Friday, August 31, 2012

I did what you said and it feels weird and confrontational and I hate it!

Aacchhh, I hate confrontation so much.  I'd rather just let everything go.

But you.  You I adore.
Sometimes I wake up and I think about how much I wish I could just tell you I love you.  I know it should wait until I get back.  I know I'm over thinking it a little.  But I do love you, and I know you know that, but it feels so weird that we flirt, we talk every day, we're so much like a relationship and you then say you're not sure about one, you never think one will happen.  It seems too ridiculous to believe.

And I wonder, sometimes still, what role Elyse still plays.  Have you given up on her now that she's rejected you again?  Why did Thanh tell her an altered version of what I told him?  Was he trying to cause trouble?  He said he'd keep it between us.

And I didn't even say that.  I was wishing you the best.  But now that it didn't happen, I'm interested in at some point making a claim again.  She had her chance, and I think I did the right thing by stepping aside and encouraging it as best I could.  I do want you to be happy and to do the right thing by you.  I know you wanted her, at least physically.  I guess I'm scared that you'll still have that, even with me, and since every time you get closer to it... you'll just never want me.  And if you see her again in person, it'll mess your brain up, even if we're together.

I guess I'd have to just be patient with it.  But I'm not sure that's fair to me.  I'm not sure that says "I love you".

It's fine when we're not dating, obviously... but I guess I'd be a little lost about what to do when we are.  I have some mental guidelines, I think.  Calmer ones.

But I probably should face what's likely the truth; you're flirting with me because you're lonely and sexually frustrated, you think I'm hot still.  You're too afraid to ever date me again, and chances are you don't love me anymore.  You might even have stronger feelings for someone else, possibly Elyse, possibly another person, than you do for me.  And I'm just causing turbulence by still having feelings for you.

I'm just trying to be true to myself.  I love you.  And as long as there's a chance I guess that's what I have to go on.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

hey, hey you

what's going on?  you got all silent.  is it just a rough week?
it totally is okay if it is, but you need to tell me if i'm doing something that's bothering you.
i'm trying really hard to not ask and to not press you-- because honestly, I don't want to do that anymore.  I like it when you come to me.  I can't tell if my playfulness has really pushed you away.  I can't tell what's going on with you.

I know you have a lot of writing, you're probably real stressed.  You had to pack tonight.

I'm sure it's fine, but I do care about you.  A lot (obviously).

If you push me away a million times I'll still be here for you when you come back.  So no worries.  It would be nice to know that you're okay though and you just need some space or whatnot.
I'm sure you'll tell me in your own time.

Not looking forward to not having you around to talk to, but I think it'll be just fine.

Monday, August 27, 2012

I know I can't tell you fully how much I appreciate you.

I don't know how accurate what you tell me is-- I don't know how much you feel that I don't know.  I don't like making you feel bad, in any way, but I can't say I'm not glad for some confusion.  I adore you, I love you, I want you.  I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you.  Your compassion, your confidence, your attitude.  The way that you look at and handle life is so amazing and true that I think it's really, really honorable.

I know you cant be perfect all the time.  I'm sure you lie occasionally to yourself, to others, to me.  I'm sure even that you don't mean to lie, but sometimes you hide things you don't want to confront, or don't want to admit.  From the entire world.  You're human, and we all do that.  I still think you're one of the most true-hearted, noble people I've ever met.

And I'm really lucky.  I'm really lucky to have met you.  I'm really lucky to have been able to date you. I'm really extraordinarily lucky to still have the fortune of you being my best friend.  That you care about me when I'm in trouble, that you worry about my well being.  People haven't often done that.  Not to the degree that you do.  And I really appreciate it.  And I really admire how much you care about other people too.  Even though you say you're a robot and you don't.  I know you're reclusive, but you still care for people so much.  You may not be willing to help them move, or with all their problems, but if someone needs you, you worry about them and you try to help.  And in a really true, honest way, while being honest to yourself.

I think that's rare.  You're a rare man, and I love you.

