Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Here it is another Christmas, and I'm crying. I recognize it's silly for me to be sad.  I've had a great Christmas Eve, I actually enjoyed spending time with my family.  I'm happier today than I've been in a long time.  Things are bad, things have been bad, but I'm okay.

I know I don't need you in my life.

I was thinking about our talk.  I was thinking about all the things you said-- about wanting to get over me for Elyse.  About wanting to marry her.  About how you still have unresolved feelings for me.  About getting mad at me for the whole dumb Tattoos thing.

I think about how you said that you were never really in it with me and that was unfair.  You apologized.  I thought about how I asked you if you ever imagined marrying me.  You said you had.  Then I remembered you telling me time and time again how you were going to marry someone, your fat Binghamton wife, and that we were doomed.

That's when I started crying.

I know I will most ardently love you.  I think you shouldn't rush yourself to get over anything, al lot of my ex boyfriends have taken years-- so who cares if you take one or three or five.  I know we both have to try to move on, I imagine you'll do so more successfully than I will.  Because you already have.  You already say you don't love me anymore, you already say you'd want to marry Elyse.  You haven't even dated her.

Maybe that doesn't matter.

I can't imagine marrying anyone but you.  I can't imagine saying I love you to anyone but you.  I think about all the times I have said it, all the times I've wanted to say it.  I think about when we made love and I'd say it afterwards because I felt it so deeply and truly.  I've never felt more passionately than I did for you.  I felt that from you, too, so many times.  You'd rise and ebb with it, your moodiness would drive it, but it was so strong.  It's hard for me to imagine you doing that with another.

I recognize our brains are messes currently.  I know, I know, I know we are doing the right things.  I know you were so bad for me in so many ways.  I know you've in so many ways terrified me, made me afraid to interact, scared me from people, turned me off to the world, made me feel crazier and crazier, denied truths to protect I Don't Know What.  You weren't the cause of anything, but you certainly didn't help.  I know this.  I made myself flash cards for this.  I feel again for you, again and again, and it's always there inside of me, boiling deep underneath the layers, the same parts of myself that screams "I want my mom to get better!" "I want my car back" "I want so badly to love you again and share your bed and your heart".

It's easier to distract myself from these things when I'm in LA, when I can at least interact with you to take the edge off.  When I have shadows and puppets to make me not just not feel lonely.  You chided me, you told me to face my loneliness.  But it's not loneliness.  It's the fact that I love you.  Only you.  I can't have you.  You don't want me.  You even want another.  That alone should deter me, should make me not want you anymore, that's the way it was with Brian even.  But I want you.  I want you in years and years, I want to meet up and have ourselves be together and sit on porch swings.  I want to say I love you again and for it to not hurt you, because I hate hurting you with the fact that I adore you so very much.

I want so many things and I hate that this is in my mind.  I want my mom to get better so much.  It's miserable-- last Christmas I was so sad over you, and it was my last christmas with the Mom that I knew.  I didn't even get to spend it with her.  I was too busy just being a miserable mess.  I couldn't even help it.  And now she's just a shadow-- it's nice to spend time with her, and see her, and I love her still.  But I miss the Mom that I knew.  I miss the mom that would trim the tree and work so hard and love so much and do so many things.  I wish I could have it all back.






and then, of course
there's the part of me that balks in terror at the idea

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I still love you.
So, so much.

It's cruel because I'm sort of seeing someone.  I'll never love him.  I know this.

You're in my heart, now and forever.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Sometimes when I see Tats online, I think "is he looking at my name, wondering if he should message me too?"  I imagine this must happen, sometimes.  Because we're all human and we all think of things.  I like to imagine we're two proud wolves, or some type of predatory animal.  Foxes, wolves, snakes.  We are aware of one another, we both have a desire to connect, but we're too proud to actually do it.  To make that move.

I often let my pride slip first.

Either that or he doesn't think these things.  Which would also be reasonable and acceptable, but far less poetic.

I want to write stories about him.  I want to write a novel about this chapter of my life, more than any other chapter.  I hate the other chapters, in a way, because they all end with I Want To Marry You and then the inevitable Heartbreak.  This one is exciting.  This one seems like an adventure.  If I had more words stored in my brain, ones that could link together to form sentences, structures that people would find fascinating, I would do it.  I would write a story based on my experience. But I would need more experiences.  I would want to be a journalist, covering him, solely the story of Tats.

Maybe I will.  Maybe I should.  Should I start here?  The more pageviews this post has, the more I'll be tempted.


Can you tell I'm bored?  I've read two books today, alone.
I guess my last post is a way of saying that I know I need to make a big long post about my feelings but I can't seem to express them.

Everything usually reminds me of heartbreak.  I want to be held, I want to be romanced, I want to find love, but I guess I don't want to commit to any of that.  I'm still in love with Kyle.  I was looking at pictures of Brian, because facebook just has them.  It has all my boys, just lined up, like so many cans to shoot at.  I never look at Brian and feel all that sad, but there is a sort of comforting way I guess he hugged me.  He knew how to hold me that made me feel safe.  But I guess I was never that safe.

I don't think Jeff did that.  Jeff romanced me without having to try too hard.  Kyle won my heart and my soul by being so much like myself and so much himself.  I don't have anything to show from it, and I know less of what I want than ever.

I doubt that anything I do is a good idea.  What's the point in having memories, anyway?
I don't want anything to mean anything, but I want everything to mean something.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I'm really bad at this.  And it makes me sad.

I do have conflicting feelings; I love KBos very much, he's the best.  He's concerned, he cares, he's interested, he's interesting.  I can't believe how lucky I am every day we're talking.

I like this other kid, he's interesting and fascinating. I try to give him a shot. I go for it, he seemingly tries to talk me into taking him more seriously.  I think about it, then he stops talking to me completely.  Guess this is the hot and cold affect.  I think the point is to stop caring about it.
WHICH SUCKS, because he can be pretty great.

But I'm tired of dealing with this, so it's time to just go back to being a fun person who doesn't care about either of these guys.  Right?  I wish it were that easy.  I want KBos, can't have him, want this other kid, and he's being a big baby.

Boys are babies.  Moral of this story.

If that kid gave me herpes on my lips I'm going to be soso angry.
"no one ever really dies"

i like that.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

this won't ever change.

because i love you more than i could ever promise
and you take me the way i am.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I can't ever seem to sleep.  Even when I get kept up late, and am tired, I will wake up so stupid early and I don't understand it.  The day I slept into 11 was probably just an insane fluke.

I don't know if I'm anxious? (Probably).  I shouldn't be following after this guy.  He says sweet things and is surely a great person, but I know he's not what I want a guy, and I mean, there's the whole loving KB thing.  It's just fun.  And I don't want to give up the fun.

I guess things didn't have to be.  If I could separate my feelings better and just look at this and go who cares, it's totally okay with me to be used for this thing, then it would be different.

Woof.  I don't know.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

l still love you.  Obviously.  I care os much about you, you make me feel so good.  I look forward to seeing you.

I like this guy.  He's pretty great sometimes.  But I know he's a danger.  I gotta back off.  Also I was called a prowler at my work last night and it really hurt my feelings.  I'm a flirt, and I've tested the waters because those are the only guys I know and see.  I'm not a prowler by any means.  And a lot of that was months and months ago, I gave up that behavior and returned to normal, which I'd say is the opposite of a slut or a prowler.

I probably shouldn't have been offended.  It hurt really bad, but it shouldn't have.  I was being a big baby.  Probably from the drinking.

So this guy.  I think he'd destroy me.  I should stop talking to him.  I've liked him for awhile, he's been my alternative, and I thought I liked him because I could never take him seriously and we both understood that.  I need to either actually keep that in mind or figure out what to do.  Or stop talking to him now.  That's probably my best bet.

Jeez Louise...

I hate all this because I know it wouldn't be an issue if I could just be.. with you.  My dear dear you.  You are what I want.

