Sunday, December 26, 2010


I think I have a crush. Actually.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Long time no post.
Happy Christmas.

I am posting because I feel I should. I have wiped my hands clean of this situation, but I can't say that what has happened hasn't hurt me deeply. I don't want to have anything to do with this weird mess between the three (four) of you. I want to be as far away from it as possible. This said, I know it will haunt me in many ways.

I don't appreciate what a dick you've been. I don't appreciate how nice I am to you and how you walk all over me. I hate that I let you walk all over me-- but even though it hurts and I know what is what, saying anything is never the wisest decision. You do not owe me anything, and that is understandable. Your lack of consideration to basic social norms is ridiculous. You are acting like a child, a college student, but that is something that happens to a lot of people.

I don't know how you will feel in three months, five years, ten. I don't know how you will view me. I have a basic understanding of human psychology and the way you map things, so we will see. I hope that in your quest you will find maturity and understanding and not continue changing into a selfish ball of complication. I am not sure if that will happen or not, but I wish you luck-- because I do, still, truly want the best for you. How can I not? You were always there for me, before, before you turned into this. And I will never stop adoring you for that.

Enough is enough though. Moving on. I like some people. It's pretty awesome.
I'm actually looking forward to doing some things I haven't been able to do. My independence is stronger than ever. I am standing more on my own than ever, and while I dislike being closed off, I am blooming and I have you to thank. So thank you. It's working out for me.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

So I accept the things you do-- you go crazy and have fun and are a bundle of emotions and that is okay. I am sorry if my wishing you would address the fact that we even had a relationship and look over it in your head pressures you. I know that you will look back, eventually, because everyone does. Hindsight, regret, those things always occur. I guess, just, for me-- it was more important to me to figure out what I had learned in this past year then ignore it and push on aimlessly. But you are still wheeling in your mind, and that is okay-- I still love and accept you, even for that.

Maybe you'd be really happy with Kristen. Maybe you are not even interested in a relationship with her. I don't know. I am not going to pretend like this didn't hurt, because it did-- but you don't owe me anything. We aren't dating. I think the way this went about perhaps was a little irresponsible, and could have been handled with more grace but that is okay, you are going to do what you are going to do-- and that happens. You are a person, and person just do things.

I wish, though, that you would be honest. Just be honest. With yourself. With me. Just be honest with the world. I don't say this because I think there is anything wrong with you-- but you have shown me your pain, you have shown me your hurt, and you have stated you don't want to hurt anymore. I understand that you want to scapegoat me and victimize yourself in this situation, blame it on me-- on us. But we are not the culprit. I have done things that have hurt you, I understand that, but these issues of self confidence and pain and suffering and dishonesty and lack of courage that bother you come from far before me. They have happened roughly with whoever your with-- I understand I just pushed you further. I made you think more. I made you look at yourself more and you disliked what you saw.

I am sorry to have done that to you and hurt you because of it. I really am. There is nothing to dislike about you. A lot of it was situational, but these are all things that make a person a person, and you can improve on them, but you have to know they exist. I never meant to make you feel like I didn't accept you for those things-- treating someone a certain way is not acceptable usually, but feeling the way you felt is. The feelings, the motives, the thoughts-- those are all acceptable. I wish you wouldn't scapegoat me, but that is what you have to do to heal. I hope you will look back and see things truly for what they are.

Love and acceptance are something everyone should know and have. Loving other people, being willing to have faith and trust and accept-- those are good things. Acceptance, in the actions they do, knowing things will happen, things they do-- those are fantastic things. These things happen. You can still worry about what might happen or will happen or wonder if things could have been different, but things are done-- things are the way they are now, and all you can do is work on seeing what you liked, didn't like, leaving it behind you, and doing what you can to improve the now.

You do have to learn from your mistakes, and that takes a lot of reflection. Obviously. It is so good to look over all that has occurred. Will you skip over looking into me? I don't know. You don't even seem to feel bad that you broke my heart. It doesn't even seem to matter to you that I am a person who has accepted all the things you do and does roll with the punches and keeps feeling the same and being there for you. And that is fine, that takes time. You are a person and you have to heal and do things your own way.

But truly, honey, you have to love and accept yourself-- I can love and accept you all you want, and you will never feel it until you accept yourself. And then, you can truly love and accept and understand other people for all they are, and find the routes of the madness.

