Sunday, December 26, 2010

Uhmn.

I think I have a crush. Actually.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Long time no post.
Happy Christmas.

I am posting because I feel I should. I have wiped my hands clean of this situation, but I can't say that what has happened hasn't hurt me deeply. I don't want to have anything to do with this weird mess between the three (four) of you. I want to be as far away from it as possible. This said, I know it will haunt me in many ways.

I don't appreciate what a dick you've been. I don't appreciate how nice I am to you and how you walk all over me. I hate that I let you walk all over me-- but even though it hurts and I know what is what, saying anything is never the wisest decision. You do not owe me anything, and that is understandable. Your lack of consideration to basic social norms is ridiculous. You are acting like a child, a college student, but that is something that happens to a lot of people.

I don't know how you will feel in three months, five years, ten. I don't know how you will view me. I have a basic understanding of human psychology and the way you map things, so we will see. I hope that in your quest you will find maturity and understanding and not continue changing into a selfish ball of complication. I am not sure if that will happen or not, but I wish you luck-- because I do, still, truly want the best for you. How can I not? You were always there for me, before, before you turned into this. And I will never stop adoring you for that.

Enough is enough though. Moving on. I like some people. It's pretty awesome.
I'm actually looking forward to doing some things I haven't been able to do. My independence is stronger than ever. I am standing more on my own than ever, and while I dislike being closed off, I am blooming and I have you to thank. So thank you. It's working out for me.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

So I accept the things you do-- you go crazy and have fun and are a bundle of emotions and that is okay. I am sorry if my wishing you would address the fact that we even had a relationship and look over it in your head pressures you. I know that you will look back, eventually, because everyone does. Hindsight, regret, those things always occur. I guess, just, for me-- it was more important to me to figure out what I had learned in this past year then ignore it and push on aimlessly. But you are still wheeling in your mind, and that is okay-- I still love and accept you, even for that.

Maybe you'd be really happy with Kristen. Maybe you are not even interested in a relationship with her. I don't know. I am not going to pretend like this didn't hurt, because it did-- but you don't owe me anything. We aren't dating. I think the way this went about perhaps was a little irresponsible, and could have been handled with more grace but that is okay, you are going to do what you are going to do-- and that happens. You are a person, and person just do things.

I wish, though, that you would be honest. Just be honest. With yourself. With me. Just be honest with the world. I don't say this because I think there is anything wrong with you-- but you have shown me your pain, you have shown me your hurt, and you have stated you don't want to hurt anymore. I understand that you want to scapegoat me and victimize yourself in this situation, blame it on me-- on us. But we are not the culprit. I have done things that have hurt you, I understand that, but these issues of self confidence and pain and suffering and dishonesty and lack of courage that bother you come from far before me. They have happened roughly with whoever your with-- I understand I just pushed you further. I made you think more. I made you look at yourself more and you disliked what you saw.

I am sorry to have done that to you and hurt you because of it. I really am. There is nothing to dislike about you. A lot of it was situational, but these are all things that make a person a person, and you can improve on them, but you have to know they exist. I never meant to make you feel like I didn't accept you for those things-- treating someone a certain way is not acceptable usually, but feeling the way you felt is. The feelings, the motives, the thoughts-- those are all acceptable. I wish you wouldn't scapegoat me, but that is what you have to do to heal. I hope you will look back and see things truly for what they are.

Love and acceptance are something everyone should know and have. Loving other people, being willing to have faith and trust and accept-- those are good things. Acceptance, in the actions they do, knowing things will happen, things they do-- those are fantastic things. These things happen. You can still worry about what might happen or will happen or wonder if things could have been different, but things are done-- things are the way they are now, and all you can do is work on seeing what you liked, didn't like, leaving it behind you, and doing what you can to improve the now.

You do have to learn from your mistakes, and that takes a lot of reflection. Obviously. It is so good to look over all that has occurred. Will you skip over looking into me? I don't know. You don't even seem to feel bad that you broke my heart. It doesn't even seem to matter to you that I am a person who has accepted all the things you do and does roll with the punches and keeps feeling the same and being there for you. And that is fine, that takes time. You are a person and you have to heal and do things your own way.

But truly, honey, you have to love and accept yourself-- I can love and accept you all you want, and you will never feel it until you accept yourself. And then, you can truly love and accept and understand other people for all they are, and find the routes of the madness.

I truly want you to be happy. Every day, I want you to be happy.