Alas.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

I want to use my imagination on yooou.
Man, how can we have so much fun together and you get so anxious about us.  I feel like a part of you wants to kiss me as bad as I want to kiss you-- otherwise you wouldn't be so scared of all the little touches we could do.  You're making an effort to be very strict on contact, and its to cut yourself off from those feelings but it hasn't worked before!

I runno, KB, I'm fine accepting we can't be together now-- it hurts, it sucks, but I want to be with you eventually.  I want to kiss you, rub your dandruff hair, sleep by your side, go into that one position we used to do all the time, have you touch my legs and butt, rub your feet.  I want to have the relationship that we have when we're good-- and you take the time you need to do things, and I take the time I need to do things, while just... continuing to have a good time together, and hang out, and actually make out.

I want to talk about your anxieties already.

I don't want to be over.

When I use my "imagination" I just end up thinking about how bad I want you and then I cry.  At least some of the time.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

I keep having dreams about us being together.  About you saying, hey, I think I may have been wrong and overreacting, and me saying Yeah.  Kind of.  And then we're just fine, you give it a try.

I don't want to say to you "you're overreacting to your anxieties," because I've been where you are, and  while it helps me now, it didn't help me then.  Maybe the best thing for us is NOT to be together, but I don't believe that.  And even though I don't really mind right now (even though I want it so, so bad.  The only thing I want more than that is for my mom to get better), I do want to be with you someday.

I want to talk to you about your anxieties and clear them out of the way.  I've written, and rewritten and email to you defending my actions and explaining how different I am now than I was a year ago, and how frustrated I am that you're viewing my actions in a similar light.  I understand why, though.  It's hard to let those things go and see the difference-- if something makes you FEEL similar, its hard to see through that.

But I'm afraid we're going to keep cycling.  Because we have fun, and we hang out, and in a few more months we'll be having fun and seeming fine and it'll be like "Well how are we able to have so much fun" and you'll go "That's just our brains tricking us".

But right now your brain is tricking you.  You're caught up in emotion (even though you say you're seeing things clearly), and in the anxiety of the idea of getting back together and things going bad, and you're tricking yourself into seeing things that aren't there.

Am I anxious?  Right now I am.  I care a lot about what's going on.  You've been saying 'No' for months, even while flirting.  I'm not sure when you gave it a chance to see how things went.  Nothing in our interactions have changed all that much in the last few months, except when you've distanced yourself recently. That has hurt.  It causes me anxiety right now because I want it so much.  I want it to work.  But I am in control of my anxiety.  The only place it escapes me is in my dreams.  And that anxiety would have been simply solved by giving it a real try and talking about what your anxieties are (falling back into the way you felt and breaking up).

I understand that you feel that way again, and I certainly don't want to make it worse and press you.  I have fun with you, and I love how fine we can be despite it.  I figured I'd wait until after Dan left, hang out with you a few more times and have fun-- see how often you'll let me just hang out with you and see if we can get along, and then unfortunately ambush you with a real, live person talk about your anxieties.  Because if we do cycle, I don't want us to keep hurting each other.  Like you and Elyse do.  We need to get these anxieties out of the way so that if we start to cycle we can say "Now isn't the time" if it isn't, but admit openly that we still have feelings and want it to, or get together without falling into these pitfalls, or having real easy ways of getting out of them.

Things ARE different for me.  I know you hated me bossing you around and telling you what to do with your feelings, and I'm not sure what to do about that.  You have very complicated, unstable feelings, and right now they are hurting us both.  I've stabilized.  It seems you don't think they have because you're taking dumb jokes, or quick questions, and making them into giant giant things.  I can tell you a million times that I don't think you purposely ignore me and it never makes me mad, and I ask if you're busy because I don't want to be a bother or because I'm curious (depending on the day) and you'll still go crazy and think I'm feeling bad.  When I'm truly not.  Recently I have said "It seems like you stop talking completely" because you do.  You know you do.  And that's fine.  However, you should tell me the things that are bothering you so that we can work through it as friends, or as lovers, and that's been a problem for awhile.  You'd just take such offense and make such a huge deal out of it when it was just like, Okay, so it seems like if I say this you get upset, do you want me to stop?  Yes.  Okay, I'll stop saying that as much, please understand that I did not say it to hurt you.  Okay, I get that.  Moving on, then we can have fun.

You keep getting all knotted up, and I don't understand where it's coming from.  I could do absolutely nothing and not get at all upset and not say anything and you'll get upset and think something is wrong. I think you understand that's your problem, even though I trigger it.  But those are your anxieties, and I love you anyway.

And I do still want to be with you.  I want to fix this between us. :(  I want you to go to a therapist and talk to a person about how anxious you get.  You can treat the anxieties between us like you do any other anxiety-- you just push through them and then they're over.


Saturday, October 20, 2012

I'm so frustrated with you!
I'm even a little upset.  Obviously I'm super depressed based on what you said.  I assumed your feelings were great than they were.  That said, you declaring that things went exactly like they did before is a great load of crock.

Do you remember the nights of crying in the bathroom?  Of freaking out?  Of saying I don't think I can handle you doing things?  I do.  And I don't feel that way anymore.  I'm not at all like that anymore.  I happily let you do whatever you want.  I've barely been anxious, and I'm still working on conquering my anxieties.  Nothing that has happened over the past few months has made me that anxious, up until now.  THIS makes me anxious and sad.  And I still don't blame you for it.  However, the frustration of being viewed so unjustly IS your fault.

I have a whole letter to you that I intend to give you after Dan leaves to defend myself.  I'm sure that a lot of my tone has been read wrong via our texts-- a lot of the times I've said something you've taken it anxious and I've had to say, I'm not anxious!

And what about the behavior you've shown and I've simply called you out for.  I've never been all that grumpy about it.  I just called you out on it.  And what about you saying you hate when someone tells you how you feel?  I assumed, but you never corrected me.  Once you did, I stopped saying it.  I never would tell you how you feel (except when I say you're afraid, which is merely quoting what you said).

When you didn't want to talk about my mom's letter, I dropped it.

When you didn't want to talk about so many other things, I dropped it.

The only time I've been RIDICULOUSLY anxious and upset was while you were in London with Elyse.  I knew I had no right to be, but I was upset then.  And you know what?  I dealt with it.  That was my issue, and when you got back, I was fine and I thought everything was okay.

You are right that things are turning out like how they were, but it's not because of any action I actually did, and that's the frustrating part.  I'm not pretending to be better, and I'm not trying to trick you.  I don't know where your anxieties come from, but in my eyes they're coming from phantoms that you're seeing and believing and I don't know a good way to tell you that.  And I don't mean it just for me.  I mean it because that's just not a good thing to do.  You said you gave it a shot, but if you did it was only for a couple of days, and I'm not sure what could have happened in those days to make you feel bad.  Because I was in Colorado.  You said you were over it by the time I got back.  It couldn't have had anything to do with Noah, like you claimed.  Because that all happened after I got back.

I LOVED the flirting.  And I've handled you making me so sad like a champ.  I can't tell if you're anxious about us talking because things would end so bad before, or if its something you get anxious about if ANYONE talks to you.  If its anyone, then maybe you should talk to someone.  If its me, then let's find a way to get around it already, because you're not tearing me apart every time we talk, and we still have fun when we do.  The only increasing anxiety is within you, and I honestly don't know where it stems from.  And I want to ask, and help you figure it out so you don't have that as a problem anymore, but I can't without making you anxious.

Right now I'm upset, but I'm not so upset that it's ruining my life (just stressing me out some) or ruining our friendship.  Nothing has gotten in the way of our friendship.  Nothing gets in the way of us-- can you not see how strong we are because of that?

You're being a big baby.  I guess you need more time to stew, and to go out and maybe see another girl and get something to base off of besides me.  Because, as far as I know, every girl is going to want to talk about it if you're acting like a weirdo.

And I'd like to DOUBLE note, every time I brought up your behavior, I dropped it and we continued hanging out and everything was fine.  Urf!!!!


