Sunday, September 23, 2012

KB,

I'm gonna be posting a lot, I think.  I'm okay with waiting.  I know I am.  The things that I feel unsure about aren't my feelings for you; they're strong.  I'm ready.  I want to be by your side and support you and have fun with you.  This doesn't mean I don't' want my own life-- I do, very badly.  And I will continue to have it.  But I know you're the one who I want to share it with.  Your depression doesn't balk me.  I don't mind it.  Your negativity is something I can shrug off.  I often tell myself you're just being negative and get over it.  Even now, with your consistent no and it'll never work, it never feels like that's the case so I continue on.  I admit it's difficult -- I don't want to push you if YOU don't want it.  And I don't mean in the way that you don't want to get hurt and are scared, but if you did not want me, truly, I think I'd not push as hard.  But you do want me.  At least, you seem to.  And that's what I'm not sure about.  I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing for you-- even if it's the right thing for me.

I will love you endlessly.  I do.  Speaking to you lifts me up.  I would love to sit beside you, hold your hand, kiss you, make you cookies, watch your shows, come home to you.  I want to do these things very badly.  You are my best friend, first and foremost, and I never want to change that.  And I don't think it will.  Our bond has only grown stronger.  You're dismissive because you're scared.  And while I don't want you to be depressed, I won't let that be the balker.  I know you want to be with me, truly in your heart, and I am here for it.

I don't feel like I can love anyone else.  I just want to be with you.  I don't feel punished.  I am happy to do it.

You are truly an amazing person.  I am so looking forward to attempting again.  I think it's just a matter of time.  And I'm fairly convinced this time it'll work.

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