Not a lot of people have ever told me that they're sorry for what I've been through.  I think it's hard to address.  It means a lot to me when someone recognizes it-- even if you are only addressing my current issues.  I don't want constant recognition, or necessarily any at all.  But when it comes, I admit, it's the most gratifying feeling, I feel more accepted than I can explain.  I feel like someone cares, someone's listened, someone knows and understands and doesn't want to change how it was, but can just look at it and appreciate, yeah, all that was bad.

It's not that bad anymore.  I know life is still rough, there are a lot of things happening, and mom's thing is horrible.  Of course it hurts, it's been a scary year.  But I'm really happy to say that I can handle things a lot better, and that this year doesn't feel as bad as it could.

I hate that you had to be a huge part of that.  I think I have you to thank for a lot of it.  If I hadn't loved you so much, I don't know if I would have sought help, realized my condition, and worked on controlling it.

I hate that you got blindsided and... I can't think of the word.  But you became a victim of what was going on with me.  You came in at the roughest time of my mental history and were there for the explosion.  I'm sure you played a role.  But I'm grateful for it.

You've truly made me a better person.

I do wish, mostly because of how we've interacted lately, that I could try again with you now that I'm in control.  I feel like our relationship was destroyed by a lot of negative things of a year, and isn't indicative of either of us.  I love talking to you, I don't ever want to stop.  I love being with you. I  love the sound of your voice, and your jokes.  I know some of those things will fade, some will start to annoy me.  I'm sure of it-- but I can't imagine a life I'd rather want than spending it with my best friend. I want to be there for you, finally, and I know a lot of that right now is just letting you figure things out on your own.

So I'm glad for your confusion, as much as I hate disrupting your mind.  Because confusing means considering.  Not knowing how to interpret your feelings means you're wondering if it would work, you're not being close minded.  And it might.  And I want the chance, I want us both to have the chance.

I can't wait to see you.  I can't wait to peek over the iron gate through the bars and see you come around the corner and give me your funny smile because I'm on my tiptoes holding onto a fence.  I can't wait to laugh with you.

Even if we never get to be lovers again.  I love you.  I'm so happy you're my best friend.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Sometimes I wish I could just tell you how much I love you and want to really spend the rest of my life with you.

I'm certain you know, and that it really barely dents your intolerance of the idea of us being together.  But when I think of the future I see you, me, video games, and a whole lot of love.

I'll admit that this feeling is stronger after any Zelda game.  There are serious tears.  And I want to crawl into your arms and curl against you, happy that this is what my life will be.

It's my most precious dream.  I'll support you endlessly.

Friday, August 10, 2012

I did something really stupid.

I looked back at our first conversation about our first kiss.


Kyle.
I'm completely sorry.
I'm sorry I ever kept anything from you.
I'm sorry for flirting with other people at the beginning of our relationship.
I'm sorry for reading your emails, and lying to you about it.


I love you, I never stopped loving you, and I've fucked up a lot.  I know we both have.
You're it, for me.  You really are.  And I wish I could fix it all.

That first kiss was like fire to me.  And every kiss thereafter.  Every time you touch me it's electric, and it ignites within me.  I don't want to be with anyone but you, and I wish I could get you to open back up to me.  That we could open up to each other without fear.

I regret what I've done.

I've done a disservice to you that I can never fix, and it'd probably be best for me to just disappear from your life.  It makes me cry, I'm literally crying right now because of it.

I know we both did damage.  We both stopped trusting one another.  It's really hard.
I don't know what to do, because I don't know how we could start again and I love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

I really liked our silly conversation last night.  Yesterday ended up being a good day.
I really hope you figure things out soon, for your sake... but I will admit, also for mine.  I know your strange feelings will pass.  I don't think they'd stick around as long for her, but I guess I'd like to know what you think they mean for me.  How do they affect me?

I know you don't want to consider us out of fear, but I think that we have a really good chance.  At least, I think that, until you go for a week to London and come back with weird feelings.  Were you more sad that you didn't get to be with Elyse than you not getting to be with me?  Or is it that you're far more used to not feeling that with me?  Or is it that your confliction lays in that you must not really feel something for me if you allow yourself to miss another person?

If we were to date again, would you be willing to avoid those conflicts?  Would you want to keep yourself out of situations where you would return with weird feelings?  I think it'd be frustrating to date you and you start having all sorts of weird feelings about other girls.