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Every time I see you you do such fantastic things that it drives me crazy.  You are singly the sweetest man I've ever met in my life.  I adore you so completely.  I wish a thousand million times you'd give me another chance.  I don't want to smother you with how much I love you, I want to play it cool.  I don't know what to do, if I should stop telling you how great you've been, or stop talking to you, or what.  But I treat you like I'd treat a friend that is as nice to me as you are-- I don't exceed friendship levels, though I find you very attractive.

I don't know what to do.  But that doesn't stop me from loving you.

Do you love me?  It's something I really want to know.  I think you do.  But I wish you'd tell me if you didn't.  Honestly.  And not just to save me.

Not that it'd change much.

You're the best thing that's ever come my way.  I wish I could be with you so much.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Running into you last night was a major shock and surprise.  I really like seeing you, I always do, but it was weirder (you know how much I love surprises).  But hanging out with you and your friends is awesome, even if it's unintended.  I'm scared you hate it.  But I love seeing you.  I love the little expressions you do.  The way you act and react.  I love your quirks.

I love you when you're happy, or sad, or angry.  There are times that you're certainly easier to get along with, but I love you no matter what.

I can't tell if you're loving me any less, or not.  I still feel like you love me.  That even when you're cold, and in an uncomfortable situation, and trying to not feel that way about me, you still love me underneath it all.

And what I wouldn't give to be able to kiss you again.  To run my fingers through your hair.  To lay next to you and laugh at jokes, our legs intertwined.  You are my most cherished friend, confidant, and I can't seem to stop loving you.

A part of me is sad about the rose bowl.  That was both a great day, and a weird one.  But I loved going with you.  I remember there being grumpiness, but lots of romance between us.  Will you remember that?  Will it make you sad?  Do you even care anymore?

Remember our times fondly.  I want new ones, I want so many new ones with you, for the rest of my life.   But we have to remember what we have and laugh at the dumb things that were bad at the time.  We were overdramatic, and you're still my heart.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Alright.  I love love love you.  Even nights that I try to make other plans so I can move on from you, I'm still thinking about you in the end.

Sigh.

I want to just be able to come over Saturday mornings and watch Pokemon and snuggle up to you and give each other massages and kisses.  Why can't that be our life?

You're my heart.  Let it beat.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

This is the first time I've ever messaged you about my mom and you just didn't respond all night.  Not even something to tell me you fell asleep.

What's going on?  We stopped having fun and sending pictures because you were getting weird, but now you're being weird again.  What's your issue?

I'm not mad at you for it, I'm just disappointed-- and worried.  I don't want anything to be wrong, I want to talk to you about my mom.  If you can't handle it that night, why not just tell me?  Why the whole silent treatment?

I don't want to message you right now about it because I know it's the Giant's game and you don't wanna deal with anything and they cause you so much anxiety, and I respect that.  So I'll talk to you later, before gamestop, but I truly don't understand this sudden weirdness and mom talk ignoring.  Is it going in circles too much for you?  It is for me too-- but you're the last person I ever expected to give up talking to me about it.

The truth is I'm terrified of mom dying.  Especially when I'm not around.  There's so much going on, and they never call, and they won't talk to me and tell me what's going on.  It's frustrating.  I'm back to being frustrated here, even though being out there was hard on me and ruined parts of me again.

That dumb story I read was talking about how this woman's dad had brain cancer, how he got more irritable before it was the end.  I'm afraid that it's the end, for mom, even though everything looks fine.

And as for you-- I know I flirt and tease, but that's never bothered you before.  I don't see how I could've made you upset.  So I honestly don't understand what happened.  Did you mean to get back to me, and you forgot?

it really bums me out.  You're my best friend, of course I forgive you.  I still love you.  But I don't like this feeling.

Friday, October 5, 2012

People bore me and I love you.

I want to send you photos of my legs and things so much.  It's really frustrating.  It's so hard for me to stop, but it seems so easy for you.

What's that about.

I don't think I was wrong about you liking me.  Hanging out last night was so great-- and the way you look at me is so tender.  You always have fun with me.

I'm still 98% certain you still love me.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Oh my gosh.  I'm so depressed.  I don't feel like I have any reason to be, but I'm so depressed right now.


i admit i don't like waking up, because in my dreams we kiss and you're giving us a chance.

I still think it's inevitable.  My only evidence is that this has kept happening for MONTHS, despite you saying nom we shouldn't.  I don't know what makes you more serious now-- because our relationship with each other is fine.  We're great, even when you say no and tell me you don't think it's inevitable.  We still have fun and enjoy each other.

YOU have fun with me.  YOU like me.  I recognize these things.  I don't know where the idea that I'll make you depressed is, except based on erroneous old information.  I was a mess before.  We seem to understand each other so well now that I can't count it.


I don't know what to do because I don't want anybody but you, ever, you are the one.  And I want to be with you.  I like you so much, you are so fun, and so great, and so considerate, and so sexy, and the way you treat me is so fantastic-- even when you're grumpy.

I can only continue hoping.  I'm sorry I'm so pushy, I don't want to push you.  I'll give you all the time you need, but I hope you'll eventually come around, and we can kiss, and you'll wrap me in your arms, and leg massages, and I can send you dirty pictures while you're on vacation.

I truly want our relationship to be what it is now (or right before I left), hanging out when we can, giving each other whatever space we need because we have events or our own mental problems, watching shows, playing games, having a good time-- and then adding in kissing, touching, handsiness,  and allowing us to love one another.  I would never do this if I didn't think we could make it work.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

This is sort of in continuum.

I love that I get your secrets.  I love that you're my best friend.

I'm so terrified that you don't want to just... hang out with me.  I'm scared our texts went way too far last night (I really enjoyed it, but I want to spend time with you in person, my friend.)

I'm mostly all talk.  I couldn't just sleep with you.

I love you far to much for that.
You're the weirdest!
Last night was amazing.  You blow my mind, you drive me wild, but then the next day you get distant and give me short answers and sentences.  Its probably just a hatred for texting and being distracted by other things.

As long as it's nothing to do with you and me, I don't care.  As long as you're not frustrated with me and taking it out on me, or distancing yourself, or whatever.  And even if you are, I'll get over it, and we'll move on because we always do.

Right now I'm really frustrated from waiting to play Blands, and for getting short answers from you, and not getting to chit chat.  And that we can't watch anything together, because I honestly do just wanna hang out.


Friday, September 28, 2012

It is SO fun to hang out with you.  I can't stress enough how much I actually enjoy it.

You look pretty cool in your sunglasses.

I'm so happy!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

you're right, this is very hard.

I'm not sure what's going on with you.  You would normally explain all your actions, tell me you were busy, tell me you were feeling this or that.  I feel very closed off from you.  I suspect you're trying to close off, but it does bum me out because you're my bestie and  I don't want our friendship to be fucked up because you're a weirdo about legs and how you feel about me.

We would both be happier if you just relaxed and went with how you felt-- then you wouldn't hold it all in and explode in these weird things and box yourself into a corner.  I know its not really time that you would have gotten to work, and maybe you'll text me and let me know what's going on.  You usually do.  I'm trying very hard to have faith in this, but it feels much like before.  I'm glad this is happening because it's going to test me, and I think that's very important-- if we can make it through your weirdness right now (this is the worst of you), then I think that's great.  It is hard on me.  It would be less hard on me if I were working and had other things going on, but since I have so much free time it's really hard on me right now.  I want to talk to you about the important things going on to me, but even though I know you care a lot, you're hiding behind not caring and not engaging.

I know you'll come back.  You love me, and you want to help me.  I'm fairly sure of these things as facts.  Heck, I'd venture to say even that you like talking to me and hearing from me.

You're just grumpy, and emotional, and that's not my fault and there's nothing I can do about it.  I want to be with you, despite this stuff, because for all the bad you show right now there's so so so so much good, and I know you care so so so so much.

