Sunday, August 30, 2009

I am starting to also get concerned with this...

i am sorry for making you feel the way you did with Brian. I never have been interested in him, we are just good friends.... but I fear now you were just using it as an excuse.

Did you not want to be with me this entire time? Or have you just been sitting on it recently and used it as your 'out'? Did you want a way out? I couldn't even tell when we left for the party, or when I was joking with you about Dos Equis. We felt fine. We felt perfect. As we always did. I can look back and see the negative things we've been through, but I think the good outweighs the bad.

And I'm scared. I'm scared of your decision.

I saw 500 Days of Summer today. I didn't know it would relate so heavily to us. I'm scared you feel like Summer did, I'm scared I'm Tom. I think I love you way more constantly than Tom did-- their fling was so short..... But I, you know, I don't know.

And I think we're different, but it does hurt so similarly. I am told that I will move on with time, and that's true to a degree. I will see other rpeople, love them, sleep with them, but I won't want them the same way as you. or at least, that's how I feel now. But I can't force you to love me.

I'm scared if I called you tonight you'd say, finally, okay, we'll end it. I'm giving you this time on the hope, the chance, that you'll miss me, and you'll realize I can learn from my mistakes. But if you wanted an out and were just looking for an excuse, it makes it null. Why then did you say it was okay. Was it because I was being pushy? You could've continued to say no, I would've left it. You said okay, okay, then no, then okay. I understand you're confused, I understand I overanalyze.

But you didn't want to change it either.

I don't know.

I want to be with you. I don't think we're like the couples that don't belong together. We love each other. We get along great. We hardly fight, we enjoy each other's company. We play and have fun and do great things and share interests and have our own. I don't think, other than these things, that we hurt each other, that we are bad for one another or unhealthy.

I thought that you were just scared, and that's fine . I thought you were worried, and that's fine.

But I do want you. I love you. And I feel hopeless and I don't want to be desperate....
I sent that letter and I meant every word. I need to stop saying I'm sorry because I'm not the only one that's done wrong.

I meant that I was sorry for those things, I'm even sorry for making you feel uncomfortable around Brian if that's how you really felt. But I can't take full blame. I can't, because I am here, I am loving you still, I'm standing here with baited breath and open arms and taking the punches as they come, waiting for you to come around and think about things...

But I love you.

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