Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Calming down a little.

It still makes me so sad.  I'm mad at myself for putting myself in this situation, and I feel sick.
I can't believe I let myself go through heartbreak again.  At least I have more to be angry about this time.  These things happen.

I've been writing to you every day.  Not only here, in weird ways, excerpts on how I feel... but things about mom.  Updates.  What I want to talk about.  I guess you're my journal now.  I can't tell how crazy that is.

I haven't stopped loving you.  I dislike this situation.  But you give me hope when you play words with friends at 2 AM London time.  I can't imagine that you'd go from sexual activity with her to playing games with me.  Or go from anything with me to sexual activity with her.  Maybe your brain can handle that-- I don't think mine can.

Or maybe you're far over me.  But it didn't seem like it.
But if that were all the case, why would you let me think that you were going there for that.  Did you truly not know, and it's not happening?  Or did you truly not know, and it is, and you're over it, or you're not, or you don't care...

I wish I could know.  But I also know I'm too scared to know.

I'm so sad.  I'll cry myself to sleep.  I can't wait to get over this again.

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