Monday, August 31, 2009

I have decided to IM you or call you soon. Tomorrow or Wednesday, to arrange to talk soon.

I have been doubting a lot.

Is this what I want? Is it? I have had so much faith in you, even when you haven't had it in yourself. what if it's misplaced? I want to be the strong one who can believe non stop and help you, I want to be, but it can be so hard. I am only human.

I can't make you a better person... only you can fix your issues and your problems. Only you can figure out what you can do to fix what's in you. Only you can decide if you will be lonely without me, if you want me, and what it is about everything that makes you so nervous. I have told you my bit. I will never take your complete freedom. But you are tied to me, and you are already.

You have the option of walking away now, and lord knows you've taken it. You've taken it whenever you needed it. I want to be with you, I love you, but eventually I'm going to need to be with someone who isn't so willing to walk away from me when they get angry or scared. I need someone who is more emotionally stable, who can recognize themselves better.

I want that person to be you, but I can't make you that person, only you can. And I'm not sure if you're willing to be that person. I don't know if you're ready to be that person yet.

Maybe you think you can find true romantic happiness without having to open up to someone, to give yourself to someone. But I don't think that's happiness, that's a shell. It's comfortable.

I haven't seen you in over a week and now I am starting to wonder. The fear and the hurt and the unsurity are starting to make me wonder what it is that I will see when I see you again.

And yet...
Last night I stood at Caitlin's window watching the flames lick the horizon and creep through the crevices of the hills up North, and I thought, I want to be with him. If this all burns, I want to be with him.

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