I want to text you and tell you, hey, if you didn't want me to talk to you right now, or anymore, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?  Or if you can't handle it.  
Then I'd want to ask, well, when you get time, I'd really like to talk to you about some of my stuff, we're still on for it when you can relax a little, right?

You couldn't relax last night, and monday night your brain was a mess and we ended up flirting.
I know you get confused and mixed up.

I just wanna hang out with you.  Can we please hang out and just watch Outlaw Star already?

I can't say that this isn't hard, but I think being with you is worth it.  Getting over this hump you go through-- I feel like once we've handled it, we know we got it, and it'll be out of the way.

I do miss working and therapy and things that can distract me, though.

And you at least telling me whats going on.

I love you, KB.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

KB,

I'm gonna be posting a lot, I think.  I'm okay with waiting.  I know I am.  The things that I feel unsure about aren't my feelings for you; they're strong.  I'm ready.  I want to be by your side and support you and have fun with you.  This doesn't mean I don't' want my own life-- I do, very badly.  And I will continue to have it.  But I know you're the one who I want to share it with.  Your depression doesn't balk me.  I don't mind it.  Your negativity is something I can shrug off.  I often tell myself you're just being negative and get over it.  Even now, with your consistent no and it'll never work, it never feels like that's the case so I continue on.  I admit it's difficult -- I don't want to push you if YOU don't want it.  And I don't mean in the way that you don't want to get hurt and are scared, but if you did not want me, truly, I think I'd not push as hard.  But you do want me.  At least, you seem to.  And that's what I'm not sure about.  I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing for you-- even if it's the right thing for me.

I will love you endlessly.  I do.  Speaking to you lifts me up.  I would love to sit beside you, hold your hand, kiss you, make you cookies, watch your shows, come home to you.  I want to do these things very badly.  You are my best friend, first and foremost, and I never want to change that.  And I don't think it will.  Our bond has only grown stronger.  You're dismissive because you're scared.  And while I don't want you to be depressed, I won't let that be the balker.  I know you want to be with me, truly in your heart, and I am here for it.

I don't feel like I can love anyone else.  I just want to be with you.  I don't feel punished.  I am happy to do it.

You are truly an amazing person.  I am so looking forward to attempting again.  I think it's just a matter of time.  And I'm fairly convinced this time it'll work.
Stop self sabotaging.

You're making your own future a sad one.

Just relax.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Look

You're very confusing.  You're very confused.  I get this.

I love you.  I will still love you.  I won't stop loving you.  Every day I love you.  It hurts endlessly to think we won't be together and we won't get another chance.  But I don't believe it, frankly.  You're afraid of shadows, and that's fine, but I'm going to stick around and be the light and show you it's okay to be afraid, but that you don't need to be.

I can't fix your depression.  But I am here for you.  I love you so much, all of you, and even though I can't lie to you and say that this doesn't hurt, it is frustrating, I still think you're the greatest and it's not a big enough deal to not stick by your side.

I adore you, KB, take your time.  I'll be here.
This bed is so good.

i love you
hope you like your cookie

Friday, September 14, 2012

It hurts sometimes.  Randomly.  When I think you might be mad.  Or when I recognize that I probably don't have a chance.

I don't know why you flirt with me.  Why you joke and tease, and enjoy my photos.  I love talking to you.  I love it when you aren't being cold with me-- because I know you adore me.  Sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it's your life and you're closed off and I don't care.  I know you'll open up again.  I can't tell if it's because you don't like things about me, or if you're afraid and distancing, or what.  But it hurts sometimes, because it's been you for me.  I'm terrified, a part of me is, that I'll never have another chance with you.  That all of this is just leading me closer and closer to the edge of another heartbreak that you're safe from.  I don't think you're toying with me, but sometimes it feels like it might be.  Like you're pulling me closer, that you want it, but then you just let it fly out-- you'll say things like I'll see you're in a relationship.  I want to be with you.  Maybe you will date someone, but I want so badly to be with you.  Ever since we started dating you've been the one for me.  I can't get you out of my brain.  I've tried so hard to move on-- and I honestly thought that there was no way we could date again.  Sometimes I still feel that way, because you're rough around the edges, and you can be mean.  But you haven't really been-- you get cold and it hurts me.  But you have a lot going on.  You're not great at letting me know what it is, but I understand most of the time that it isn't me.

I don't know how you feel about me coming home.  I don't know if you'll see me again, or if our flirting pictures and fun will be over.  I have no idea.  I don't want it to be.  I really thought that it wouldn't work, but you've been so great this year and I felt so very, very lucky when you started to cuddle with me again.  I felt like this was it, this was my chance.  This was my chance to make things right and be with the man that I love so much.  I truly do.  I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but you.  I think it'll be you or singlehood, and so far it's being single.

I'd rather spend it with you.  I really think I would.  But if I can't have you I don't think anyone else can fill your shoes.  I love you SO much.  So ridiculously much.  I think you're fantastic.  I can be a little over zealous at times, I know that, but I dont plan to hang onto you every moment.

It breaks my heart, though, when I think that I'll get back, you'll be distant, and I'll never get a chance.  That you'll never give us another chance to try, now that I don't have to deal with the effects of PTSD every day.  Life is so much better for me now, and I largely have you to thank, you've helped me every step of the way and I can't imagine a life without you.

You said that love is a mix of dependency and affection, and I can't explain my desire for being with you any better than that.  I depend on you, I trust you, I adore you.

I love you.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Hey

So I really appreciate when you say nice things.  I'm trying not to be paranoid-- but I genuinely get the feeling lately that you don't wanna talk to me.  I know I'm sort of out of wack here lately, it's been a long time, and you are talking less.... but I honestly can't tell.

I don't want to lose you.  I'm afraid of it.  I think I already have. I don't get your weird behavior and it's hurting me.  I just want it to be over.

You're avoiding telling me how you're feeling, avoiding telling me the truth, being distant and weird, and then saying nothing is wrong, and it's all very familiar.  I don't want it to be.  But I guess this shows that it's probably a bad idea.  I'm okay with however you want to be, and what you're feeling, but when I don't understand it and am just trying to be friendly and you don't even want to talk to me I don't know what to do.  You're my best friend.

I should just assume that everything will be okay.  I'll be back in LA soon and you'll stop being short with me.

I guess I don't understand if you're trying to distance yourself, or mad at me.  And why you're doing it.  Everything was going so great, so why just stop short?  The flirting was fun, I wasn't pressuring you, you were excited (though probably also nervous).  I love talking to you, I don't want it to stop.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Why are you being so weird?

The last thing I want is to lose you because of any of this.  you're my best friend, first.  Anything else is secondary and not necessary.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Gee Wizz, I don't understand what's going on with you.
Are you just thinking about things?  You ask me questions I feel I should be honest to, you said you'll think about it, and then you get all cold to me during regular conversation.

It's just Zelda and pokemon.  It's just video games.  It doesn't seem like you to be so weird about video game talk, but here you are, being a real weirdo.

I imagine you are, in fact, busy at work.  But it doesn't seem like you to ignore texts at night-- you don't usually do that.  I don't know the last time you ignored one of my texts like that was.

Before we broke up, I think.  You've eventually responded to all others.  And I guess that's what I don't get.

Are you upset with me?  And if so, why don't you just tell me.

I can guess; you don't really know the way you really feel, and as you're working through it you still want to talk to me and stuff, but it makes it hard. You don't want to give me false hope, etc etc.

Things really are different with me now.  I kind of feel like it's you dragging behind and staying the same.  I don't mind this, because it always ends, but it is getting frustrating.  I don't want any of this to affect our super awesome friendship.  And if we started dating, which I know is unlikely, I wouldn't want you to immediately close off and stop having fun with our conversations because of it.

Just have fun.  There's nothing going on that's wrong.

But I can understand the anxiety.  You know I can.

Friday, August 31, 2012

I did what you said and it feels weird and confrontational and I hate it!

Aacchhh, I hate confrontation so much.  I'd rather just let everything go.

