Friday, September 14, 2012

It hurts sometimes.  Randomly.  When I think you might be mad.  Or when I recognize that I probably don't have a chance.

I don't know why you flirt with me.  Why you joke and tease, and enjoy my photos.  I love talking to you.  I love it when you aren't being cold with me-- because I know you adore me.  Sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it's your life and you're closed off and I don't care.  I know you'll open up again.  I can't tell if it's because you don't like things about me, or if you're afraid and distancing, or what.  But it hurts sometimes, because it's been you for me.  I'm terrified, a part of me is, that I'll never have another chance with you.  That all of this is just leading me closer and closer to the edge of another heartbreak that you're safe from.  I don't think you're toying with me, but sometimes it feels like it might be.  Like you're pulling me closer, that you want it, but then you just let it fly out-- you'll say things like I'll see you're in a relationship.  I want to be with you.  Maybe you will date someone, but I want so badly to be with you.  Ever since we started dating you've been the one for me.  I can't get you out of my brain.  I've tried so hard to move on-- and I honestly thought that there was no way we could date again.  Sometimes I still feel that way, because you're rough around the edges, and you can be mean.  But you haven't really been-- you get cold and it hurts me.  But you have a lot going on.  You're not great at letting me know what it is, but I understand most of the time that it isn't me.

I don't know how you feel about me coming home.  I don't know if you'll see me again, or if our flirting pictures and fun will be over.  I have no idea.  I don't want it to be.  I really thought that it wouldn't work, but you've been so great this year and I felt so very, very lucky when you started to cuddle with me again.  I felt like this was it, this was my chance.  This was my chance to make things right and be with the man that I love so much.  I truly do.  I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but you.  I think it'll be you or singlehood, and so far it's being single.

I'd rather spend it with you.  I really think I would.  But if I can't have you I don't think anyone else can fill your shoes.  I love you SO much.  So ridiculously much.  I think you're fantastic.  I can be a little over zealous at times, I know that, but I dont plan to hang onto you every moment.

It breaks my heart, though, when I think that I'll get back, you'll be distant, and I'll never get a chance.  That you'll never give us another chance to try, now that I don't have to deal with the effects of PTSD every day.  Life is so much better for me now, and I largely have you to thank, you've helped me every step of the way and I can't imagine a life without you.

You said that love is a mix of dependency and affection, and I can't explain my desire for being with you any better than that.  I depend on you, I trust you, I adore you.

I love you.

No comments:

Post a Comment