I'm glad that you emailed me to want to talk, though I can't help but feel like the reason is that you just don't want me to dislike you. I don't dislike you. There are things that you are doing now that I think would be resolved easier by conversation. I love you, and I want to be with you-- which is hard, since you don't. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be friends. I adore you, I want to be there for you, and I'll be your friend no matter what you do. I am nervous about you dating, I am nervous about things, yes those things will hurt me, but I want to be your friend regardless. There is no way that that is going to turn off, with or without you there. This way, at least, we can be there for each other.
I still plan to respect your space. I don't know if you will actually go through with talking. Or what you have been up to. Or the reasons for doing what you are doing. I know you are on your guard, and I expect full armor when you talk to me-- if you talk to me. But, it would be nice if you let it down and just let it all out so we could clear things up and get some resolution.
Does that mean I'll stop loving you? No. Chances are, no matter how far forward we go in time, no matter who we date, I will always be willing to reopen this door. You were a fantastic boyfriend, and you are a fantastic person. I have no reason to dislike you, to think that our relationship wouldn't work (especially feeling the way I feel now and the changes that have occurred in me).
Do I think you're the one for me? Yes. But I am exploring the way I feel just as you are.
Of course I wonder what you are doing, how you are doing, what you are feeling. I do that with just about everyone, I am curious about all the things they do. And of course I am still emotionally invested in you. However, I am strong enough to separate those things.
I don't truly expect you to give me a chance right now. You are too caught up, too hurt. But it would be nice.
So, I understand your need for space. If you e-mail me or not, that is your choice. I just want you to know (even though you don't read this), that I am not blocking you from my wall on facebook out of any sort of irritation or spite. I figured if you wanted space, it might be good for me to just drop off your grid for awhile. I know you're taking some space anyway and disconnecting and that's cool. This seems like it'd be easier for you, and I feel good giving you what you need. I am happy to reinstate it at any point that you want. :)
But I am not mad at you. I totally respect your position. I am just trying to do what is the most helpful for you and I hope that you're okay.
Let me know how things are whenever you're ready. I'll be here.
I'm very thankful, even like this, that you are in my life.
Today, for some reason, I am so scared that you hate me.
I know you don't really. If anything, you're upset with me, probably for lack of space. I am attempting to give you space and still be a friendly person and friends. I like you! I'm sorry if I'm being too demanding with my friendliness.
I'm looking forward to seeing you, but I'm also nervous. I wish I could ask you why you hate talking to me so much. Perhaps I should?
Seems like a bad idea. I just want everything to be okay between us.
You're still my knight in shining armor. It's my turn to stay by your side, no matter how difficult it is. :(
Sometimes I am so afraid you will never let me in again. I know you so well, I want to understand you so well, and all you want is someone (people) to do that. You want to share the world with someone who understands you and let's you be you. And I want to be that person. And I know that I can be now.
I want to help you through this. Obviously, so badly. Please don't shut me out.
So I spent the last... so many hours pouring over your Livejournal. It is something I should have done before, so long ago, when I could have understood you better by reading it.
How did you get to be in such a cycle? What is the root of the pain that you go through where you question yourself over and over, you ask the same things, you go over the same things. You take a long time to think about things, and I understand that-- but I wonder if that is, at least in this case that is years and years of cycles, just not getting to the root....
I hate that you are doing this to yourself. I don't mean not being with me. But this pain you put yourself through. This feeling that nobody will accept you when you put yourself out there. I can kind of see why. The comments are fleeting, they have no depth. Though I'm sure that you had real conversations, your tag of being emo-- there is nothing wrong with wanting to connect with someone on a deep emotional level. It is something I always wanted for us, and... I guess by the time you got to me you were too scared, and I didn't even know what to do.
I am ready now, to talk to you. You don't have to be with me. I know you don't even want to be. But I can help, I can help listen, I understand what you are going through and all I want to do is help you find your pain and feel better. That is all. I think you're fantastic, a wonderful person who cares so much about other people and doesn't even know what to do with himself. You know who you are, I am sure of it, but you are too afraid and hurt to admit it. This happens. It happened to me. It is okay that it happens... but I know it hurts you. You say it hurts you.
I know that I messed up, I know that I was selfishly inclined on my own issues. If I hadn't been, I don't think I would have ever been able to be where I am now. Now, I know I can help. I know that we could work through this and we could be one of those relationships that doesn't fight. There is nothing flawed about US. There is something flawed in our acceptance of ourselves. I've overcome mine. I want you to feel good too.
Please, please give me a chance. I know you won't read this so I feel comfortable asking, almost pleading. It is my heart's most desperate wish. You want to be an open book? I want to read you and understand you. I want to love you and say, this is my favourite book, everyone should read this book!
And I want people to accept it. And you.
And they do. But you still don't see it.
I love you, Brian. I love you so much and all these little things make me stunned with how much I missed a fantastic chance. I don't regret our relationship, it helped me alot-- selfishly. But I should have been there for you. And I can be.
