Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Calming down a little.

It still makes me so sad.  I'm mad at myself for putting myself in this situation, and I feel sick.
I can't believe I let myself go through heartbreak again.  At least I have more to be angry about this time.  These things happen.

I've been writing to you every day.  Not only here, in weird ways, excerpts on how I feel... but things about mom.  Updates.  What I want to talk about.  I guess you're my journal now.  I can't tell how crazy that is.

I haven't stopped loving you.  I dislike this situation.  But you give me hope when you play words with friends at 2 AM London time.  I can't imagine that you'd go from sexual activity with her to playing games with me.  Or go from anything with me to sexual activity with her.  Maybe your brain can handle that-- I don't think mine can.

Or maybe you're far over me.  But it didn't seem like it.
But if that were all the case, why would you let me think that you were going there for that.  Did you truly not know, and it's not happening?  Or did you truly not know, and it is, and you're over it, or you're not, or you don't care...

I wish I could know.  But I also know I'm too scared to know.

I'm so sad.  I'll cry myself to sleep.  I can't wait to get over this again.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

I can't believe how depressed this makes me.

What do I do when you get back?
Do I ask you?  Do I ask you what you've done?  Do I ignore it?

Do I try to move on?
If you got back together with me would this always be in the back of your head?  Would it be considered an indiscretion?  Would you do it again?
Would you feel like you could break up with me just to have sex with another girl?

No... I don't think that is in your character.  I'm afraid, though, because you treat her and I in a way so outside your normal character that it's ridiculous.  If you went out of your skin for a few minutes and were talking to a friend, I feel like you would be so mad at that friend.

Don't cuddle with your ex girlfriend if you're trying to get a new one!
Especially if she's already going through a lot.
What are you thinking?

My only answer is that I have this all wrong and you have no intentions on Elyse.  If that were the case, why wouldn't you just say so?

Or are you just so confused that you honestly have no idea?

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I'm going to have to play video games all week just to stop thinking about this.  Why did I do this to myself.  I'm a fool.
I didn't think I would feel this anxious about it, I know you haven't even landed in London yet.  I know you'll be safe-- dealing with this a week on my own will be hard, but I'm going to have to do it.

But thinking about you kissing on,
snuggling with
holding hands with
leaning your head against
inappropriately touching
falling in love
with her.
It's harder than I thought.  I kept telling myself, this is temporary.  He needs to feel this out on his own.
Now I am thinking about it and wondering-- why would you snuggle with me, you know the way I feel, you knew what it did to me.  I make it perfectly clear.  Why would you do that, then run off knowingly to her to do the same things?

Is that in your character?
I can't tell.

And if not, why wouldn't you just tell me.  I would have believed you if you had said that it wasn't the case at all.  By this point, I would have believed you.  But since you allude to it, since you said you're allowed to do those things, I assumed.  I hate assuming, but I don't have a lot to go on.

I understand why this is uncomfortable, but being honest with me doesn't have to be.

"She and I are feeling out an emotional and physical relationship, but I am not sure it'll go anywhere."

That's all it would have taken.
Or

"I've been letting you think this because I didn't think you would listen to me if I told you otherwise."

Give me a chance to.

I thought I could handle this, but I don't know if I can after all.
I may have to just stop talking to you.  I need you, I love you, but if you are in love with another woman... if I'm just your backburner.... I'm not sure I could handle that.
Is that why you told me not to count on it?  Because you were so close to having something else?

I wish you would just be clear, and precise.  I don't understand why you feel like you have to give me the run around.

It makes your character confusing and stains it.

Friday, July 27, 2012

I'm glad we talked today.  Of course I'm nervous about your trip to London.  I am scared that she'll be your girlfriend, that there will be no future for us.
It's very, very hard to think of you being with another girl.  It's very hard to be okay with it.  There will probably be a point where I'll have to back off, like you once did, but I'll let you know.  I'm trying to be cool with it and give you the time you need.

I can't tell what you're thinking in regards to this.  I don't understand why you're such a mess about it.  I guess it upsets you so much that you refuse to think about it, but I hope that you figure everything out eventually.  I don't like how long you're torturing yourself liking two girls.  Just pick one.  It'll be easier on you.

I guess it might be hard, considering how far she lives away.

But I do love you.  I hope we end up together, but in the end I just want to see you happy.

Good luck, my love.  I'll miss you.

Please don't torture me for too long.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I was so surprised that you called me.
It was actually a really rough day.  I thought we'd exchange stories via the internet, but actually getting to talk to you meant a lot to me.  I don't want us to have to call each other every day (though it's nice to chat and text every now and then), but I liked that occasion.

I haven't wanted to tell you this, but with mom the way she is, it's been hard not to revisit the things that matter to me, what I want-- it's hard to not want to make a move, to make myself as happy as I feel I could be.  I am looking forward to being able to do something with us-- I truly believe we could be happy together.  I think it's worth trying again.  I don't want to put all my hope in it, of course, but I feel so truly that I would love to spend the rest of my life with you.  I wish my mom could see that.  I wish she could see us find happiness (with one another?).  I want to be able to have someone, like you, to be there for me continuously.  You have been there for me so much through this rough time, you've been fantastic.  I love you so much, and it's hard to differentiate-- which is you being a caring friend, which is you being more.  Loving me more.

