Monday, September 28, 2009

Sometimes it feels like everything I do is wrong. And/or fake. Hollow?

Monday, September 21, 2009

Sorry for being a jealous gooberson.
You're confusing and yet I love you.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I swing between being okay and wanting you back.  Mostly I'm okay.  I'm seeing someone, I like him.  I think you kind of have that figured out already.  But I mean, I like him and it's awesome and he's great but at the same time he's not you, and in a lot of ways that's really good.  That's awesome.  

But there are times, especially certain times, that I think of you and it makes me want to cry.  My heart still aches for you.  I miss your yin to my yang.

I want to go to Disneyland with you still.  I know I shouldn't want you back and I feel like a really big jerk.  I'm being completely honest with him, but it still doesn't give me excuses.

I wonder how much longer this is going to last.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I had a really good night tonight. I hope pizza was good! I really miss it and am looking forward to having some slices soon.

It was really nice to talk to you today... I'm sorry we get upset. I know that it's hard since we still <3 each other, but...

Anyway, I hope tomorrow is a good day for you at South Park. Can't help still feeling weird and dedicated.... I hope you find what you're looking for.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

I am a fool.

My stomach hurts a lot. I wish you could come over and make me feel better. Cuddle me and watch television.
I liked going to San Diego today. I had a lot of fun with the girls and I enjoyed their company. We sat on a grassy hill and it was nice and relaxing and I didn't even think of you. I didn't think of you until we got in the city, then I was remembering our last time there.

I saw people who were going on a cruise and remembered how you promised me a cruise.
We were going to also travel to Europe.

I saw the statue of the sailor and his girl and felt longing for that feeling but also remembered the time we joked about posing that way in front if it. I liked kissing that way.

I thought you might like that memory too.

I'm liking attention from other people. It doesn't seem to override how I feel for you. But then again.... it's only been two weeks/a few days.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

It hurts more today than it did last night.

I love you, and I think what you did is the right thing.... I can't help wondering if you would have been able to grow with me, and if our love for one another would have eventually overrided your need for independence. I do think you need to be on your own more. I hope you set forth and really use this time to do what you need to do and not sit on it.

But it still hurts terribly. I want to be okay with this. I want to be able to let you go like I need to, and in a lot of ways I am. I want you to be able to grow up. I want to be able to come back together both as mature people who understand and care for one another and are ready to be committed. That, however, doesn't stop the pain right now.

I think about the things we do together and not having you as my one and only and it hurts. The girls talked about New Years, and it crushed me because while everyone else is going to have fun, I'm going to remember how it's our anniversary and we aren't together.

It sucks so much more today.

A part of me is wishing for an earthquake.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I am so scared for tomorrow.

Today I was angry, and petrified at the same time. I was so upset because of all the feelings I feel justified for, and all the fear I have inside pushed them out. It took me awhile to calm down, but I'm glad I did.

But now it's coming up on us, my love.

I'm so scared of what you'll say and you just say you're sorry. It makes me worry more. I have been loyal and faithful still, and I want you to know that you are my number one.

I hope you got my letter.

I was very scared about what I want earlier, what if I don't want this? I wanted you to talk to me, I was hopeful, but now I'm scared. Now I think it's not good.

I wanted you to want me still. I want to hear what you have to say, and your explanations. I want you to hold me as I cry, and then I want us to kiss and make up... and I want us to go on and never go through this again. Ever.

I want you to help me grow as a better person. I want you to grow as a better person.

I love you. I miss you.

Please don't let me down.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I went to a show tonight I thought you might like.

I wish I could have gone to pizza. I miss hawaiian, I miss you guys, I miss holding your hand on the way there.

I miss holding hands and interlacing our fingers.

what is this?