I would exchange the hope of ever being with you again for you to just truly talk to me and let me listen and to help you find your core.... and be a happier person. You are not broken, or incomplete. You are just hiding. It's okay, my darling, you can come out now. It will be okay because everybody loves you. I love you.
It's okay-- I mean, I really want it to be okay. I really want to be that strong. I love you so much, I really do want the best for you. I don't know why I have to be stuck in this place. I don't even know what to do to move on but live through it. "Not hold on", I guess. Tell myself there is no way, no way. Just keep going. Cut you out of my life.
But I don't want to cut you out. It's okay. You need your space and time, and I want to be there for you. I want so very much to be able to help, because you are so special and fantastic.
And it doesn't matter. The only person it matters to is me. And I'm alone. I'm all alone.
And I want to be with you. And hold your hand. And cry into you during sad movies. I don't want you to be sad, but I want you to want those things too-- and it is impossible right now, and I understand that, but it is still very, very sad.
You are so, so special to my heart. Even this terrible, terrible loneliness and pain is worth it, just for the chance to help make you happy and be able to smile by your side and hold your hand once again.
And even if it is just to help you smile.
That would still be payment. No matter how many times my heart breaks.
Did I do something to upset you? I always have a good time seeing you, even though tonight I was tired and not in the best of spirits. I wonder what happened to you? Why are you suddenly so distant? Again?
I still love you and am always there for you. I have a lot of faith in you and will always be here for me when you want to talk. I'm sympathetic that you don't feel like you can talk to me still. I hold no anger or resentment towards you.
Talking to you tonight was wonderful!! All I can ever ask of you is to feel comfortable with the choices you make, but I am happy this one worked out pleasantly for both of us!
I cheers us, online, for working to make an easier, happier future for the both of us, no matter where it takes us. It is possible to heal all wounds with understanding and trust, and this I will do for you.
You are an amazing, amazing person. Never forget!!
Seeing you today will be scary, but I am excited. Everything will work out-- you're a fantastic person. I hope you have had a good week.
Meeting your friend was fantastic.
I am mildly afraid of someone sneaking up on you-- what will you do? It is okay... you are free to do what you want, and I support whatever you need to make you happy. I just wish it was me. And it is very soon.
I know, however, that you would not do anything so soon.
It... is logical and illogical all at once. Of course, fighting reason with emotion is always difficult. For both of us, I want to stay strong. Show my support. I want to show my love.
I am both the same and different. I know I am and can be all the things you want. You are all the things I want. So what then would prevent us? It seems closed minded.
I don't want you to be like Jeff. You are you, and you are fantastic. I have so much faith in you. I know, even if you never see me, ever again for who I really am, I will still have faith in you. But I wish you would see me.
I wish so much that you would see me.
I don't want to move on and lose loving you. You deserve the love. I want to give it all to you and stand by your side, always.
I like adventures... but I am not like Jeff. I don't want to experience adventure after adventure. Being with you is the adventure I want to experience. Why is it that I am alone in that?
I don't like wondering if I have done something wrong, every time I talk to you. I obviously mention things any way. It is okay, I understand.. that you need space (but I am not sure if you are taking it?) Its okay that you don't respond. I'm not mad about it. I am just trying to figure out what I should do, where I should stand. And that is okay too.
I guess to just be true to myself, I should pause, step back, give you sometime and keep having fun-- then try again. This is what I would like to do.
I am trying not to panic at all. I would like to just say "hey... let's talk" and talk all about you, what you feel, the things you think-- about everything. Not just me. Though, I would be lying to say I don't want to know that too.
I am afraid I am going to be Marissa to you. Saying I love you, and you just staring back blankly. Thank you for not saying it if you don't mean it...
But I do love you. I want to make you smile, that is what a little photo is for. I want to share goofy times with you, as well as help you in your pain. I understand you need to stand on your own for now-- and that if you never want my help, I'll be okay. I know it isn't my fault and my decision. It still, hurts, though.
Please open your mind and your heart, when you are ready. Please at least be willing to talk to me and give me a second look. Both of us only deserve happiness and I know I can give that to you, especially now.
I hope you are having fun though!! Like, really. I know you can't be completely okay right now, but I am glad every time I see you smile.
You are caring, you are considerate, you are thoughtful. You're sweet (emo), you're brave, you're strong You're tall, you're funny, you're goofy You're ridiculous You're crazy and random and spontaneous You're organized and straightforward
Sometimes you are confused.
Sometimes you get upset.
You are all the things I want in a man. I hope you can remain mine, in the end.
(I am glad to put these feelings here. Writing them out... gets them out of me, and eases some of the pain in my chest. I am so grateful for everything you STILL do for me. I hope that you can see it, and I hope that you are happy no matter what you choose to do with it. I love you. So very much. Someday I wish to show you that.)