Would you?

I feel like you'd be loyal.  I understand I have to let you be free, and vice versa.  We were both a little overbearing last time.  We need to grow up and relax a little-- and I'm doing a good job so far.

But honestly, I can't tell what you feel for me at all.

I'm not sure you can either.

But I love you.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I feel like a fool.

I'm in love with you.  All the support you've leant me over this year has been much appreciated.  You're my best friend and I love and adore you so much.  I appreciate you so much.

It hurts me to see you go through the run around with this other girl.  It hurts to think you care for her more than me-- that you would drop everything for her, but you wouldn't consider such a thing for me. I know, to you, I'm second fiddle.  I see no reason for that to be the case.  I know I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty good, and I know I treat you pretty great.

I can't change your feelings.  I don't think there's anything more I can do than what I'm doing to get to the place in your heart that she seems to be at.  I'm glad you're not waiting for her.  I'm glad she offers you some sort of comfort.  That bracelet makes me sad, because I truly doubt I'll be able to provide that for you.

I wrote you letters while you were gone because I missed you so absolutely.  I was crazy for you.  And I was terrified to send you any of them, because of the fear of rejection.  I feel like our relationship is different now than it was before you left, and that saddens me.

I was a fool for letting myself tap back into how much I love you.  I knew I did, before, but I wasn't allowing myself to really feel it.  How crazy I am about you.  But now I allowed it, and it hurts because it feels like I am the only one feeling any of these feelings.  You seem more at ease to brush it off.

I can't tell if that's true, because you message me daily.  You seem anxious to talk to me too.  But you don't seem as crazy about it.  How do you really feel about me, Kyle?

Anyway.  I probably should back away.  I want you to be here for me, because this is the hardest time of my life.  I want to be there with you. I want to stand by your side, and I don't want to give up... and I don't know what the right thing is.

But I'm afraid if I keep going it'll hurt worse and worse.  That it'll become more acutely visible that you don't love me.  That perhaps you never did.  It kept feeling like you did, but now..
Maybe you love her.
Or at least not me.  Maybe you can't love me.

But oh, how I love you, with all my heart, with the tears I'm shedding now.  How I adore you.  How it frustrates me what you're going through.  How much I wish I could be there for you, and how much it frustrates me just how helpless I am.  And how little I seem to be able to do for you.

I feel like a fool.  A hopeless fool.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Oh my God, it's almost over.

This terrible, torturing week.  It's almost over.  I feel faint thinking about it.  I know I've survived it well, but now that it's drawing to a close I can't tell if its worse or not.  Its the worst to not hear from him.  I feel lame, dependent, things I don't want to feel, things I don't normally feel.  It's the fear of losing him to her; I know that.  I worry I intruded too much on their dumb trip (that'd be ridiculous, it was only words with friends and a dumb email).

I'm afraid they slept together, and that it meant something to him.  That it meant she's the one.  More than me.  I hate that idea-- and I worry it might be true.  When I think about how she talks, about how he talks, it's too similar.  That's a key sign of attraction.  I know she likes him, but how much?  How much is it worth it to both of them?

What will happen when he gets back from London?
What will happen when I get back to LA?

What will happen when she, eventually, returns from London?

Will you wait that long for her, my confused dear?  Would you want to?  I'm right here, and perhaps that takes all the excitement out of it.  Maybe you only wanted me because I was leaving.

Does she care that you talk to me as much as you do?

I don't understand how I could care so much about this.  Why it feels like I'm drowning, underneath the unending swells and breaks of this ocean we've created.  Are you the moon, changing the tide, making me feel my highs and lows?  I don't want to look to you to know how to feel.  I look to myself, but I would be lying to say that you don't affect me.  That your shine, you support, keeps me in rhythm.

This year, I felt, had me more determined than ever that I knew you were the one for me.  It's a terrible disappointment to have to deal with this girl, this awful girl who lives so far away and keeps you dragging through the marshes.

I've been writing you letters, and someday I'll publish them here.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Dear Brain, please stop.  Please?  Please stop.

Hey readers.  Tell me how stupid I am.