I truly want you to be happy. Every day, I want you to be happy.

You have made it abundantly clear there is no reason for us to talk. There is no reason that you can see for us to really associate except you want to be able to have fun with someone you had fun with without any of the negativity-- you want to live in a perfect world and there is nothing wrong with that. Communication and understanding makes the world a better place. Being closed off to it causes drama.

Both you and Kristen are handling this situation underhandedly. You both know what happened, know I was hurt by it-- you got mad at me for even being there, and while I know our conversation wasn't the greatest, you were pushing me to get angry at you. I am not angry at you. Despite all this pain, I am not angry at you, just as I promised you I would never be. I am disappointed that you and Kristen would lie to me. You both always seemed more genuine and less underhanded than that. Whatever you do and are doing is fine, but if you are going to do it-- but be proud of whatever it is you're doing. Be happy about it, and just say it. Just tell me. I accept the things you do, I have been accepting the things you do. I forgive you for them. I know you dislike that I love you anyway, but I know you are a fantastic person and I thought we had a real connection.

Lately I have been wondering if you lied about all of it all of long. Were you with me out of pity? You pitied me and so you said you loved me and stayed with me? Was I really the best sex? Did you really love me? Did you really want to be with me? How much of what you said was actually true?

You have lied to me on many occasions. You have broken my trust time and time again. You know you have. You are not a terrible person for this. You're not a horrible person. You are just a hurt person who doesn't know what to do and doesn't have the confidence to stand up for what they feel and really mean.

All that aside. I accept that side of you. I understand it. I accept that you are scared and hurt and don't have the confidence yet to stand up for yourself. It's okay that you don't-- you will-- and if you don't want to, you don't have to change. I am supportive of you just the way you are, as much as the way you will be or want to be. I only encourage you to grow because everyone does anyway-- and you have specified in the way you want to grow, and I have faith that you can.

Do I really think you lied to me about those things? I am not fully certain.
What I believe is this.
You meant them. Even if you didn't mean them fully, a part of you meant them. You wanted to mean them. You are in such a hard place-- you are so hurt that you glorify many things and you can't find reasons to love yourself and that makes it also mean you look for answers in other people and when you can't, you're disappointed. You find yourself between a roc and a hard place of the things you think you want. Do I think you wanted the things and meant the things you said? Yes. You loved me. You loved me as much as you could love me at the time.
I don't think you are dishonest. I don't think you're a liar, despite your actions. You are a person, a person that makes mistakes and is afraid and wants to right the wrongs and make life easier for themselves.

You are not a courageous person, all the time. You have a hard time using your backbone to stand up for what you believe in. You did well with me, I hope you can eventually reflect and see that-- not as well as you would have liked, but well. You hate your job, and that made you hate your life. You hated LA, that made you hate your life. I was an easy change-- and I know I didn't make it much better, but I wasn't the problem. The issues in our relationship were solvable issues, they were not major crisis. And for me, they have been solved. I know they have not been for you, and I accept that.

I understand you will grow and see the person you will become and are hoarding feelings and just ignoring everything. You are acting out on me because I will take it. You know I will take it. I don't even think you know you are doing it. You are wanting to push me away and when it doesn't work you are getting frustrated-- I am not meaning to break you down. I just want to be here to help.

I can disappear quietly into that good night, if you wish. But I don't think you would really accept it. I am done with a lot of this. You don't want me here, you want to push me away and hurt me, and even though that is okay and I accept it-- there is no reason for me to just hang around for the abuse to end. I'll be here when you are ready to talk and be reasonable. I'll be here for fun.
I'm not mad at you. No, you are not getting off scott free. You will have to live and accept and understand every decision you make-- the good and the bad-- and you can write them off as well I just wanted to do it and I didn't mean to hurt anyone-- but eventually you will have to learn from things. You want to break this cycle as much as anyone else wants to break their own.

It's okay to be in a cycle. It's okay to be stuck. But you wanting out of it means you need to change it. You gotta find your happiness.

In the end, I believe in love. I believe in you. I accept who you are fully, even the parts of you that you won't show me.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Heartbreak hotel. Hah.

I am very surprised in the both of you, but this is okay.
I meant it that I am okay with things.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Best dream ever where you surprised me by saying you wanted to try again. We made out. Then you expressed your concerns about it and I had to talk to you about them (which was nervewracking).

