Thursday, July 19, 2012

I don't understand why I'm so much more anxious.  I don't understand why I can't sleep.  I was enjoying myself so much-- so what happened?

Was it the entrance of her into the equation?  I guess before I felt like I was really likely to have a chance.  You seemed so happy.  If it had just kept going like that, I think we both have a chance to truly be happy.

But how am I to know that you wouldn't be more happy with her.  And that's what I truly want for you.  I want you to have the best end result possible.  I hope that it's with me.  I believe that it's with me.  I think that you and I compliment each other very well.

I know I put my foot in my mouth, I say a lot of stupid things.  I get nervous easy.  I really hope your friend liked me, and I'm sorry I misspoke in front of your cousin.  The things I said were because I love you.  I got carried away reciting things that I adore about the guy I know, and what he would do in a situation.  I adore your laugh, the way you handle yourself, the way you move.

I know everyone sees it.  I know I'm not the only one.  There IS something about you.  

I want to be a larger part of it.  I want to curl up in your arms again, and I hope I didn't mess anything up.  I know you didn't want to create more anxiety for me, and I don't want you to feel bad.  I -am- more anxious, but I don't understand why I should be.  I feel good every time we talk.  I feel a little sad when we interact the way we did last night (no hugs, nothing, but you had a friend there... and one who talks to Her.  You had your top guard on.)

I don't really care if they do like me.  I still think that you and I are good together.  That I care about you.  That I can bring you happiness and vice versa.  

But I know you care so much about her.  I know you do.  I hope, for you, that it doesn't hurt you.  I want you.  I know you want me too.  I hope that isn't too confusing.

Do you see all the weird thoughts that are going through my head?  Why is it like this, for me?

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