It's okay-- I mean, I really want it to be okay. I really want to be that strong. I love you so much, I really do want the best for you. I don't know why I have to be stuck in this place. I don't even know what to do to move on but live through it. "Not hold on", I guess. Tell myself there is no way, no way. Just keep going. Cut you out of my life.
But I don't want to cut you out. It's okay. You need your space and time, and I want to be there for you. I want so very much to be able to help, because you are so special and fantastic.
And it doesn't matter. The only person it matters to is me. And I'm alone. I'm all alone.
And I want to be with you. And hold your hand. And cry into you during sad movies. I don't want you to be sad, but I want you to want those things too-- and it is impossible right now, and I understand that, but it is still very, very sad.
You are so, so special to my heart. Even this terrible, terrible loneliness and pain is worth it, just for the chance to help make you happy and be able to smile by your side and hold your hand once again.
And even if it is just to help you smile.
That would still be payment. No matter how many times my heart breaks.