But you.  You I adore.
Sometimes I wake up and I think about how much I wish I could just tell you I love you.  I know it should wait until I get back.  I know I'm over thinking it a little.  But I do love you, and I know you know that, but it feels so weird that we flirt, we talk every day, we're so much like a relationship and you then say you're not sure about one, you never think one will happen.  It seems too ridiculous to believe.

And I wonder, sometimes still, what role Elyse still plays.  Have you given up on her now that she's rejected you again?  Why did Thanh tell her an altered version of what I told him?  Was he trying to cause trouble?  He said he'd keep it between us.

And I didn't even say that.  I was wishing you the best.  But now that it didn't happen, I'm interested in at some point making a claim again.  She had her chance, and I think I did the right thing by stepping aside and encouraging it as best I could.  I do want you to be happy and to do the right thing by you.  I know you wanted her, at least physically.  I guess I'm scared that you'll still have that, even with me, and since every time you get closer to it... you'll just never want me.  And if you see her again in person, it'll mess your brain up, even if we're together.

I guess I'd have to just be patient with it.  But I'm not sure that's fair to me.  I'm not sure that says "I love you".

It's fine when we're not dating, obviously... but I guess I'd be a little lost about what to do when we are.  I have some mental guidelines, I think.  Calmer ones.

But I probably should face what's likely the truth; you're flirting with me because you're lonely and sexually frustrated, you think I'm hot still.  You're too afraid to ever date me again, and chances are you don't love me anymore.  You might even have stronger feelings for someone else, possibly Elyse, possibly another person, than you do for me.  And I'm just causing turbulence by still having feelings for you.

I'm just trying to be true to myself.  I love you.  And as long as there's a chance I guess that's what I have to go on.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

hey, hey you

what's going on?  you got all silent.  is it just a rough week?
it totally is okay if it is, but you need to tell me if i'm doing something that's bothering you.
i'm trying really hard to not ask and to not press you-- because honestly, I don't want to do that anymore.  I like it when you come to me.  I can't tell if my playfulness has really pushed you away.  I can't tell what's going on with you.

I know you have a lot of writing, you're probably real stressed.  You had to pack tonight.

I'm sure it's fine, but I do care about you.  A lot (obviously).

If you push me away a million times I'll still be here for you when you come back.  So no worries.  It would be nice to know that you're okay though and you just need some space or whatnot.
I'm sure you'll tell me in your own time.

Not looking forward to not having you around to talk to, but I think it'll be just fine.

Monday, August 27, 2012

I know I can't tell you fully how much I appreciate you.

I don't know how accurate what you tell me is-- I don't know how much you feel that I don't know.  I don't like making you feel bad, in any way, but I can't say I'm not glad for some confusion.  I adore you, I love you, I want you.  I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you.  Your compassion, your confidence, your attitude.  The way that you look at and handle life is so amazing and true that I think it's really, really honorable.

I know you cant be perfect all the time.  I'm sure you lie occasionally to yourself, to others, to me.  I'm sure even that you don't mean to lie, but sometimes you hide things you don't want to confront, or don't want to admit.  From the entire world.  You're human, and we all do that.  I still think you're one of the most true-hearted, noble people I've ever met.

And I'm really lucky.  I'm really lucky to have met you.  I'm really lucky to have been able to date you. I'm really extraordinarily lucky to still have the fortune of you being my best friend.  That you care about me when I'm in trouble, that you worry about my well being.  People haven't often done that.  Not to the degree that you do.  And I really appreciate it.  And I really admire how much you care about other people too.  Even though you say you're a robot and you don't.  I know you're reclusive, but you still care for people so much.  You may not be willing to help them move, or with all their problems, but if someone needs you, you worry about them and you try to help.  And in a really true, honest way, while being honest to yourself.

I think that's rare.  You're a rare man, and I love you.

Not a lot of people have ever told me that they're sorry for what I've been through.  I think it's hard to address.  It means a lot to me when someone recognizes it-- even if you are only addressing my current issues.  I don't want constant recognition, or necessarily any at all.  But when it comes, I admit, it's the most gratifying feeling, I feel more accepted than I can explain.  I feel like someone cares, someone's listened, someone knows and understands and doesn't want to change how it was, but can just look at it and appreciate, yeah, all that was bad.

It's not that bad anymore.  I know life is still rough, there are a lot of things happening, and mom's thing is horrible.  Of course it hurts, it's been a scary year.  But I'm really happy to say that I can handle things a lot better, and that this year doesn't feel as bad as it could.

I hate that you had to be a huge part of that.  I think I have you to thank for a lot of it.  If I hadn't loved you so much, I don't know if I would have sought help, realized my condition, and worked on controlling it.

I hate that you got blindsided and... I can't think of the word.  But you became a victim of what was going on with me.  You came in at the roughest time of my mental history and were there for the explosion.  I'm sure you played a role.  But I'm grateful for it.

You've truly made me a better person.

I do wish, mostly because of how we've interacted lately, that I could try again with you now that I'm in control.  I feel like our relationship was destroyed by a lot of negative things of a year, and isn't indicative of either of us.  I love talking to you, I don't ever want to stop.  I love being with you. I  love the sound of your voice, and your jokes.  I know some of those things will fade, some will start to annoy me.  I'm sure of it-- but I can't imagine a life I'd rather want than spending it with my best friend. I want to be there for you, finally, and I know a lot of that right now is just letting you figure things out on your own.

So I'm glad for your confusion, as much as I hate disrupting your mind.  Because confusing means considering.  Not knowing how to interpret your feelings means you're wondering if it would work, you're not being close minded.  And it might.  And I want the chance, I want us both to have the chance.

I can't wait to see you.  I can't wait to peek over the iron gate through the bars and see you come around the corner and give me your funny smile because I'm on my tiptoes holding onto a fence.  I can't wait to laugh with you.

Even if we never get to be lovers again.  I love you.  I'm so happy you're my best friend.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Sometimes I wish I could just tell you how much I love you and want to really spend the rest of my life with you.

I'm certain you know, and that it really barely dents your intolerance of the idea of us being together.  But when I think of the future I see you, me, video games, and a whole lot of love.

I'll admit that this feeling is stronger after any Zelda game.  There are serious tears.  And I want to crawl into your arms and curl against you, happy that this is what my life will be.

It's my most precious dream.  I'll support you endlessly.

Friday, August 10, 2012

I did something really stupid.

I looked back at our first conversation about our first kiss.


Kyle.
I'm completely sorry.
I'm sorry I ever kept anything from you.
I'm sorry for flirting with other people at the beginning of our relationship.
I'm sorry for reading your emails, and lying to you about it.


I love you, I never stopped loving you, and I've fucked up a lot.  I know we both have.
You're it, for me.  You really are.  And I wish I could fix it all.

That first kiss was like fire to me.  And every kiss thereafter.  Every time you touch me it's electric, and it ignites within me.  I don't want to be with anyone but you, and I wish I could get you to open back up to me.  That we could open up to each other without fear.

I regret what I've done.

I've done a disservice to you that I can never fix, and it'd probably be best for me to just disappear from your life.  It makes me cry, I'm literally crying right now because of it.

I know we both did damage.  We both stopped trusting one another.  It's really hard.
I don't know what to do, because I don't know how we could start again and I love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

I really liked our silly conversation last night.  Yesterday ended up being a good day.
I really hope you figure things out soon, for your sake... but I will admit, also for mine.  I know your strange feelings will pass.  I don't think they'd stick around as long for her, but I guess I'd like to know what you think they mean for me.  How do they affect me?

I know you don't want to consider us out of fear, but I think that we have a really good chance.  At least, I think that, until you go for a week to London and come back with weird feelings.  Were you more sad that you didn't get to be with Elyse than you not getting to be with me?  Or is it that you're far more used to not feeling that with me?  Or is it that your confliction lays in that you must not really feel something for me if you allow yourself to miss another person?

