Thursday, December 31, 2009

Hard things:
Anniversary, tomorrow.
Are you going to kiss someone tonight?

A part of me hopes so-- that's what we need to move on, right?
Part of me hopes not, I have a hard time letting go.

I hope I get to know what happens with you either way.

I'm such a loser.
hah, I don't really wanna go out with friends and party-- I kind of just want to be by myself. I know I shouldn't be-- it'd be depressing, but... at the same time. This is a big hurt, and it hasn't gone away yet. And this is a hard hump for me. The anniversary. especially since last years was so great.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Sometimes it still hurts.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Sometimes it feels like everything I do is wrong. And/or fake. Hollow?

Monday, September 21, 2009

Sorry for being a jealous gooberson.
You're confusing and yet I love you.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I swing between being okay and wanting you back.  Mostly I'm okay.  I'm seeing someone, I like him.  I think you kind of have that figured out already.  But I mean, I like him and it's awesome and he's great but at the same time he's not you, and in a lot of ways that's really good.  That's awesome.  

But there are times, especially certain times, that I think of you and it makes me want to cry.  My heart still aches for you.  I miss your yin to my yang.

I want to go to Disneyland with you still.  I know I shouldn't want you back and I feel like a really big jerk.  I'm being completely honest with him, but it still doesn't give me excuses.

I wonder how much longer this is going to last.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I had a really good night tonight. I hope pizza was good! I really miss it and am looking forward to having some slices soon.

It was really nice to talk to you today... I'm sorry we get upset. I know that it's hard since we still <3 each other, but...

Anyway, I hope tomorrow is a good day for you at South Park. Can't help still feeling weird and dedicated.... I hope you find what you're looking for.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

I am a fool.

My stomach hurts a lot. I wish you could come over and make me feel better. Cuddle me and watch television.
I liked going to San Diego today. I had a lot of fun with the girls and I enjoyed their company. We sat on a grassy hill and it was nice and relaxing and I didn't even think of you. I didn't think of you until we got in the city, then I was remembering our last time there.

I saw people who were going on a cruise and remembered how you promised me a cruise.
We were going to also travel to Europe.

I saw the statue of the sailor and his girl and felt longing for that feeling but also remembered the time we joked about posing that way in front if it. I liked kissing that way.

I thought you might like that memory too.

I'm liking attention from other people. It doesn't seem to override how I feel for you. But then again.... it's only been two weeks/a few days.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

It hurts more today than it did last night.

I love you, and I think what you did is the right thing.... I can't help wondering if you would have been able to grow with me, and if our love for one another would have eventually overrided your need for independence. I do think you need to be on your own more. I hope you set forth and really use this time to do what you need to do and not sit on it.


But it still hurts terribly. I want to be okay with this. I want to be able to let you go like I need to, and in a lot of ways I am. I want you to be able to grow up. I want to be able to come back together both as mature people who understand and care for one another and are ready to be committed. That, however, doesn't stop the pain right now.


I think about the things we do together and not having you as my one and only and it hurts. The girls talked about New Years, and it crushed me because while everyone else is going to have fun, I'm going to remember how it's our anniversary and we aren't together.

It sucks so much more today.

A part of me is wishing for an earthquake.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I am so scared for tomorrow.

Today I was angry, and petrified at the same time. I was so upset because of all the feelings I feel justified for, and all the fear I have inside pushed them out. It took me awhile to calm down, but I'm glad I did.

But now it's coming up on us, my love.

I'm so scared of what you'll say and you just say you're sorry. It makes me worry more. I have been loyal and faithful still, and I want you to know that you are my number one.

I hope you got my letter.

I was very scared about what I want earlier, what if I don't want this? I wanted you to talk to me, I was hopeful, but now I'm scared. Now I think it's not good.

I wanted you to want me still. I want to hear what you have to say, and your explanations. I want you to hold me as I cry, and then I want us to kiss and make up... and I want us to go on and never go through this again. Ever.

I want you to help me grow as a better person. I want you to grow as a better person.

I love you. I miss you.

Please don't let me down.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I went to a show tonight I thought you might like.

I wish I could have gone to pizza. I miss hawaiian, I miss you guys, I miss holding your hand on the way there.

I miss holding hands and interlacing our fingers.

what is this?

Monday, August 31, 2009

I have decided to IM you or call you soon. Tomorrow or Wednesday, to arrange to talk soon.

I have been doubting a lot.

Is this what I want? Is it? I have had so much faith in you, even when you haven't had it in yourself. what if it's misplaced? I want to be the strong one who can believe non stop and help you, I want to be, but it can be so hard. I am only human.

I can't make you a better person... only you can fix your issues and your problems. Only you can figure out what you can do to fix what's in you. Only you can decide if you will be lonely without me, if you want me, and what it is about everything that makes you so nervous. I have told you my bit. I will never take your complete freedom. But you are tied to me, and you are already.

You have the option of walking away now, and lord knows you've taken it. You've taken it whenever you needed it. I want to be with you, I love you, but eventually I'm going to need to be with someone who isn't so willing to walk away from me when they get angry or scared. I need someone who is more emotionally stable, who can recognize themselves better.

I want that person to be you, but I can't make you that person, only you can. And I'm not sure if you're willing to be that person. I don't know if you're ready to be that person yet.

Maybe you think you can find true romantic happiness without having to open up to someone, to give yourself to someone. But I don't think that's happiness, that's a shell. It's comfortable.