I felt excellent upon waking.

Then I realized how unlikely that might be still and felt really bad. It was a good dream though. You were very fun last night-- I didn't think exchanging our stuff would be quite so fun. I don't know about you, but I still feel that spark....

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I can't offer you anything that someone else can't also give you.
Except for me.
My special brand of love.
It is a special thing.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I'm glad that you emailed me to want to talk, though I can't help but feel like the reason is that you just don't want me to dislike you. I don't dislike you. There are things that you are doing now that I think would be resolved easier by conversation. I love you, and I want to be with you-- which is hard, since you don't. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be friends. I adore you, I want to be there for you, and I'll be your friend no matter what you do. I am nervous about you dating, I am nervous about things, yes those things will hurt me, but I want to be your friend regardless. There is no way that that is going to turn off, with or without you there. This way, at least, we can be there for each other.

I still plan to respect your space. I don't know if you will actually go through with talking. Or what you have been up to. Or the reasons for doing what you are doing. I know you are on your guard, and I expect full armor when you talk to me-- if you talk to me. But, it would be nice if you let it down and just let it all out so we could clear things up and get some resolution.

Does that mean I'll stop loving you? No. Chances are, no matter how far forward we go in time, no matter who we date, I will always be willing to reopen this door. You were a fantastic boyfriend, and you are a fantastic person. I have no reason to dislike you, to think that our relationship wouldn't work (especially feeling the way I feel now and the changes that have occurred in me).

Do I think you're the one for me? Yes. But I am exploring the way I feel just as you are.

Of course I wonder what you are doing, how you are doing, what you are feeling. I do that with just about everyone, I am curious about all the things they do. And of course I am still emotionally invested in you. However, I am strong enough to separate those things.

I don't truly expect you to give me a chance right now. You are too caught up, too hurt. But it would be nice.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Hey Darlin'.

So, I understand your need for space. If you e-mail me or not, that is your choice. I just want you to know (even though you don't read this), that I am not blocking you from my wall on facebook out of any sort of irritation or spite. I figured if you wanted space, it might be good for me to just drop off your grid for awhile. I know you're taking some space anyway and disconnecting and that's cool. This seems like it'd be easier for you, and I feel good giving you what you need. I am happy to reinstate it at any point that you want. :)

But I am not mad at you. I totally respect your position. I am just trying to do what is the most helpful for you and I hope that you're okay.

Let me know how things are whenever you're ready. I'll be here.

I'm very thankful, even like this, that you are in my life.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Today, for some reason, I am so scared that you hate me.
I know you don't really. If anything, you're upset with me, probably for lack of space. I am attempting to give you space and still be a friendly person and friends. I like you! I'm sorry if I'm being too demanding with my friendliness.

I'm looking forward to seeing you, but I'm also nervous. I wish I could ask you why you hate talking to me so much. Perhaps I should?

Seems like a bad idea. I just want everything to be okay between us.

You're still my knight in shining armor. It's my turn to stay by your side, no matter how difficult it is. :(
I love you.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Seeing you makes my heart sing!
I love it! You make me smile, with all the little things about you. I hope I can express that to you someday!
Thank you for telling me a little about your trip! I loved sitting next to you. You're fantastic in every way and I hope you get a little rest. You sounded under the weather! Please feel better!

I know you are going to be standoffish for awhile but I will adore you endlessly anyway. :) You are the best.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I just had a dream that you died (you were trying to protect me). I was devastated. Tom Hanks revived you though. I don't even know how that happened, hah.

Sometimes I am so afraid you will never let me in again. I know you so well, I want to understand you so well, and all you want is someone (people) to do that. You want to share the world with someone who understands you and let's you be you. And I want to be that person. And I know that I can be now.

I want to help you through this. Obviously, so badly. Please don't shut me out.

Saturday, November 20, 2010


So I spent the last... so many hours pouring over your Livejournal. It is something I should have done before, so long ago, when I could have understood you better by reading it.

How did you get to be in such a cycle? What is the root of the pain that you go through where you question yourself over and over, you ask the same things, you go over the same things. You take a long time to think about things, and I understand that-- but I wonder if that is, at least in this case that is years and years of cycles, just not getting to the root....

