Wednesday, September 26, 2012

you're right, this is very hard.

I'm not sure what's going on with you.  You would normally explain all your actions, tell me you were busy, tell me you were feeling this or that.  I feel very closed off from you.  I suspect you're trying to close off, but it does bum me out because you're my bestie and  I don't want our friendship to be fucked up because you're a weirdo about legs and how you feel about me.

We would both be happier if you just relaxed and went with how you felt-- then you wouldn't hold it all in and explode in these weird things and box yourself into a corner.  I know its not really time that you would have gotten to work, and maybe you'll text me and let me know what's going on.  You usually do.  I'm trying very hard to have faith in this, but it feels much like before.  I'm glad this is happening because it's going to test me, and I think that's very important-- if we can make it through your weirdness right now (this is the worst of you), then I think that's great.  It is hard on me.  It would be less hard on me if I were working and had other things going on, but since I have so much free time it's really hard on me right now.  I want to talk to you about the important things going on to me, but even though I know you care a lot, you're hiding behind not caring and not engaging.

I know you'll come back.  You love me, and you want to help me.  I'm fairly sure of these things as facts.  Heck, I'd venture to say even that you like talking to me and hearing from me.

You're just grumpy, and emotional, and that's not my fault and there's nothing I can do about it.  I want to be with you, despite this stuff, because for all the bad you show right now there's so so so so much good, and I know you care so so so so much.

I want to text you and tell you, hey, if you didn't want me to talk to you right now, or anymore, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?  Or if you can't handle it.  
Then I'd want to ask, well, when you get time, I'd really like to talk to you about some of my stuff, we're still on for it when you can relax a little, right?

You couldn't relax last night, and monday night your brain was a mess and we ended up flirting.
I know you get confused and mixed up.

I just wanna hang out with you.  Can we please hang out and just watch Outlaw Star already?

I can't say that this isn't hard, but I think being with you is worth it.  Getting over this hump you go through-- I feel like once we've handled it, we know we got it, and it'll be out of the way.

I do miss working and therapy and things that can distract me, though.

And you at least telling me whats going on.

I love you, KB.

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