I haven't seen you in over a week and now I am starting to wonder. The fear and the hurt and the unsurity are starting to make me wonder what it is that I will see when I see you again.

And yet...
Last night I stood at Caitlin's window watching the flames lick the horizon and creep through the crevices of the hills up North, and I thought, I want to be with him. If this all burns, I want to be with him.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I feel fine when I go to sleep.
I wake up, panicking.

The fact I slipped and you still don't have it in you to contact me, it's been a week, it seems a bad sign. I should give you another week, and I will.. But I sleep, and I wake up, and the only thing I want....


I'm... I just don't understand why you wouldn't want this.


I mean, I can see the bad things-- the fight, sometimes the distrust, the confusion. We definitely had arguments, but even before this I felt like we were going through those well. So that leads me to... to you're just really angry, or you really wanted out and the only reason you're 'waiting' is to wait until I get tired of waiting. Unless you think you are coming to a conclusion....

But we have so many good things, and I think they're excellent things. They never stopped being fun. Making dinners, going to see movies, hanging out and watching Lost, Flight of the Conchords, playing Dr. Mario, snuggling, kissing, going on trips, drawing together, watching animations, talking, joking, playing music (rare as it was), whale fight (rare as it was), watching strongbad.

I know it's not entirely my fault, and I need to stop saying I'm sorry. But that doesn't stop me from aching for you. It's not like I look back and see the wrong things-- I don't know what you look back to see. I see the negative, I see the times I've cried or sat in the car and made you upset.

I wish you could come to karaoke with me, and we could sit next to one another and giggle over how people go, and clap and cheer, and interlace our fingers, and I can cheer you on while you sing and you can encourage me to go sing and we could sing together. I want that so bad....


I wish I knew how you were feeling.
I am starting to also get concerned with this...

i am sorry for making you feel the way you did with Brian. I never have been interested in him, we are just good friends.... but I fear now you were just using it as an excuse.

Did you not want to be with me this entire time? Or have you just been sitting on it recently and used it as your 'out'? Did you want a way out? I couldn't even tell when we left for the party, or when I was joking with you about Dos Equis. We felt fine. We felt perfect. As we always did. I can look back and see the negative things we've been through, but I think the good outweighs the bad.

And I'm scared. I'm scared of your decision.

I saw 500 Days of Summer today. I didn't know it would relate so heavily to us. I'm scared you feel like Summer did, I'm scared I'm Tom. I think I love you way more constantly than Tom did-- their fling was so short..... But I, you know, I don't know.

And I think we're different, but it does hurt so similarly. I am told that I will move on with time, and that's true to a degree. I will see other rpeople, love them, sleep with them, but I won't want them the same way as you. or at least, that's how I feel now. But I can't force you to love me.

I'm scared if I called you tonight you'd say, finally, okay, we'll end it. I'm giving you this time on the hope, the chance, that you'll miss me, and you'll realize I can learn from my mistakes. But if you wanted an out and were just looking for an excuse, it makes it null. Why then did you say it was okay. Was it because I was being pushy? You could've continued to say no, I would've left it. You said okay, okay, then no, then okay. I understand you're confused, I understand I overanalyze.


But you didn't want to change it either.

I don't know.


I want to be with you. I don't think we're like the couples that don't belong together. We love each other. We get along great. We hardly fight, we enjoy each other's company. We play and have fun and do great things and share interests and have our own. I don't think, other than these things, that we hurt each other, that we are bad for one another or unhealthy.

I thought that you were just scared, and that's fine . I thought you were worried, and that's fine.

But I do want you. I love you. And I feel hopeless and I don't want to be desperate....
I sent that letter and I meant every word. I need to stop saying I'm sorry because I'm not the only one that's done wrong.

I meant that I was sorry for those things, I'm even sorry for making you feel uncomfortable around Brian if that's how you really felt. But I can't take full blame. I can't, because I am here, I am loving you still, I'm standing here with baited breath and open arms and taking the punches as they come, waiting for you to come around and think about things...


But I love you.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Have fun with your sister.

I wish I could tell you to say hi for me.




I am starting to get concerned that you posted on purpose, that you are purposely trying to hurt me now. I know that's not very like you, and so I'm trying to push it out of my mind. But I'm hurting, and the pain is telling me things that may or may not be true.... I cannot imagine why you would be so callous towards me.
That hurt a lot.

I need a place to put this. I can't tell you, because we're not talking. It hurts me to not talk to you. It sucks, because I have... I have links, and stories, and problems, and things that I want to say to you, and yet I have resisted. I know it hasn't been that long. I want to give you your space, and your time. Our relatonship has meant a lot to me, and because of that, I am keeping my distance.

So I'm sorry if commenting on your status, and saying I liked it, will be a problem.

But it did hurt.

It hurt to know you were taking your friend instead of me. I could understand that.

It hurt to know you were only five blocks away and you would refuse to see me, to call me. I'm not sure if you even thought of me, knowing that I was supposed to be your date to see Tenacious D. Knowing that I was just as excited as you to go to that concert, that I had pushed for it, that I had been excited for it...

And then for you to come home and openly say how happy it made you to go, knowing I cared so much to go with you...

it hurt.

It hurt because I know you care about me, but I'm not sure what this means. I hurt because I love you, and because I'm feeling so many emotions that I'm trying to handle already, to have a blatant slap in the face is.... is terrible.

I poured my heart out to you, and I know I've done a lot wrong.


I'm sorry if I took away your space.


Love,
Stephanie