If we were to date again, would you be willing to avoid those conflicts?  Would you want to keep yourself out of situations where you would return with weird feelings?  I think it'd be frustrating to date you and you start having all sorts of weird feelings about other girls.

Would you?

I feel like you'd be loyal.  I understand I have to let you be free, and vice versa.  We were both a little overbearing last time.  We need to grow up and relax a little-- and I'm doing a good job so far.

But honestly, I can't tell what you feel for me at all.

I'm not sure you can either.

But I love you.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I feel like a fool.

I'm in love with you.  All the support you've leant me over this year has been much appreciated.  You're my best friend and I love and adore you so much.  I appreciate you so much.

It hurts me to see you go through the run around with this other girl.  It hurts to think you care for her more than me-- that you would drop everything for her, but you wouldn't consider such a thing for me. I know, to you, I'm second fiddle.  I see no reason for that to be the case.  I know I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty good, and I know I treat you pretty great.

I can't change your feelings.  I don't think there's anything more I can do than what I'm doing to get to the place in your heart that she seems to be at.  I'm glad you're not waiting for her.  I'm glad she offers you some sort of comfort.  That bracelet makes me sad, because I truly doubt I'll be able to provide that for you.

I wrote you letters while you were gone because I missed you so absolutely.  I was crazy for you.  And I was terrified to send you any of them, because of the fear of rejection.  I feel like our relationship is different now than it was before you left, and that saddens me.

I was a fool for letting myself tap back into how much I love you.  I knew I did, before, but I wasn't allowing myself to really feel it.  How crazy I am about you.  But now I allowed it, and it hurts because it feels like I am the only one feeling any of these feelings.  You seem more at ease to brush it off.

I can't tell if that's true, because you message me daily.  You seem anxious to talk to me too.  But you don't seem as crazy about it.  How do you really feel about me, Kyle?

Anyway.  I probably should back away.  I want you to be here for me, because this is the hardest time of my life.  I want to be there with you. I want to stand by your side, and I don't want to give up... and I don't know what the right thing is.

But I'm afraid if I keep going it'll hurt worse and worse.  That it'll become more acutely visible that you don't love me.  That perhaps you never did.  It kept feeling like you did, but now..
Maybe you love her.
Or at least not me.  Maybe you can't love me.

But oh, how I love you, with all my heart, with the tears I'm shedding now.  How I adore you.  How it frustrates me what you're going through.  How much I wish I could be there for you, and how much it frustrates me just how helpless I am.  And how little I seem to be able to do for you.

I feel like a fool.  A hopeless fool.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Oh my God, it's almost over.

This terrible, torturing week.  It's almost over.  I feel faint thinking about it.  I know I've survived it well, but now that it's drawing to a close I can't tell if its worse or not.  Its the worst to not hear from him.  I feel lame, dependent, things I don't want to feel, things I don't normally feel.  It's the fear of losing him to her; I know that.  I worry I intruded too much on their dumb trip (that'd be ridiculous, it was only words with friends and a dumb email).

I'm afraid they slept together, and that it meant something to him.  That it meant she's the one.  More than me.  I hate that idea-- and I worry it might be true.  When I think about how she talks, about how he talks, it's too similar.  That's a key sign of attraction.  I know she likes him, but how much?  How much is it worth it to both of them?

What will happen when he gets back from London?
What will happen when I get back to LA?

What will happen when she, eventually, returns from London?

Will you wait that long for her, my confused dear?  Would you want to?  I'm right here, and perhaps that takes all the excitement out of it.  Maybe you only wanted me because I was leaving.

Does she care that you talk to me as much as you do?

I don't understand how I could care so much about this.  Why it feels like I'm drowning, underneath the unending swells and breaks of this ocean we've created.  Are you the moon, changing the tide, making me feel my highs and lows?  I don't want to look to you to know how to feel.  I look to myself, but I would be lying to say that you don't affect me.  That your shine, you support, keeps me in rhythm.

This year, I felt, had me more determined than ever that I knew you were the one for me.  It's a terrible disappointment to have to deal with this girl, this awful girl who lives so far away and keeps you dragging through the marshes.

I've been writing you letters, and someday I'll publish them here.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Dear Brain, please stop.  Please?  Please stop.

Hey readers.  Tell me how stupid I am.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Calming down a little.

It still makes me so sad.  I'm mad at myself for putting myself in this situation, and I feel sick.
I can't believe I let myself go through heartbreak again.  At least I have more to be angry about this time.  These things happen.

I've been writing to you every day.  Not only here, in weird ways, excerpts on how I feel... but things about mom.  Updates.  What I want to talk about.  I guess you're my journal now.  I can't tell how crazy that is.

I haven't stopped loving you.  I dislike this situation.  But you give me hope when you play words with friends at 2 AM London time.  I can't imagine that you'd go from sexual activity with her to playing games with me.  Or go from anything with me to sexual activity with her.  Maybe your brain can handle that-- I don't think mine can.

Or maybe you're far over me.  But it didn't seem like it.
But if that were all the case, why would you let me think that you were going there for that.  Did you truly not know, and it's not happening?  Or did you truly not know, and it is, and you're over it, or you're not, or you don't care...

I wish I could know.  But I also know I'm too scared to know.

I'm so sad.  I'll cry myself to sleep.  I can't wait to get over this again.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

I can't believe how depressed this makes me.

What do I do when you get back?
Do I ask you?  Do I ask you what you've done?  Do I ignore it?

Do I try to move on?
If you got back together with me would this always be in the back of your head?  Would it be considered an indiscretion?  Would you do it again?
Would you feel like you could break up with me just to have sex with another girl?

No... I don't think that is in your character.  I'm afraid, though, because you treat her and I in a way so outside your normal character that it's ridiculous.  If you went out of your skin for a few minutes and were talking to a friend, I feel like you would be so mad at that friend.

Don't cuddle with your ex girlfriend if you're trying to get a new one!
Especially if she's already going through a lot.
What are you thinking?

My only answer is that I have this all wrong and you have no intentions on Elyse.  If that were the case, why wouldn't you just say so?

Or are you just so confused that you honestly have no idea?

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I'm going to have to play video games all week just to stop thinking about this.  Why did I do this to myself.  I'm a fool.
I didn't think I would feel this anxious about it, I know you haven't even landed in London yet.  I know you'll be safe-- dealing with this a week on my own will be hard, but I'm going to have to do it.

But thinking about you kissing on,
snuggling with
holding hands with
leaning your head against
inappropriately touching
falling in love
with her.
It's harder than I thought.  I kept telling myself, this is temporary.  He needs to feel this out on his own.
Now I am thinking about it and wondering-- why would you snuggle with me, you know the way I feel, you knew what it did to me.  I make it perfectly clear.  Why would you do that, then run off knowingly to her to do the same things?

Is that in your character?
I can't tell.

And if not, why wouldn't you just tell me.  I would have believed you if you had said that it wasn't the case at all.  By this point, I would have believed you.  But since you allude to it, since you said you're allowed to do those things, I assumed.  I hate assuming, but I don't have a lot to go on.

I understand why this is uncomfortable, but being honest with me doesn't have to be.

"She and I are feeling out an emotional and physical relationship, but I am not sure it'll go anywhere."

That's all it would have taken.
Or

"I've been letting you think this because I didn't think you would listen to me if I told you otherwise."

Give me a chance to.

I thought I could handle this, but I don't know if I can after all.
I may have to just stop talking to you.  I need you, I love you, but if you are in love with another woman... if I'm just your backburner.... I'm not sure I could handle that.
Is that why you told me not to count on it?  Because you were so close to having something else?

I wish you would just be clear, and precise.  I don't understand why you feel like you have to give me the run around.

It makes your character confusing and stains it.

Friday, July 27, 2012

I'm glad we talked today.  Of course I'm nervous about your trip to London.  I am scared that she'll be your girlfriend, that there will be no future for us.
It's very, very hard to think of you being with another girl.  It's very hard to be okay with it.  There will probably be a point where I'll have to back off, like you once did, but I'll let you know.  I'm trying to be cool with it and give you the time you need.

