Saturday, August 5, 2017

the saga

And now Ramzi is not talking to me again.  I guess it doesn't feel like hell this time, but a strong discomfort.   It wouldn't be quite as bad if I knew what I'd done to make him go silent...

But I'm under the impression that he turned off his caring card and is ghosting.

I do know why, maybe.  It's not the messaging.  I don't think it's something I said.  "I miss knowing things," doesn't seem like a bad thing to say.  It could be that he's just stressed, but it's not just that he's stressed -- he'd still include me some and not give me the silent treatment.

It's the conversation that we had where we talked about what this was, and I requested that we were exclusive.  Ramzi doesn't see me as a person he can have a future with -- I'm not sure if it's just because of the way I presented myself to his friends.

I have a suspicion that he doesn't think I'd be a good mom, or that I'm good with things in general.  Which isn't right.  I've had a lot of weak points, but I'm growing stronger all the time.  I definitely need to be able to keep it under control and I can't always.  But I would be a good mom.  I also am not that bad with money.  I do make purchases that I probably shouldn't (I also am good at making returns of my biggest mistakes now) and I still have so much money in the bank-- and now more coming in.  Ramzi worries about my money because he isn't being great with money, so when he seems me spending anything without a job, he's overprotective.

Some of this is because he's protective of me.  Some of it is because I guess he sees flaws in me that are there but are also not there.  I'm this irresponsible because I can be.  I've spent the last few years of my life dating guys, not super in a relationship, single as fuck, not giving another thought for the first time in my life to how people were viewing me.  It wasn't going to be something that lasts forever.  Also, he takes my jokes way too seriously.

Anyway, I know he's still on tinder (I guess) even though I deleted mine.  He's not talking to me, I guess because he can't handle ending things with me.  If he's dead set that I can't be the one for him, then I can't.

Even if I wish I were.  Who knows about the one.  I guess I mean the one you spend the rest of your life with, so that's whoever ends up being the one.  But its the one you see a future with.  I rarely see a future at all because life in Los Angeles is so chaotic.

But Ramzi, I want to help you build that house.  I want to live in that house.  I want to travel the world with you.  I want to love you and for you to love me, openly.  I want to continue growing as individuals together and apart.  I want to have your children.  I want to meet your mom.  I want to make Lebanese food and continue passing that along.  I want to meet the rest of your family.  I want to go to Houston with you.  I want you to come to Colorado with me and meet my family.

In short.  I love you.  You've been the one for me since we started seeing one another.

If only you'd talk to me about your qualms and fears instead of running away.

Anyway, it's right on schedule.  Don't worry, this year won't be like last.  My mom didn't die again.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017


Monday, January 30, 2017

Today was the rally to protest the ban. I totally went and loved supporting it- and obviously I missed you. I miss my politics friend. Honestly after having a relationship/friendship like ours I'm struggling to find anything that comes close to filling the hole it's left.  Maybe I'm being super out of my mind thinking it was so great. There were plenty of problems. There was a lack of trust. But I miss you so much and I'm glad you're willing to chat some with me and haven't entirely blocked me. I hope you continue to come around and we can reconnect.

Another guy likes me. He's super nice and sweet.  But there's definitely blaring issues there besides the feeling that you're maybe my soul mate or something. Sigh.

I miss Kyle. I super miss you. I miss feeling connected with someone I can trust and not feel threatened by. Oh wait I've never truly felt that.
Kyle's the closest. I'm lucky in that regard. I'm so lucky to always have him as my friend. He's been a little flirty or weird lately. I know he's got the break up blues.

I'm depressed.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Ughhh I miss you so much every single damn day and I wish I could see you and help on your house and do all sorts of other things with you too. I swear the only boyfriend I've felt this hung up on besides Kyle is you. I keep expecting the feelings to fade and they don't. Do you miss me or want to talk to me at all?  You havent spoken with me so I assume no, but it would be amazingly beautiful if you missed me too and also wanted me back.

Monday, January 23, 2017

My mom died yesterday a year ago and I'm tired but can't sleep and my tattoo feels weird. I got to hang out with Kyle, which always fills me with joy still. Today he was sad, things aren't going so hot for him either.  I love Kyle very much, so I hope things then around for him soon and he starts feeling stronger and more accomplished again. I'm really lucky to still have him in my life.

I also still miss stupid Ramzi quite a lot and I keep asking myself "why?" And my vague answer is "the connection we had was on point and also the sex was great" but maybe that was only me and maybe Kyle and I are the only two people capable of being truly close even though we dated and there's been all that lovey Dovey gunk on my end.

Friday, January 20, 2017

I know we aren't talking and you've blocked me but that is why I can message here safely I guess. It's crazy that trump is being sworn in today. I wish we were talking through it like we have the rest of the election. I miss you like crazy. I miss working and hearing about the house. This America is gonna be weird for at least four years.

Or 8. Because he's already thought of his four year slogan.

Seriously, Ram, I miss you like absolutely. Like woah.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Well my sex drive is finally starting to be back after what- 3 months?  But the only person I want to have sex with is still you. I imagine you're probably most definitely sleeping with someone else now (Lisa?  Andreea?  Another girl from another office?)

But I want to sleep with you. I shouldn't have said anything. You're probaby worth it. But I guess this is you not thinking I'm worth it. And here we go all over again. - we being me, in this case.

Please come back to me. Fuck me and talk to me and hang out and care about me again.

Well- maybe not. I should probably start being with someone else. How long before my heart stops being keen on you?  I've thought maybe there was something more to us for over a year now. Try hard as I may, I can't seem to forget you.

I wish my disorder hadn't reared its ugly head. I know it's scary. But it isn't who I am!  I'm working so hard on it. But I want to see you and know you again.