Sunday, September 30, 2012

This is sort of in continuum.

I love that I get your secrets.  I love that you're my best friend.

I'm so terrified that you don't want to just... hang out with me.  I'm scared our texts went way too far last night (I really enjoyed it, but I want to spend time with you in person, my friend.)

I'm mostly all talk.  I couldn't just sleep with you.

I love you far to much for that.
You're the weirdest!
Last night was amazing.  You blow my mind, you drive me wild, but then the next day you get distant and give me short answers and sentences.  Its probably just a hatred for texting and being distracted by other things.

As long as it's nothing to do with you and me, I don't care.  As long as you're not frustrated with me and taking it out on me, or distancing yourself, or whatever.  And even if you are, I'll get over it, and we'll move on because we always do.

Right now I'm really frustrated from waiting to play Blands, and for getting short answers from you, and not getting to chit chat.  And that we can't watch anything together, because I honestly do just wanna hang out.


Friday, September 28, 2012

It is SO fun to hang out with you.  I can't stress enough how much I actually enjoy it.

You look pretty cool in your sunglasses.

I'm so happy!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

you're right, this is very hard.

I'm not sure what's going on with you.  You would normally explain all your actions, tell me you were busy, tell me you were feeling this or that.  I feel very closed off from you.  I suspect you're trying to close off, but it does bum me out because you're my bestie and  I don't want our friendship to be fucked up because you're a weirdo about legs and how you feel about me.

We would both be happier if you just relaxed and went with how you felt-- then you wouldn't hold it all in and explode in these weird things and box yourself into a corner.  I know its not really time that you would have gotten to work, and maybe you'll text me and let me know what's going on.  You usually do.  I'm trying very hard to have faith in this, but it feels much like before.  I'm glad this is happening because it's going to test me, and I think that's very important-- if we can make it through your weirdness right now (this is the worst of you), then I think that's great.  It is hard on me.  It would be less hard on me if I were working and had other things going on, but since I have so much free time it's really hard on me right now.  I want to talk to you about the important things going on to me, but even though I know you care a lot, you're hiding behind not caring and not engaging.

I know you'll come back.  You love me, and you want to help me.  I'm fairly sure of these things as facts.  Heck, I'd venture to say even that you like talking to me and hearing from me.

You're just grumpy, and emotional, and that's not my fault and there's nothing I can do about it.  I want to be with you, despite this stuff, because for all the bad you show right now there's so so so so much good, and I know you care so so so so much.

I want to text you and tell you, hey, if you didn't want me to talk to you right now, or anymore, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?  Or if you can't handle it.  
Then I'd want to ask, well, when you get time, I'd really like to talk to you about some of my stuff, we're still on for it when you can relax a little, right?

You couldn't relax last night, and monday night your brain was a mess and we ended up flirting.
I know you get confused and mixed up.

I just wanna hang out with you.  Can we please hang out and just watch Outlaw Star already?

I can't say that this isn't hard, but I think being with you is worth it.  Getting over this hump you go through-- I feel like once we've handled it, we know we got it, and it'll be out of the way.

I do miss working and therapy and things that can distract me, though.

And you at least telling me whats going on.

I love you, KB.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

KB,

I'm gonna be posting a lot, I think.  I'm okay with waiting.  I know I am.  The things that I feel unsure about aren't my feelings for you; they're strong.  I'm ready.  I want to be by your side and support you and have fun with you.  This doesn't mean I don't' want my own life-- I do, very badly.  And I will continue to have it.  But I know you're the one who I want to share it with.  Your depression doesn't balk me.  I don't mind it.  Your negativity is something I can shrug off.  I often tell myself you're just being negative and get over it.  Even now, with your consistent no and it'll never work, it never feels like that's the case so I continue on.  I admit it's difficult -- I don't want to push you if YOU don't want it.  And I don't mean in the way that you don't want to get hurt and are scared, but if you did not want me, truly, I think I'd not push as hard.  But you do want me.  At least, you seem to.  And that's what I'm not sure about.  I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing for you-- even if it's the right thing for me.

I will love you endlessly.  I do.  Speaking to you lifts me up.  I would love to sit beside you, hold your hand, kiss you, make you cookies, watch your shows, come home to you.  I want to do these things very badly.  You are my best friend, first and foremost, and I never want to change that.  And I don't think it will.  Our bond has only grown stronger.  You're dismissive because you're scared.  And while I don't want you to be depressed, I won't let that be the balker.  I know you want to be with me, truly in your heart, and I am here for it.

I don't feel like I can love anyone else.  I just want to be with you.  I don't feel punished.  I am happy to do it.

You are truly an amazing person.  I am so looking forward to attempting again.  I think it's just a matter of time.  And I'm fairly convinced this time it'll work.
Stop self sabotaging.

You're making your own future a sad one.

Just relax.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Look

You're very confusing.  You're very confused.  I get this.

I love you.  I will still love you.  I won't stop loving you.  Every day I love you.  It hurts endlessly to think we won't be together and we won't get another chance.  But I don't believe it, frankly.  You're afraid of shadows, and that's fine, but I'm going to stick around and be the light and show you it's okay to be afraid, but that you don't need to be.