I hate that you are doing this to yourself. I don't mean not being with me. But this pain you put yourself through. This feeling that nobody will accept you when you put yourself out there. I can kind of see why. The comments are fleeting, they have no depth. Though I'm sure that you had real conversations, your tag of being emo-- there is nothing wrong with wanting to connect with someone on a deep emotional level. It is something I always wanted for us, and... I guess by the time you got to me you were too scared, and I didn't even know what to do.

I am ready now, to talk to you. You don't have to be with me. I know you don't even want to be. But I can help, I can help listen, I understand what you are going through and all I want to do is help you find your pain and feel better. That is all. I think you're fantastic, a wonderful person who cares so much about other people and doesn't even know what to do with himself. You know who you are, I am sure of it, but you are too afraid and hurt to admit it. This happens. It happened to me. It is okay that it happens... but I know it hurts you. You say it hurts you.

I know that I messed up, I know that I was selfishly inclined on my own issues. If I hadn't been, I don't think I would have ever been able to be where I am now. Now, I know I can help. I know that we could work through this and we could be one of those relationships that doesn't fight. There is nothing flawed about US. There is something flawed in our acceptance of ourselves. I've overcome mine. I want you to feel good too.

Please, please give me a chance. I know you won't read this so I feel comfortable asking, almost pleading. It is my heart's most desperate wish. You want to be an open book? I want to read you and understand you. I want to love you and say, this is my favourite book, everyone should read this book!
And I want people to accept it. And you.

And they do. But you still don't see it.

I love you, Brian. I love you so much and all these little things make me stunned with how much I missed a fantastic chance. I don't regret our relationship, it helped me alot-- selfishly. But I should have been there for you. And I can be.

I would exchange the hope of ever being with you again for you to just truly talk to me and let me listen and to help you find your core.... and be a happier person. You are not broken, or incomplete. You are just hiding. It's okay, my darling, you can come out now. It will be okay because everybody loves you. I love you.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I miss you so much.
It's okay-- I mean, I really want it to be okay. I really want to be that strong. I love you so much, I really do want the best for you. I don't know why I have to be stuck in this place. I don't even know what to do to move on but live through it. "Not hold on", I guess. Tell myself there is no way, no way. Just keep going. Cut you out of my life.

But I don't want to cut you out. It's okay. You need your space and time, and I want to be there for you. I want so very much to be able to help, because you are so special and fantastic.

And it doesn't matter. The only person it matters to is me. And I'm alone. I'm all alone.
And I want to be with you. And hold your hand. And cry into you during sad movies. I don't want you to be sad, but I want you to want those things too-- and it is impossible right now, and I understand that, but it is still very, very sad.

You are so, so special to my heart. Even this terrible, terrible loneliness and pain is worth it, just for the chance to help make you happy and be able to smile by your side and hold your hand once again.

And even if it is just to help you smile.

That would still be payment. No matter how many times my heart breaks.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Dog Problems.
What is going on?
Did I do something to upset you? I always have a good time seeing you, even though tonight I was tired and not in the best of spirits. I wonder what happened to you? Why are you suddenly so distant? Again?

I still love you and am always there for you. I have a lot of faith in you and will always be here for me when you want to talk. I'm sympathetic that you don't feel like you can talk to me still. I hold no anger or resentment towards you.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Talking to you tonight was wonderful!! All I can ever ask of you is to feel comfortable with the choices you make, but I am happy this one worked out pleasantly for both of us!

I cheers us, online, for working to make an easier, happier future for the both of us, no matter where it takes us. It is possible to heal all wounds with understanding and trust, and this I will do for you.

You are an amazing, amazing person. Never forget!!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Talking is a scary thing. I am hoping that I can provide a trusting spot for you. Trust itself is a scary thing, and now that I have found it I hope to be able to help you find it.

Oh hurt, you make things so difficult for people.

I remain strong!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Seeing you today will be scary, but I am excited.
Everything will work out-- you're a fantastic person. I hope you have had a good week.

Meeting your friend was fantastic.

I am mildly afraid of someone sneaking up on you-- what will you do? It is okay... you are free to do what you want, and I support whatever you need to make you happy. I just wish it was me. And it is very soon.

I know, however, that you would not do anything so soon.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

It... is logical and illogical all at once.
Of course, fighting reason with emotion is always difficult. For both of us, I want to stay strong. Show my support.
I want to show my love.

