I'm not sure when you gave it a chance to see how things went.  Nothing in our interactions have changed all that much in the last few months, except when you've distanced yourself recently. That has hurt.  It causes me anxiety right now because I want it so much.  I want it to work.  But I am in control of my anxiety.  The only place it escapes me is in my dreams.  And that anxiety would have been simply solved by giving it a real try and talking about what your anxieties are (falling back into the way you felt and breaking up).

I understand that you feel that way again, and I certainly don't want to make it worse and press you.  I have fun with you, and I love how fine we can be despite it.  I figured I'd wait until after Dan left, hang out with you a few more times and have fun-- see how often you'll let me just hang out with you and see if we can get along, and then unfortunately ambush you with a real, live person talk about your anxieties.  Because if we do cycle, I don't want us to keep hurting each other.  Like you and Elyse do.  We need to get these anxieties out of the way so that if we start to cycle we can say "Now isn't the time" if it isn't, but admit openly that we still have feelings and want it to, or get together without falling into these pitfalls, or having real easy ways of getting out of them.

Things ARE different for me.  I know you hated me bossing you around and telling you what to do with your feelings, and I'm not sure what to do about that.  You have very complicated, unstable feelings, and right now they are hurting us both.  I've stabilized.  It seems you don't think they have because you're taking dumb jokes, or quick questions, and making them into giant giant things.  I can tell you a million times that I don't think you purposely ignore me and it never makes me mad, and I ask if you're busy because I don't want to be a bother or because I'm curious (depending on the day) and you'll still go crazy and think I'm feeling bad.  When I'm truly not.  Recently I have said "It seems like you stop talking completely" because you do.  You know you do.  And that's fine.  However, you should tell me the things that are bothering you so that we can work through it as friends, or as lovers, and that's been a problem for awhile.  You'd just take such offense and make such a huge deal out of it when it was just like, Okay, so it seems like if I say this you get upset, do you want me to stop?  Yes.  Okay, I'll stop saying that as much, please understand that I did not say it to hurt you.  Okay, I get that.  Moving on, then we can have fun.

You keep getting all knotted up, and I don't understand where it's coming from.  I could do absolutely nothing and not get at all upset and not say anything and you'll get upset and think something is wrong. I think you understand that's your problem, even though I trigger it.  But those are your anxieties, and I love you anyway.

And I do still want to be with you.  I want to fix this between us. :(  I want you to go to a therapist and talk to a person about how anxious you get.  You can treat the anxieties between us like you do any other anxiety-- you just push through them and then they're over.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I'm so frustrated with you!
I'm even a little upset.  Obviously I'm super depressed based on what you said.  I assumed your feelings were great than they were.  That said, you declaring that things went exactly like they did before is a great load of crock.

Do you remember the nights of crying in the bathroom?  Of freaking out?  Of saying I don't think I can handle you doing things?  I do.  And I don't feel that way anymore.  I'm not at all like that anymore.  I happily let you do whatever you want.  I've barely been anxious, and I'm still working on conquering my anxieties.  Nothing that has happened over the past few months has made me that anxious, up until now.  THIS makes me anxious and sad.  And I still don't blame you for it.  However, the frustration of being viewed so unjustly IS your fault.

I have a whole letter to you that I intend to give you after Dan leaves to defend myself.  I'm sure that a lot of my tone has been read wrong via our texts-- a lot of the times I've said something you've taken it anxious and I've had to say, I'm not anxious!

And what about the behavior you've shown and I've simply called you out for.  I've never been all that grumpy about it.  I just called you out on it.  And what about you saying you hate when someone tells you how you feel?  I assumed, but you never corrected me.  Once you did, I stopped saying it.  I never would tell you how you feel (except when I say you're afraid, which is merely quoting what you said).

When you didn't want to talk about my mom's letter, I dropped it.

When you didn't want to talk about so many other things, I dropped it.

The only time I've been RIDICULOUSLY anxious and upset was while you were in London with Elyse.  I knew I had no right to be, but I was upset then.  And you know what?  I dealt with it.  That was my issue, and when you got back, I was fine and I thought everything was okay.

You are right that things are turning out like how they were, but it's not because of any action I actually did, and that's the frustrating part.  I'm not pretending to be better, and I'm not trying to trick you.  I don't know where your anxieties come from, but in my eyes they're coming from phantoms that you're seeing and believing and I don't know a good way to tell you that.  And I don't mean it just for me.  I mean it because that's just not a good thing to do.  You said you gave it a shot, but if you did it was only for a couple of days, and I'm not sure what could have happened in those days to make you feel bad.  Because I was in Colorado.  You said you were over it by the time I got back.  It couldn't have had anything to do with Noah, like you claimed.  Because that all happened after I got back.

I LOVED the flirting.  And I've handled you making me so sad like a champ.  I can't tell if you're anxious about us talking because things would end so bad before, or if its something you get anxious about if ANYONE talks to you.  If its anyone, then maybe you should talk to someone.  If its me, then let's find a way to get around it already, because you're not tearing me apart every time we talk, and we still have fun when we do.  The only increasing anxiety is within you, and I honestly don't know where it stems from.  And I want to ask, and help you figure it out so you don't have that as a problem anymore, but I can't without making you anxious.

Right now I'm upset, but I'm not so upset that it's ruining my life (just stressing me out some) or ruining our friendship.  Nothing has gotten in the way of our friendship.  Nothing gets in the way of us-- can you not see how strong we are because of that?

You're being a big baby.  I guess you need more time to stew, and to go out and maybe see another girl and get something to base off of besides me.  Because, as far as I know, every girl is going to want to talk about it if you're acting like a weirdo.

