Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Friday, May 11, 2012

I don't know what's worse.

The idea that I may have seen it coming, or the idea of you being with her, or her being here, or meeting her, or the idea that we're not even friends and now things are going to be all weird.

I'm in the grumpiest of grumpy moods.
I'm a mess.  Always.  I'm trying to just live.  I'm falling into whatever pit this is.  I can't claw my way out.

There's a stone in my chest.

I'm anxious.  I'm sad.  I'm miserable. I'm scared.  I'm never happy.

I'm lost.

Why does this bother me so much.  It's what I expected, from the beginning.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

I'm a mess.

It's just the worst.  I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't want to see friends.  I can't tolerate people.  I get snappy.  I'm shutting down.  What do I do once I'm so sad that I don't care about anything anymore?  Does that happen?  Or does it go away?

I miss you so, so much.  It's ridiculous.  I hate myself for it.  I hate myself because I know I can't have you.  I hate myself for being this weak.  I hate myself for playing with others because of mixed feelings of loyalty and of wanting to just break it up in my head already.

I can't seem to finish it.  I can't.  You're the person I want to be with.  I'm distracting myself, and distracting myself, and I'm so terrified you're going to move on without me, because they all have.  And I'm so terrified that you're sad, and terribly off, and I can't help.  Or I can.  And I'm terrified to tell you just how much I want to be with you every single day.

I just want you to try to figure out how to help yourself first.  Then I want to come in, I want to say I want to be there, I'm trying to do the best thing for you.  It's so hard to wake up every morning, and to go to sleep every night.

I feel empty.  I feel briefly excited by stupid tattoos.  I feel easily distracted by things that I know won't last because I don't actually care about them.

also i cut my finger and now its bleeding.  boo.