I am both the same and different. I know I am and can be all the things you want. You are all the things I want. So what then would prevent us? It seems closed minded.

I don't want you to be like Jeff. You are you, and you are fantastic. I have so much faith in you. I know, even if you never see me, ever again for who I really am, I will still have faith in you. But I wish you would see me.

I wish so much that you would see me.

I don't want to move on and lose loving you. You deserve the love. I want to give it all to you and stand by your side, always.

I like adventures... but I am not like Jeff. I don't want to experience adventure after adventure. Being with you is the adventure I want to experience. Why is it that I am alone in that?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I don't like wondering if I have done something wrong, every time I talk to you. I obviously mention things any way.
It is okay, I understand.. that you need space (but I am not sure if you are taking it?) Its okay that you don't respond. I'm not mad about it. I am just trying to figure out what I should do, where I should stand.
And that is okay too.

I guess to just be true to myself, I should pause, step back, give you sometime and keep having fun-- then try again. This is what I would like to do.

I am trying not to panic at all. I would like to just say "hey... let's talk" and talk all about you, what you feel, the things you think-- about everything. Not just me. Though, I would be lying to say I don't want to know that too.

I am afraid I am going to be Marissa to you. Saying I love you, and you just staring back blankly. Thank you for not saying it if you don't mean it...

But I do love you. I want to make you smile, that is what a little photo is for. I want to share goofy times with you, as well as help you in your pain. I understand you need to stand on your own for now-- and that if you never want my help, I'll be okay. I know it isn't my fault and my decision. It still, hurts, though.

Please open your mind and your heart, when you are ready. Please at least be willing to talk to me and give me a second look. Both of us only deserve happiness and I know I can give that to you, especially now.

I hope you are having fun though!! Like, really. I know you can't be completely okay right now, but I am glad every time I see you smile.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

There are many many crazy things
That will keep me loving you
And with your permission
May I list a few

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they can't take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they can't take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
But I'll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they can't take that away from me

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Its ok that you dont know I exist anymore!
I love you anyway.
I don't really know what is going on with us but... I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and hope someday you are okay.

Love you.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

You are everything I want in a man.

You are caring, you are considerate, you are thoughtful.
You're sweet (emo), you're brave, you're strong
You're tall, you're funny, you're goofy
You're ridiculous
You're crazy and random and spontaneous
You're organized and straightforward

Sometimes you are confused.

Sometimes you get upset.

You are all the things I want in a man. I hope you can remain mine, in the end.

(I am glad to put these feelings here. Writing them out... gets them out of me, and eases some of the pain in my chest. I am so grateful for everything you STILL do for me. I hope that you can see it, and I hope that you are happy no matter what you choose to do with it.
I love you. So very much. Someday I wish to show you that.)
I miss you.
I love you.

I hope you know I am here for you. There is no reason to push me away. I'm not even angry... just worried, and a little sad.

The last time I've been angry has been long ago.

I know I can trust you to always contact me back. I just want to help.

Even while wishing we could wrap our arms around each other and while dreaming of your kisses. Even then, I just want to help and show you how special and fantastic you truly are.

Friday, October 22, 2010

It is 2:21 AM. I am wearing his shirt, because I felt vindictive and it is comfy. I am smelling your sweater, because I want more than anything for you to be holding me.

It is amazing how much I've grown over this last year and it is mostly in part to do with you. This "break" has had me think of these things. I know I am not perfect. But I am better.

I know I won't stay rational if you come back tomorrow and you tell me you don't want to be with me. I know my heart will break and my logic brain will mostly shut down for awhile. I had just begun to trust this.

I would like to continue trusting this. While I am nervous, standing here precariously on this branch, waiting to see if you're going to cut it off or not, I'm not crawling down. And I want to, and mostly have, faith you'll keep it going. The only thing preventing me from feeling that all the way is your hesitance.

You have taught me a lot. It is my hope that you'll teach me more, and I can help you more. I love you, even when you're not handling things right. I know better than to say you're really my 'perfect' match (except when I'm being cute), but you are... in fact, a very good match for me.

I hope you find this too, and renew your interest in me. And are cute with me. And say you think I'm perfect for you (without prompting, hah!). Because I think that I am as good for you as you are for me.

Thank you. I love you.