And I'd like to DOUBLE note, every time I brought up your behavior, I dropped it and we continued hanging out and everything was fine.  Urf!!!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Every time I see you you do such fantastic things that it drives me crazy.  You are singly the sweetest man I've ever met in my life.  I adore you so completely.  I wish a thousand million times you'd give me another chance.  I don't want to smother you with how much I love you, I want to play it cool.  I don't know what to do, if I should stop telling you how great you've been, or stop talking to you, or what.  But I treat you like I'd treat a friend that is as nice to me as you are-- I don't exceed friendship levels, though I find you very attractive.

I don't know what to do.  But that doesn't stop me from loving you.

Do you love me?  It's something I really want to know.  I think you do.  But I wish you'd tell me if you didn't.  Honestly.  And not just to save me.

Not that it'd change much.

You're the best thing that's ever come my way.  I wish I could be with you so much.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Running into you last night was a major shock and surprise.  I really like seeing you, I always do, but it was weirder (you know how much I love surprises).  But hanging out with you and your friends is awesome, even if it's unintended.  I'm scared you hate it.  But I love seeing you.  I love the little expressions you do.  The way you act and react.  I love your quirks.

I love you when you're happy, or sad, or angry.  There are times that you're certainly easier to get along with, but I love you no matter what.

I can't tell if you're loving me any less, or not.  I still feel like you love me.  That even when you're cold, and in an uncomfortable situation, and trying to not feel that way about me, you still love me underneath it all.

And what I wouldn't give to be able to kiss you again.  To run my fingers through your hair.  To lay next to you and laugh at jokes, our legs intertwined.  You are my most cherished friend, confidant, and I can't seem to stop loving you.

A part of me is sad about the rose bowl.  That was both a great day, and a weird one.  But I loved going with you.  I remember there being grumpiness, but lots of romance between us.  Will you remember that?  Will it make you sad?  Do you even care anymore?

Remember our times fondly.  I want new ones, I want so many new ones with you, for the rest of my life.   But we have to remember what we have and laugh at the dumb things that were bad at the time.  We were overdramatic, and you're still my heart.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Alright.  I love love love you.  Even nights that I try to make other plans so I can move on from you, I'm still thinking about you in the end.


I want to just be able to come over Saturday mornings and watch Pokemon and snuggle up to you and give each other massages and kisses.  Why can't that be our life?

You're my heart.  Let it beat.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

This is the first time I've ever messaged you about my mom and you just didn't respond all night.  Not even something to tell me you fell asleep.

What's going on?  We stopped having fun and sending pictures because you were getting weird, but now you're being weird again.  What's your issue?

I'm not mad at you for it, I'm just disappointed-- and worried.  I don't want anything to be wrong, I want to talk to you about my mom.  If you can't handle it that night, why not just tell me?  Why the whole silent treatment?

I don't want to message you right now about it because I know it's the Giant's game and you don't wanna deal with anything and they cause you so much anxiety, and I respect that.  So I'll talk to you later, before gamestop, but I truly don't understand this sudden weirdness and mom talk ignoring.  Is it going in circles too much for you?  It is for me too-- but you're the last person I ever expected to give up talking to me about it.

The truth is I'm terrified of mom dying.  Especially when I'm not around.  There's so much going on, and they never call, and they won't talk to me and tell me what's going on.  It's frustrating.  I'm back to being frustrated here, even though being out there was hard on me and ruined parts of me again.

That dumb story I read was talking about how this woman's dad had brain cancer, how he got more irritable before it was the end.  I'm afraid that it's the end, for mom, even though everything looks fine.

And as for you-- I know I flirt and tease, but that's never bothered you before.  I don't see how I could've made you upset.  So I honestly don't understand what happened.  Did you mean to get back to me, and you forgot?

it really bums me out.  You're my best friend, of course I forgive you.  I still love you.  But I don't like this feeling.

Friday, October 5, 2012

People bore me and I love you.

I want to send you photos of my legs and things so much.  It's really frustrating.  It's so hard for me to stop, but it seems so easy for you.

What's that about.

I don't think I was wrong about you liking me.  Hanging out last night was so great-- and the way you look at me is so tender.  You always have fun with me.

I'm still 98% certain you still love me.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Oh my gosh.  I'm so depressed.  I don't feel like I have any reason to be, but I'm so depressed right now.

i admit i don't like waking up, because in my dreams we kiss and you're giving us a chance.

I still think it's inevitable.  My only evidence is that this has kept happening for MONTHS, despite you saying nom we shouldn't.  I don't know what makes you more serious now-- because our relationship with each other is fine.  We're great, even when you say no and tell me you don't think it's inevitable.  We still have fun and enjoy each other.

YOU have fun with me.  YOU like me.  I recognize these things.  I don't know where the idea that I'll make you depressed is, except based on erroneous old information.  I was a mess before.  We seem to understand each other so well now that I can't count it.

I don't know what to do because I don't want anybody but you, ever, you are the one.  And I want to be with you.  I like you so much, you are so fun, and so great, and so considerate, and so sexy, and the way you treat me is so fantastic-- even when you're grumpy.

I can only continue hoping.  I'm sorry I'm so pushy, I don't want to push you.  I'll give you all the time you need, but I hope you'll eventually come around, and we can kiss, and you'll wrap me in your arms, and leg massages, and I can send you dirty pictures while you're on vacation.

I truly want our relationship to be what it is now (or right before I left), hanging out when we can, giving each other whatever space we need because we have events or our own mental problems, watching shows, playing games, having a good time-- and then adding in kissing, touching, handsiness,  and allowing us to love one another.  I would never do this if I didn't think we could make it work.