You have made it abundantly clear there is no reason for us to talk. There is no reason that you can see for us to really associate except you want to be able to have fun with someone you had fun with without any of the negativity-- you want to live in a perfect world and there is nothing wrong with that. Communication and understanding makes the world a better place. Being closed off to it causes drama.

Both you and Kristen are handling this situation underhandedly. You both know what happened, know I was hurt by it-- you got mad at me for even being there, and while I know our conversation wasn't the greatest, you were pushing me to get angry at you. I am not angry at you. Despite all this pain, I am not angry at you, just as I promised you I would never be. I am disappointed that you and Kristen would lie to me. You both always seemed more genuine and less underhanded than that. Whatever you do and are doing is fine, but if you are going to do it-- but be proud of whatever it is you're doing. Be happy about it, and just say it. Just tell me. I accept the things you do, I have been accepting the things you do. I forgive you for them. I know you dislike that I love you anyway, but I know you are a fantastic person and I thought we had a real connection.

Lately I have been wondering if you lied about all of it all of long. Were you with me out of pity? You pitied me and so you said you loved me and stayed with me? Was I really the best sex? Did you really love me? Did you really want to be with me? How much of what you said was actually true?

You have lied to me on many occasions. You have broken my trust time and time again. You know you have. You are not a terrible person for this. You're not a horrible person. You are just a hurt person who doesn't know what to do and doesn't have the confidence to stand up for what they feel and really mean.

All that aside. I accept that side of you. I understand it. I accept that you are scared and hurt and don't have the confidence yet to stand up for yourself. It's okay that you don't-- you will-- and if you don't want to, you don't have to change. I am supportive of you just the way you are, as much as the way you will be or want to be. I only encourage you to grow because everyone does anyway-- and you have specified in the way you want to grow, and I have faith that you can.

Do I really think you lied to me about those things? I am not fully certain.
What I believe is this.
You meant them. Even if you didn't mean them fully, a part of you meant them. You wanted to mean them. You are in such a hard place-- you are so hurt that you glorify many things and you can't find reasons to love yourself and that makes it also mean you look for answers in other people and when you can't, you're disappointed. You find yourself between a roc and a hard place of the things you think you want. Do I think you wanted the things and meant the things you said? Yes. You loved me. You loved me as much as you could love me at the time.
I don't think you are dishonest. I don't think you're a liar, despite your actions. You are a person, a person that makes mistakes and is afraid and wants to right the wrongs and make life easier for themselves.

You are not a courageous person, all the time. You have a hard time using your backbone to stand up for what you believe in. You did well with me, I hope you can eventually reflect and see that-- not as well as you would have liked, but well. You hate your job, and that made you hate your life. You hated LA, that made you hate your life. I was an easy change-- and I know I didn't make it much better, but I wasn't the problem. The issues in our relationship were solvable issues, they were not major crisis. And for me, they have been solved. I know they have not been for you, and I accept that.

I understand you will grow and see the person you will become and are hoarding feelings and just ignoring everything. You are acting out on me because I will take it. You know I will take it. I don't even think you know you are doing it. You are wanting to push me away and when it doesn't work you are getting frustrated-- I am not meaning to break you down. I just want to be here to help.

I can disappear quietly into that good night, if you wish. But I don't think you would really accept it. I am done with a lot of this. You don't want me here, you want to push me away and hurt me, and even though that is okay and I accept it-- there is no reason for me to just hang around for the abuse to end. I'll be here when you are ready to talk and be reasonable. I'll be here for fun.
I'm not mad at you. No, you are not getting off scott free. You will have to live and accept and understand every decision you make-- the good and the bad-- and you can write them off as well I just wanted to do it and I didn't mean to hurt anyone-- but eventually you will have to learn from things. You want to break this cycle as much as anyone else wants to break their own.

It's okay to be in a cycle. It's okay to be stuck. But you wanting out of it means you need to change it. You gotta find your happiness.

In the end, I believe in love. I believe in you. I accept who you are fully, even the parts of you that you won't show me.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Heartbreak hotel. Hah.

I am very surprised in the both of you, but this is okay.
I meant it that I am okay with things.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Best dream ever where you surprised me by saying you wanted to try again. We made out. Then you expressed your concerns about it and I had to talk to you about them (which was nervewracking).

I felt excellent upon waking.

Then I realized how unlikely that might be still and felt really bad. It was a good dream though. You were very fun last night-- I didn't think exchanging our stuff would be quite so fun. I don't know about you, but I still feel that spark....