I can't fix your depression.  But I am here for you.  I love you so much, all of you, and even though I can't lie to you and say that this doesn't hurt, it is frustrating, I still think you're the greatest and it's not a big enough deal to not stick by your side.

I adore you, KB, take your time.  I'll be here.
This bed is so good.

i love you
hope you like your cookie

Friday, September 14, 2012

It hurts sometimes.  Randomly.  When I think you might be mad.  Or when I recognize that I probably don't have a chance.

I don't know why you flirt with me.  Why you joke and tease, and enjoy my photos.  I love talking to you.  I love it when you aren't being cold with me-- because I know you adore me.  Sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it's your life and you're closed off and I don't care.  I know you'll open up again.  I can't tell if it's because you don't like things about me, or if you're afraid and distancing, or what.  But it hurts sometimes, because it's been you for me.  I'm terrified, a part of me is, that I'll never have another chance with you.  That all of this is just leading me closer and closer to the edge of another heartbreak that you're safe from.  I don't think you're toying with me, but sometimes it feels like it might be.  Like you're pulling me closer, that you want it, but then you just let it fly out-- you'll say things like I'll see you're in a relationship.  I want to be with you.  Maybe you will date someone, but I want so badly to be with you.  Ever since we started dating you've been the one for me.  I can't get you out of my brain.  I've tried so hard to move on-- and I honestly thought that there was no way we could date again.  Sometimes I still feel that way, because you're rough around the edges, and you can be mean.  But you haven't really been-- you get cold and it hurts me.  But you have a lot going on.  You're not great at letting me know what it is, but I understand most of the time that it isn't me.

I don't know how you feel about me coming home.  I don't know if you'll see me again, or if our flirting pictures and fun will be over.  I have no idea.  I don't want it to be.  I really thought that it wouldn't work, but you've been so great this year and I felt so very, very lucky when you started to cuddle with me again.  I felt like this was it, this was my chance.  This was my chance to make things right and be with the man that I love so much.  I truly do.  I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but you.  I think it'll be you or singlehood, and so far it's being single.

I'd rather spend it with you.  I really think I would.  But if I can't have you I don't think anyone else can fill your shoes.  I love you SO much.  So ridiculously much.  I think you're fantastic.  I can be a little over zealous at times, I know that, but I dont plan to hang onto you every moment.

It breaks my heart, though, when I think that I'll get back, you'll be distant, and I'll never get a chance.  That you'll never give us another chance to try, now that I don't have to deal with the effects of PTSD every day.  Life is so much better for me now, and I largely have you to thank, you've helped me every step of the way and I can't imagine a life without you.

You said that love is a mix of dependency and affection, and I can't explain my desire for being with you any better than that.  I depend on you, I trust you, I adore you.

I love you.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Hey

So I really appreciate when you say nice things.  I'm trying not to be paranoid-- but I genuinely get the feeling lately that you don't wanna talk to me.  I know I'm sort of out of wack here lately, it's been a long time, and you are talking less.... but I honestly can't tell.

I don't want to lose you.  I'm afraid of it.  I think I already have. I don't get your weird behavior and it's hurting me.  I just want it to be over.

You're avoiding telling me how you're feeling, avoiding telling me the truth, being distant and weird, and then saying nothing is wrong, and it's all very familiar.  I don't want it to be.  But I guess this shows that it's probably a bad idea.  I'm okay with however you want to be, and what you're feeling, but when I don't understand it and am just trying to be friendly and you don't even want to talk to me I don't know what to do.  You're my best friend.

I should just assume that everything will be okay.  I'll be back in LA soon and you'll stop being short with me.

I guess I don't understand if you're trying to distance yourself, or mad at me.  And why you're doing it.  Everything was going so great, so why just stop short?  The flirting was fun, I wasn't pressuring you, you were excited (though probably also nervous).  I love talking to you, I don't want it to stop.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Why are you being so weird?

The last thing I want is to lose you because of any of this.  you're my best friend, first.  Anything else is secondary and not necessary.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Gee Wizz, I don't understand what's going on with you.
Are you just thinking about things?  You ask me questions I feel I should be honest to, you said you'll think about it, and then you get all cold to me during regular conversation.

It's just Zelda and pokemon.  It's just video games.  It doesn't seem like you to be so weird about video game talk, but here you are, being a real weirdo.

I imagine you are, in fact, busy at work.  But it doesn't seem like you to ignore texts at night-- you don't usually do that.  I don't know the last time you ignored one of my texts like that was.

Before we broke up, I think.  You've eventually responded to all others.  And I guess that's what I don't get.

Are you upset with me?  And if so, why don't you just tell me.

I can guess; you don't really know the way you really feel, and as you're working through it you still want to talk to me and stuff, but it makes it hard. You don't want to give me false hope, etc etc.

Things really are different with me now.  I kind of feel like it's you dragging behind and staying the same.  I don't mind this, because it always ends, but it is getting frustrating.  I don't want any of this to affect our super awesome friendship.  And if we started dating, which I know is unlikely, I wouldn't want you to immediately close off and stop having fun with our conversations because of it.

Just have fun.  There's nothing going on that's wrong.

But I can understand the anxiety.  You know I can.