I can't tell what you're thinking in regards to this.  I don't understand why you're such a mess about it.  I guess it upsets you so much that you refuse to think about it, but I hope that you figure everything out eventually.  I don't like how long you're torturing yourself liking two girls.  Just pick one.  It'll be easier on you.

I guess it might be hard, considering how far she lives away.

But I do love you.  I hope we end up together, but in the end I just want to see you happy.

Good luck, my love.  I'll miss you.

Please don't torture me for too long.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I was so surprised that you called me.
It was actually a really rough day.  I thought we'd exchange stories via the internet, but actually getting to talk to you meant a lot to me.  I don't want us to have to call each other every day (though it's nice to chat and text every now and then), but I liked that occasion.

I haven't wanted to tell you this, but with mom the way she is, it's been hard not to revisit the things that matter to me, what I want-- it's hard to not want to make a move, to make myself as happy as I feel I could be.  I am looking forward to being able to do something with us-- I truly believe we could be happy together.  I think it's worth trying again.  I don't want to put all my hope in it, of course, but I feel so truly that I would love to spend the rest of my life with you.  I wish my mom could see that.  I wish she could see us find happiness (with one another?).  I want to be able to have someone, like you, to be there for me continuously.  You have been there for me so much through this rough time, you've been fantastic.  I love you so much, and it's hard to differentiate-- which is you being a caring friend, which is you being more.  Loving me more.

I feel like you love me.

I know that I love you.

And being your best friend is one of the best feelings I've ever had.  It makes me so happy to be there for you, to hear your stories.  I hope that I can continue being that for you.  Regardless of what happens.  Even if you end up with her.

I can't say enough how much I appreciate you, how much I admire you, and how much you've helped me.  You are, truly, the wind beneath my wings, and I'm happy to have ever met you.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Alright, now I'm states away from you.
I hope we don't stop talking.
I hope that you don't go to her.  Our exit was so nice, it was so soft, it had so much promise... now that I'm here, I know, I know I can't count on it being there when I return, but I want it to be.

I want to be with you.  I know this to be fact.
Please don't stop socializing with me now.

Are you going to less, this week, because I'm gone?
Because you're sad I'm gone?
Because you're stressed about London?
Because you're going to see her?

Are these going to be factors?  Will our last night together, tightly embraced, change anything for you when you see her?
These are all things I wonder.

I wonder how much on your radar I actually am.  Once you have me, you don't seem to want me as much.  But when you don't, you seem to crave me.


I will miss you.  I'll need you still to help me through this.  But I can live without you.

Yet, I still yearn to kiss you.

Monday, July 23, 2012

I wish we could have kissed.

But even without it, being held by you that was was the perfect exist.  I'll dream of your kisses.  I hope that we can have them when I return.

I love you.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

You sure?  You sure you don't wanna crawl into bed with me?

You sure you don't wanna think harder about giving this some more time?  You sure you don't want my fingers running through your hair.  Your fingers, running along my spine, on my back, over my shoulders... down my hips...

I'm sure I do.

I want to pet your back and you hair every night we can.  I don't mind taking nights off.  I don't mind if we need space.  But this relationship between us now is already so good-- I can see when you close off.

Do you feel guilty?  Do you feel bad, because you're building a flame with her?

I want to run my fingers over your sides, across your stomach, over your neck.  I want to lay kisses over your shoulder, up your jaw, against your lips.  I want to pull myself against you.  Are you sure you don't want to grip me around my waist, my shoulders, and hold one another and build one another up again?  We're doing better than we ever did.  I'm certain it could work.

Right now, there's only three things that stand in our way.

Fear
Your (possible) desire for her.
My trip.

Just think about it, my dearest.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I love you so much.

Everything you do makes me in awe of the person you are.
I feel like a fool, but I am in fact, foolish for you.

Even if my heart hurts that you're going to another.  That you wish to give her your affection... I love you, continuously, with every breath, with every word we speak to one another.  I live my life, separate, interacting, wishing.  It's lousy, it's pathetic, but try as I might you keep pulling me in.  You are the only one I can imagine spending my life with.  It's hard to believe you might feel another way.  It's hard to believe some other lady might be the one you love.

Do you?  Do you love her?
I don't understand why I'm so much more anxious.  I don't understand why I can't sleep.  I was enjoying myself so much-- so what happened?

Was it the entrance of her into the equation?  I guess before I felt like I was really likely to have a chance.  You seemed so happy.  If it had just kept going like that, I think we both have a chance to truly be happy.

But how am I to know that you wouldn't be more happy with her.  And that's what I truly want for you.  I want you to have the best end result possible.  I hope that it's with me.  I believe that it's with me.  I think that you and I compliment each other very well.

I know I put my foot in my mouth, I say a lot of stupid things.  I get nervous easy.  I really hope your friend liked me, and I'm sorry I misspoke in front of your cousin.  The things I said were because I love you.  I got carried away reciting things that I adore about the guy I know, and what he would do in a situation.  I adore your laugh, the way you handle yourself, the way you move.

I know everyone sees it.  I know I'm not the only one.  There IS something about you.  

I want to be a larger part of it.  I want to curl up in your arms again, and I hope I didn't mess anything up.  I know you didn't want to create more anxiety for me, and I don't want you to feel bad.  I -am- more anxious, but I don't understand why I should be.  I feel good every time we talk.  I feel a little sad when we interact the way we did last night (no hugs, nothing, but you had a friend there... and one who talks to Her.  You had your top guard on.)

I don't really care if they do like me.  I still think that you and I are good together.  That I care about you.  That I can bring you happiness and vice versa.  

But I know you care so much about her.  I know you do.  I hope, for you, that it doesn't hurt you.  I want you.  I know you want me too.  I hope that isn't too confusing.

Do you see all the weird thoughts that are going through my head?  Why is it like this, for me?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I think I hate that you left our conversation the way you did.  It makes me kind of sick.
This is a red flag, I suppose.

I adore you, still, I adore what we've been.  But I can't tell if we're on the same wavelength.  What makes it the wrong time for you, is it the same reasons I stated?  Or is it her?

I don't want to be the other woman.

Don't tell me that she doesn't like having her feet touched.  It just makes me wonder what she does want you to touch, what you are touching.  It's not fair.

I don't want to overlap her.  And I want you to be done with her when you come back to me.  I know you're interested in her, I think it's great to get it out of your system.  I don't feel she's a real threat.  I feel she's temporary.  But it still bums me out.

I want that electricity back and all I feel is stomach sick.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Alright, my dear.
This has to likely draw to a close.  I'm leaving Sunday, and last night your foot massage took me to heaven.  However, I want to stay with you.  I don't like being called just a friend (is that what I am?).  And I can't help but wonder if you're going to London as just friends or as a little bit more interest in there... are you about to have a week with her, like you are having with me? 

My gut instinct is to say you're not.  You wouldn't have started up cuddles with me if you were going to go to her and do the same.  However, I wonder if these cuddles are going anywhere for you.  I think they mean something to you, because you look like it, but I can't tell if we're taking it slow or if you're sort of just using me to feel better but still looking elsewhere.

I'm not.  I'm not using you.  I stopped all activity the moment you touched me again.  I want to escalate this.  I want to lay in your bed with you.  I want to kiss you.  I obviously want more, but I can wait until I return for that.  Will you let me?  May we make this something again?  So far it's been great, and the few anxieties I have are easily relieved.

I adore you so much that I am not sure how to bring it up, because I honestly don't want these things to stop.  I just want to feel it out.  But being made to leave last night brought tears to my eyes.  I was so tired, and I just wanted to lay next to you, but I didn't want to push it.  You said I wasn't being pushy.

Please, let's just be together.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Hair pets.  Awesome.
Your foot massages make me feel electric.  I want to curl in close to you.  I'm starting to get anxious it will all disappear-- I know I'm getting too attached.