I feel like you love me.

I know that I love you.

And being your best friend is one of the best feelings I've ever had.  It makes me so happy to be there for you, to hear your stories.  I hope that I can continue being that for you.  Regardless of what happens.  Even if you end up with her.

I can't say enough how much I appreciate you, how much I admire you, and how much you've helped me.  You are, truly, the wind beneath my wings, and I'm happy to have ever met you.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Alright, now I'm states away from you.
I hope we don't stop talking.
I hope that you don't go to her.  Our exit was so nice, it was so soft, it had so much promise... now that I'm here, I know, I know I can't count on it being there when I return, but I want it to be.

I want to be with you.  I know this to be fact.
Please don't stop socializing with me now.

Are you going to less, this week, because I'm gone?
Because you're sad I'm gone?
Because you're stressed about London?
Because you're going to see her?

Are these going to be factors?  Will our last night together, tightly embraced, change anything for you when you see her?
These are all things I wonder.

I wonder how much on your radar I actually am.  Once you have me, you don't seem to want me as much.  But when you don't, you seem to crave me.


I will miss you.  I'll need you still to help me through this.  But I can live without you.

Yet, I still yearn to kiss you.

Monday, July 23, 2012

I wish we could have kissed.

But even without it, being held by you that was was the perfect exist.  I'll dream of your kisses.  I hope that we can have them when I return.

I love you.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

You sure?  You sure you don't wanna crawl into bed with me?

You sure you don't wanna think harder about giving this some more time?  You sure you don't want my fingers running through your hair.  Your fingers, running along my spine, on my back, over my shoulders... down my hips...

I'm sure I do.

I want to pet your back and you hair every night we can.  I don't mind taking nights off.  I don't mind if we need space.  But this relationship between us now is already so good-- I can see when you close off.

Do you feel guilty?  Do you feel bad, because you're building a flame with her?

I want to run my fingers over your sides, across your stomach, over your neck.  I want to lay kisses over your shoulder, up your jaw, against your lips.  I want to pull myself against you.  Are you sure you don't want to grip me around my waist, my shoulders, and hold one another and build one another up again?  We're doing better than we ever did.  I'm certain it could work.

Right now, there's only three things that stand in our way.

Fear
Your (possible) desire for her.
My trip.

Just think about it, my dearest.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I love you so much.

Everything you do makes me in awe of the person you are.
I feel like a fool, but I am in fact, foolish for you.

Even if my heart hurts that you're going to another.  That you wish to give her your affection... I love you, continuously, with every breath, with every word we speak to one another.  I live my life, separate, interacting, wishing.  It's lousy, it's pathetic, but try as I might you keep pulling me in.  You are the only one I can imagine spending my life with.  It's hard to believe you might feel another way.  It's hard to believe some other lady might be the one you love.

Do you?  Do you love her?
I don't understand why I'm so much more anxious.  I don't understand why I can't sleep.  I was enjoying myself so much-- so what happened?

Was it the entrance of her into the equation?  I guess before I felt like I was really likely to have a chance.  You seemed so happy.  If it had just kept going like that, I think we both have a chance to truly be happy.

But how am I to know that you wouldn't be more happy with her.  And that's what I truly want for you.  I want you to have the best end result possible.  I hope that it's with me.  I believe that it's with me.  I think that you and I compliment each other very well.

I know I put my foot in my mouth, I say a lot of stupid things.  I get nervous easy.  I really hope your friend liked me, and I'm sorry I misspoke in front of your cousin.  The things I said were because I love you.  I got carried away reciting things that I adore about the guy I know, and what he would do in a situation.  I adore your laugh, the way you handle yourself, the way you move.

I know everyone sees it.  I know I'm not the only one.  There IS something about you.  

I want to be a larger part of it.  I want to curl up in your arms again, and I hope I didn't mess anything up.  I know you didn't want to create more anxiety for me, and I don't want you to feel bad.  I -am- more anxious, but I don't understand why I should be.  I feel good every time we talk.  I feel a little sad when we interact the way we did last night (no hugs, nothing, but you had a friend there... and one who talks to Her.  You had your top guard on.)

I don't really care if they do like me.  I still think that you and I are good together.  That I care about you.  That I can bring you happiness and vice versa.  

But I know you care so much about her.  I know you do.  I hope, for you, that it doesn't hurt you.  I want you.  I know you want me too.  I hope that isn't too confusing.

Do you see all the weird thoughts that are going through my head?  Why is it like this, for me?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I think I hate that you left our conversation the way you did.  It makes me kind of sick.
This is a red flag, I suppose.

I adore you, still, I adore what we've been.  But I can't tell if we're on the same wavelength.  What makes it the wrong time for you, is it the same reasons I stated?  Or is it her?

I don't want to be the other woman.

Don't tell me that she doesn't like having her feet touched.  It just makes me wonder what she does want you to touch, what you are touching.  It's not fair.

