Saturday, November 20, 2010

Livejournal.

So I spent the last... so many hours pouring over your Livejournal. It is something I should have done before, so long ago, when I could have understood you better by reading it.

How did you get to be in such a cycle? What is the root of the pain that you go through where you question yourself over and over, you ask the same things, you go over the same things. You take a long time to think about things, and I understand that-- but I wonder if that is, at least in this case that is years and years of cycles, just not getting to the root....

I hate that you are doing this to yourself. I don't mean not being with me. But this pain you put yourself through. This feeling that nobody will accept you when you put yourself out there. I can kind of see why. The comments are fleeting, they have no depth. Though I'm sure that you had real conversations, your tag of being emo-- there is nothing wrong with wanting to connect with someone on a deep emotional level. It is something I always wanted for us, and... I guess by the time you got to me you were too scared, and I didn't even know what to do.

I am ready now, to talk to you. You don't have to be with me. I know you don't even want to be. But I can help, I can help listen, I understand what you are going through and all I want to do is help you find your pain and feel better. That is all. I think you're fantastic, a wonderful person who cares so much about other people and doesn't even know what to do with himself. You know who you are, I am sure of it, but you are too afraid and hurt to admit it. This happens. It happened to me. It is okay that it happens... but I know it hurts you. You say it hurts you.

I know that I messed up, I know that I was selfishly inclined on my own issues. If I hadn't been, I don't think I would have ever been able to be where I am now. Now, I know I can help. I know that we could work through this and we could be one of those relationships that doesn't fight. There is nothing flawed about US. There is something flawed in our acceptance of ourselves. I've overcome mine. I want you to feel good too.

Please, please give me a chance. I know you won't read this so I feel comfortable asking, almost pleading. It is my heart's most desperate wish. You want to be an open book? I want to read you and understand you. I want to love you and say, this is my favourite book, everyone should read this book!
And I want people to accept it. And you.

And they do. But you still don't see it.


I love you, Brian. I love you so much and all these little things make me stunned with how much I missed a fantastic chance. I don't regret our relationship, it helped me alot-- selfishly. But I should have been there for you. And I can be.

I would exchange the hope of ever being with you again for you to just truly talk to me and let me listen and to help you find your core.... and be a happier person. You are not broken, or incomplete. You are just hiding. It's okay, my darling, you can come out now. It will be okay because everybody loves you. I love you.

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