I keep having dreams that you have a  girlfriend and we're doing this.  Or that you tell me that I shouldn't expect anything out of it.
I know I shouldn't.  But I guess I've begin to hope it.  Even when you're moody, I may not know what to do, but I adore being around you.

I still want to kiss you.  I want you to smile and hold me, the way you do.  I know you've got a stressful week and I'm happy to do my own thing and see you the days that I will.  I know we probably shouldn't act as much like boyfriend and girlfriend while we're around your friends.  But I think I want that to be the case.

There are some things I can't answer.  What about me leaving?  How will that affect it?  Will things be the same when I come back?  I hope so-- or more.  Two months is kind of a long time.  But not long enough for me to get over you.  It hasn't been.

What about London?  Are you going to slip into similar behavior with her?  I guess if you do it doesn't matter.  You don't owe me anything.  I'm not sure you would, I feel like you're a pretty one lady kind of guy.  And I was under the impression you don't even like her that way anymore.  But we haven't spoken of it.  I feel like it's not my place.

I like all that we're doing.  I do.  I really want to keep with it.  I want to lean against you, I want to kiss you, but are we pushing it too far?

I can handle any of the sadness again.  It'd be worth it.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

you touched me again.
we snuggled.  i kept asking if it was okay.  you eventually put you arm around me.  i was trying to be good.  even though i was making fun of you.  of this funny situation we're in.

I don't want you to be sad.

Oh, but I can't describe how it felt when you were scratching my back.  I want to kiss you.  I want to kiss you so bad I feel it in my fingertips when I type this.  I think of the way your arm felt around me, on the way your hand felt touching mine.  I think of how good your body feels against me when we hug.

I can't believe how dreamy you make me.  I'm so glad that we still snuggled.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I don't want to end the cuddles.  I liked the snuggles.  I don't like that you're more distant to me now.  Oh how a couple days changes things!

I don't want to put a lot of stock in it.  I think I'll get you back.  I just want to explore it and let it go where it wants to go, take your brain out of it!

Why are you making such big decisions on what ifs?  You hate what ifs.

All I know is that I get your depression, I know the worst of you, and you still make me giddily happy. You make me want to laugh.  You make me want to curl up to you.  When my brain is fried you don't mind.  When I show up late, you stopped caring.  You're being cool as a cucumber, and I don't mind that we spend days apart because I know I'll see you again.  You're taking away some of that confidence, giving me a little anxiety.

Are we exploring this?

I hope so.

Because I really really want to spend the rest of my life playing video games with you.

Monday, July 9, 2012

I'm on cloud 9.

To feel your hands on me is so good.  Having your leg pressed up against mine fills me with excitement.  I was nearly trembling when we were cuddling.  I'm afraid of keeping this up, because I'm not sure how much I can tolerate before I want more of you.

So much more.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

You're torturing me, huh.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

i had a dream where we kissed.
i want that kiss so, so bad.  but i am okay without it.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

You are just the light of my life.  You are fantastic, you are so much fun I can't even explain it.

Having my arm against yours is electricity.  I know I should back away.  I'm telling myself its more a sign that you're over it than we should should start it again, but man, I just feel so great to be with you I hardly care.  I love you.  I love you, I love you, I love you, with every fiber of myself, and everything I do in the meantime is to just keep me from not aching so much that I cannot be with you.

Someday, maybe, with any luck, we can hold each other again and it'll be the most excruciatingly fantastic thing.

Friday, June 29, 2012

I find a fatal flaw 
In the logic of love
And go out of my head

You love a sinking stone
That'll never elope
So get used to used to the lonesome

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I miss you.
I feel like everything has turned to ash.  I miss you so acutely now that I'm here that it hurts.  It hurts when we don't talk.  It hurts when it feels like things have gone wrong.  What happened?
I'm concerned it's me.  Did I do something?  Probably.

But I feel like perhaps I'm just too anxious.  If I leave it, it'll be fine.

But I'm hurting so bad right now.  Everything hurts, I'm terrified, and I feel so alone.  I'm so alone, and I don't have anyone to turn to, and I was turning to you and you keep disappearing.  I know I shouldn't lean on you, we both knew this would happen...

Yet, it still makes me so sad.  I just want to say, give me a few more days, stick with me a few more days, please, until I can get somewhere where I'm not feeling quite so alone.  But I don't have anyone.

I wish I could still love you.  I want to be with you so badly.  I want to stroke your hair when you're stressed.  I want to lay in your arms.  I want to cry on your shoulder when I am.  Even though you were never good at that.  I know my sadness is hard on you.

I'm scared that it's not, like I thought, because you care so much that it hurts to see me sad.  I'm scared that you have been tolerating it out of caring somewhat about me, but then it gets too intense and you think, I don't need to be a part of this, and you abandon me.

I know it's not your battle.

I know it's my battle.

I just miss you so damn bad.  I miss kissing you.  I miss going home to you.  I miss playing games with you.  I miss holding your hand.

I wish I didn't.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I get nervous.  When you seem less inclined to talk.  And I don't like it.  
I feel like I should force myself abstinence when it happens.  Then I come home and you've linked me to awesome things and maybe I was just making a deal out of it in my head all along.

Nothing reminds me of my crazy like missing you.  But you're amazing, how could I not?
I want to talk about my mom.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

There's no way I couldn't be in love with you.  You're the most amazing person in the world.
It's heartbreaking to know it.  But it's worth every second.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Friday, May 11, 2012

I don't know what's worse.

The idea that I may have seen it coming, or the idea of you being with her, or her being here, or meeting her, or the idea that we're not even friends and now things are going to be all weird.

I'm in the grumpiest of grumpy moods.
I'm a mess.  Always.  I'm trying to just live.  I'm falling into whatever pit this is.  I can't claw my way out.

There's a stone in my chest.

I'm anxious.  I'm sad.  I'm miserable. I'm scared.  I'm never happy.

I'm lost.

Why does this bother me so much.  It's what I expected, from the beginning.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

I'm a mess.

It's just the worst.  I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't want to see friends.  I can't tolerate people.  I get snappy.  I'm shutting down.  What do I do once I'm so sad that I don't care about anything anymore?  Does that happen?  Or does it go away?

I miss you so, so much.  It's ridiculous.  I hate myself for it.  I hate myself because I know I can't have you.  I hate myself for being this weak.  I hate myself for playing with others because of mixed feelings of loyalty and of wanting to just break it up in my head already.

I can't seem to finish it.  I can't.  You're the person I want to be with.  I'm distracting myself, and distracting myself, and I'm so terrified you're going to move on without me, because they all have.  And I'm so terrified that you're sad, and terribly off, and I can't help.  Or I can.  And I'm terrified to tell you just how much I want to be with you every single day.

I just want you to try to figure out how to help yourself first.  Then I want to come in, I want to say I want to be there, I'm trying to do the best thing for you.  It's so hard to wake up every morning, and to go to sleep every night.

I feel empty.  I feel briefly excited by stupid tattoos.  I feel easily distracted by things that I know won't last because I don't actually care about them.

also i cut my finger and now its bleeding.  boo.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I miss you too.  I think about getting back together with you endlessly.  It's torture for other people.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Come on, brain.

I wish I would just give up.
Boys are brainwashing.
I am a leader destined to follow.


Sunday, April 8, 2012

I hate reading poems and feeling I am a phony.
I don't consider myself a poet.
Or a writer.

I'm just a girl with a torn up heart who can't draw her feelings.

I have to put them somewhere. These letters are like pictures, to me.

Dear Tattoos

Yes, I like you.

I don't understand you. You spin around in my brain constantly. I check things more than I ought due to you.
I assume it's like.
Maybe I'm just confused. Maybe it's a riddle that I Must Solve.
Maybe I like you.

We're like wolves. We circle each other. We keep circling and growling and parting and sniffing. We might either fall together or pull far apart. I can't decide if I crave the push and pull or I hate it.

Regardless.
I won't ever take you seriously.

But, yes. I think I like you.
I wish you would write me right now, because it's often agony to wait.