Monday, August 31, 2009

I have decided to IM you or call you soon. Tomorrow or Wednesday, to arrange to talk soon.

I have been doubting a lot.

Is this what I want? Is it? I have had so much faith in you, even when you haven't had it in yourself. what if it's misplaced? I want to be the strong one who can believe non stop and help you, I want to be, but it can be so hard. I am only human.

I can't make you a better person... only you can fix your issues and your problems. Only you can figure out what you can do to fix what's in you. Only you can decide if you will be lonely without me, if you want me, and what it is about everything that makes you so nervous. I have told you my bit. I will never take your complete freedom. But you are tied to me, and you are already.

You have the option of walking away now, and lord knows you've taken it. You've taken it whenever you needed it. I want to be with you, I love you, but eventually I'm going to need to be with someone who isn't so willing to walk away from me when they get angry or scared. I need someone who is more emotionally stable, who can recognize themselves better.

I want that person to be you, but I can't make you that person, only you can. And I'm not sure if you're willing to be that person. I don't know if you're ready to be that person yet.

Maybe you think you can find true romantic happiness without having to open up to someone, to give yourself to someone. But I don't think that's happiness, that's a shell. It's comfortable.

I haven't seen you in over a week and now I am starting to wonder. The fear and the hurt and the unsurity are starting to make me wonder what it is that I will see when I see you again.

And yet...
Last night I stood at Caitlin's window watching the flames lick the horizon and creep through the crevices of the hills up North, and I thought, I want to be with him. If this all burns, I want to be with him.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I feel fine when I go to sleep.
I wake up, panicking.

The fact I slipped and you still don't have it in you to contact me, it's been a week, it seems a bad sign. I should give you another week, and I will.. But I sleep, and I wake up, and the only thing I want....


I'm... I just don't understand why you wouldn't want this.


I mean, I can see the bad things-- the fight, sometimes the distrust, the confusion. We definitely had arguments, but even before this I felt like we were going through those well. So that leads me to... to you're just really angry, or you really wanted out and the only reason you're 'waiting' is to wait until I get tired of waiting. Unless you think you are coming to a conclusion....

But we have so many good things, and I think they're excellent things. They never stopped being fun. Making dinners, going to see movies, hanging out and watching Lost, Flight of the Conchords, playing Dr. Mario, snuggling, kissing, going on trips, drawing together, watching animations, talking, joking, playing music (rare as it was), whale fight (rare as it was), watching strongbad.

I know it's not entirely my fault, and I need to stop saying I'm sorry. But that doesn't stop me from aching for you. It's not like I look back and see the wrong things-- I don't know what you look back to see. I see the negative, I see the times I've cried or sat in the car and made you upset.

I wish you could come to karaoke with me, and we could sit next to one another and giggle over how people go, and clap and cheer, and interlace our fingers, and I can cheer you on while you sing and you can encourage me to go sing and we could sing together. I want that so bad....


I wish I knew how you were feeling.
I am starting to also get concerned with this...

i am sorry for making you feel the way you did with Brian. I never have been interested in him, we are just good friends.... but I fear now you were just using it as an excuse.

Did you not want to be with me this entire time? Or have you just been sitting on it recently and used it as your 'out'? Did you want a way out? I couldn't even tell when we left for the party, or when I was joking with you about Dos Equis. We felt fine. We felt perfect. As we always did. I can look back and see the negative things we've been through, but I think the good outweighs the bad.

And I'm scared. I'm scared of your decision.

I saw 500 Days of Summer today. I didn't know it would relate so heavily to us. I'm scared you feel like Summer did, I'm scared I'm Tom. I think I love you way more constantly than Tom did-- their fling was so short..... But I, you know, I don't know.

And I think we're different, but it does hurt so similarly. I am told that I will move on with time, and that's true to a degree. I will see other rpeople, love them, sleep with them, but I won't want them the same way as you. or at least, that's how I feel now. But I can't force you to love me.

I'm scared if I called you tonight you'd say, finally, okay, we'll end it. I'm giving you this time on the hope, the chance, that you'll miss me, and you'll realize I can learn from my mistakes. But if you wanted an out and were just looking for an excuse, it makes it null. Why then did you say it was okay. Was it because I was being pushy? You could've continued to say no, I would've left it. You said okay, okay, then no, then okay. I understand you're confused, I understand I overanalyze.


But you didn't want to change it either.

I don't know.


I want to be with you. I don't think we're like the couples that don't belong together. We love each other. We get along great. We hardly fight, we enjoy each other's company. We play and have fun and do great things and share interests and have our own. I don't think, other than these things, that we hurt each other, that we are bad for one another or unhealthy.

I thought that you were just scared, and that's fine . I thought you were worried, and that's fine.

But I do want you. I love you. And I feel hopeless and I don't want to be desperate....
I sent that letter and I meant every word. I need to stop saying I'm sorry because I'm not the only one that's done wrong.

I meant that I was sorry for those things, I'm even sorry for making you feel uncomfortable around Brian if that's how you really felt. But I can't take full blame. I can't, because I am here, I am loving you still, I'm standing here with baited breath and open arms and taking the punches as they come, waiting for you to come around and think about things...


But I love you.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Have fun with your sister.

I wish I could tell you to say hi for me.




I am starting to get concerned that you posted on purpose, that you are purposely trying to hurt me now. I know that's not very like you, and so I'm trying to push it out of my mind. But I'm hurting, and the pain is telling me things that may or may not be true.... I cannot imagine why you would be so callous towards me.
That hurt a lot.

I need a place to put this. I can't tell you, because we're not talking. It hurts me to not talk to you. It sucks, because I have... I have links, and stories, and problems, and things that I want to say to you, and yet I have resisted. I know it hasn't been that long. I want to give you your space, and your time. Our relatonship has meant a lot to me, and because of that, I am keeping my distance.

So I'm sorry if commenting on your status, and saying I liked it, will be a problem.

But it did hurt.

It hurt to know you were taking your friend instead of me. I could understand that.

It hurt to know you were only five blocks away and you would refuse to see me, to call me. I'm not sure if you even thought of me, knowing that I was supposed to be your date to see Tenacious D. Knowing that I was just as excited as you to go to that concert, that I had pushed for it, that I had been excited for it...

And then for you to come home and openly say how happy it made you to go, knowing I cared so much to go with you...

it hurt.

It hurt because I know you care about me, but I'm not sure what this means. I hurt because I love you, and because I'm feeling so many emotions that I'm trying to handle already, to have a blatant slap in the face is.... is terrible.

I poured my heart out to you, and I know I've done a lot wrong.


I'm sorry if I took away your space.


Love,
Stephanie