I don't want to overlap her.  And I want you to be done with her when you come back to me.  I know you're interested in her, I think it's great to get it out of your system.  I don't feel she's a real threat.  I feel she's temporary.  But it still bums me out.

I want that electricity back and all I feel is stomach sick.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Alright, my dear.
This has to likely draw to a close.  I'm leaving Sunday, and last night your foot massage took me to heaven.  However, I want to stay with you.  I don't like being called just a friend (is that what I am?).  And I can't help but wonder if you're going to London as just friends or as a little bit more interest in there... are you about to have a week with her, like you are having with me? 

My gut instinct is to say you're not.  You wouldn't have started up cuddles with me if you were going to go to her and do the same.  However, I wonder if these cuddles are going anywhere for you.  I think they mean something to you, because you look like it, but I can't tell if we're taking it slow or if you're sort of just using me to feel better but still looking elsewhere.

I'm not.  I'm not using you.  I stopped all activity the moment you touched me again.  I want to escalate this.  I want to lay in your bed with you.  I want to kiss you.  I obviously want more, but I can wait until I return for that.  Will you let me?  May we make this something again?  So far it's been great, and the few anxieties I have are easily relieved.

I adore you so much that I am not sure how to bring it up, because I honestly don't want these things to stop.  I just want to feel it out.  But being made to leave last night brought tears to my eyes.  I was so tired, and I just wanted to lay next to you, but I didn't want to push it.  You said I wasn't being pushy.

Please, let's just be together.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Hair pets.  Awesome.
Your foot massages make me feel electric.  I want to curl in close to you.  I'm starting to get anxious it will all disappear-- I know I'm getting too attached.

I keep having dreams that you have a  girlfriend and we're doing this.  Or that you tell me that I shouldn't expect anything out of it.
I know I shouldn't.  But I guess I've begin to hope it.  Even when you're moody, I may not know what to do, but I adore being around you.

I still want to kiss you.  I want you to smile and hold me, the way you do.  I know you've got a stressful week and I'm happy to do my own thing and see you the days that I will.  I know we probably shouldn't act as much like boyfriend and girlfriend while we're around your friends.  But I think I want that to be the case.

There are some things I can't answer.  What about me leaving?  How will that affect it?  Will things be the same when I come back?  I hope so-- or more.  Two months is kind of a long time.  But not long enough for me to get over you.  It hasn't been.

What about London?  Are you going to slip into similar behavior with her?  I guess if you do it doesn't matter.  You don't owe me anything.  I'm not sure you would, I feel like you're a pretty one lady kind of guy.  And I was under the impression you don't even like her that way anymore.  But we haven't spoken of it.  I feel like it's not my place.

I like all that we're doing.  I do.  I really want to keep with it.  I want to lean against you, I want to kiss you, but are we pushing it too far?

I can handle any of the sadness again.  It'd be worth it.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

you touched me again.
we snuggled.  i kept asking if it was okay.  you eventually put you arm around me.  i was trying to be good.  even though i was making fun of you.  of this funny situation we're in.

I don't want you to be sad.

Oh, but I can't describe how it felt when you were scratching my back.  I want to kiss you.  I want to kiss you so bad I feel it in my fingertips when I type this.  I think of the way your arm felt around me, on the way your hand felt touching mine.  I think of how good your body feels against me when we hug.

I can't believe how dreamy you make me.  I'm so glad that we still snuggled.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I don't want to end the cuddles.  I liked the snuggles.  I don't like that you're more distant to me now.  Oh how a couple days changes things!

I don't want to put a lot of stock in it.  I think I'll get you back.  I just want to explore it and let it go where it wants to go, take your brain out of it!

Why are you making such big decisions on what ifs?  You hate what ifs.

All I know is that I get your depression, I know the worst of you, and you still make me giddily happy. You make me want to laugh.  You make me want to curl up to you.  When my brain is fried you don't mind.  When I show up late, you stopped caring.  You're being cool as a cucumber, and I don't mind that we spend days apart because I know I'll see you again.  You're taking away some of that confidence, giving me a little anxiety.

Are we exploring this?

I hope so.

Because I really really want to spend the rest of my life playing video games with you.

Monday, July 9, 2012

I'm on cloud 9.

To feel your hands on me is so good.  Having your leg pressed up against mine fills me with excitement.  I was nearly trembling when we were cuddling.  I'm afraid of keeping this up, because I'm not sure how much I can tolerate before I want more of you.

So much more.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

You're torturing me, huh.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

i had a dream where we kissed.
i want that kiss so, so bad.  but i am okay without it.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

You are just the light of my life.  You are fantastic, you are so much fun I can't even explain it.

Having my arm against yours is electricity.  I know I should back away.  I'm telling myself its more a sign that you're over it than we should should start it again, but man, I just feel so great to be with you I hardly care.  I love you.  I love you, I love you, I love you, with every fiber of myself, and everything I do in the meantime is to just keep me from not aching so much that I cannot be with you.

Someday, maybe, with any luck, we can hold each other again and it'll be the most excruciatingly fantastic thing.